inannamute

I want a job writing spam emails.

I could do it so much better than these morons.. Today, I woke up to 5 brand new ones that managed to avoid the various filters I have set up (one of these days I'll get around to putting filters on my server itself, but I never seem to have the time to geek out lately).

Now, spam has always mystified me, since I can never understand how anyone in the world would be dumb enough to believe the ludicrous claims, let alone buy something they saw advertised in spam. The only reason for its existance, really, is to piss people off, surely? So if I got a job writing spam email, as I'm really good at pissing people off, I'm sure I'd do a far better job than these guys..

Today, example #1.
"H0w many t1mes girIs dumped you because of your small dick?
Forget about this with Penis Enlarge Patch.
Peni$ Enlarge Patch work$ for everyb0dy: black, white, and ye1low,
circumcised and uncircumcised, old and young, small and big.
Thats why its so popular all over the world."

Now, the first thing that comes into my mind when I read this, besides obvious consternation over the continued slaughter of my native tongue, is, WHERE DO YOU PUT THE PATCH?.. Is it like nicorette, where the patch goes on your arm and just pumps you full of random penis-pumping-pharmaceuticals?.. Or does it need to be 'topically applied'?....

Not that it'd work either way, I'm sure, but still, how do these people come up with these things?

Todays second culprit is ALSO for the penis enlarge patch.. "Pen1$ Enlarge Patch is guaranteed t0 add size
to your penis and enhance your sexual performance.
Penis Enlarge Patch has anti-depressant properties,
thus it is excellent for treating anxiety and/or depression that has a predominant sexual factor."

wow.. It makes your dick bigger AND cures your depression?. Of course, if your dick got bigger, you'd probably be pretty fucking happy without the anti-depressent properties of this miracle patch.. that is if you were desperate enough to buy this stuff to start with..

Example #3 is more sophisticated, I have to say.. "Country girls, farm se-ex.
In our stables you'll see girls with horses, donkey, goats,
dogs, snakes, cats, promates, birds and many other.
"

Now, a quick google of promate gives us the following options for our porn..

Promate Electronics, one of the leading providers of customized LCD solutions. Product line includes LCD panels, driving boards, touch panels.... Hmm, while touch panels sounds almost hopeful, I'm thinking that maybe just maybe that's not what they meant when they said promates.. google result #2 gives us
Promate USA - scuba equipment manufacturers....

Kinkier and kinkier.. oooh rubber !..

But still, I think that my third option for what they mean by promate HAS to be the winner..
Semex.com - ProMate is a computerized mating solution which utilizes the latest in computer technologies. Its purpose is to assist distributors worldwide in providing the most efficient service to meet their clients needs while maintaining the level of service Semex is recognized for in finding the best possible bulls for each cow...

It's not until you randomly start googling things you realise how fucked up the world is..

This next one looks like the same culprit as the first couple -
"With U1tra A1lure Pheromone$ you w0nt have enough room
1n your organizer f0r the phone numbers of the beautiful women.
Dreams do come true. With Ultra Allure Pheromones
you can have any woman you want."

Yeah. You're definitely dreaming if you believe this crap.. Although this could explain various REPEATEDLY brought up indiscretions on the part of one amazon who shall remain nameless.. "It's not my fault, it was the Ultra Allure Pheremones that did it!"

My final depressing candidate for the day came with the subject line "You think you need a crane to lift your dick?"
followed by
" You are still thinking 0f getting Soft CiaIis Tabs f0r the best erection.
Hurry up, your wifes lover already got them.

BULKER_CANADIAN

Do you think y0ur marriage is getting ruined because of bad sex?
Viagra Soft Tabs will help you save your marriage.
With our Soft Cialis Tabs you will be able to chop the wood with your dick.(Warning: dont try it). "

Um, is anyone really dumb enough to try chopping wood with their dick?.. I mean, how would you go about it anyway? Men don't have that much control over their dicks, plus, I think of a penis as more of a blunt instrument kind of thing, so maybe a better line would have been "You'll be able to commit heinous murder with your dick.. (Warning, don't try it).."
Can you imagine the medical examiners report a la Law and Order SVU on that one? "It looks like she was killed by a blunt instrument to the back of the head. Looks like a viagra fueled penis impression to me"..

So, do you think I could do a better job?..