inannamute

You know you have awesome friends when they can look at your drunk ass, sitting on a bathroom floor, vomiting your guts out, and they can still be inspired to hug you and tell you that they missed you while you were gone.

Love you guys.

________

Update..

So, I said at some point I'd reveal what had been going through my head during and after my trip back home to england..

A lot of what I've thought about is where I belong. Ever a transient, I've had something like 11 or 12 different addresses in the past eight or nine years. I say addresses, rather than homes, because I don't know that any of them have really felt truly like home. Maybe they have, I don't know.

I miss england now though. I didn't before. 6 years here, without going back, and I didn't miss it for a second, not one instant of homesick ever crossed my mind, not for the place, not the people, nothing. But now, I feel it. But of course, aye there's the rub, I've made the majority of my psuedo adult life here, and I know going back, I'd miss things, here, too. I'd struggle with culture shock again.

But at the end of the day, while I truly believe that you can never go home again, I do think that I want to live in england again, once more.

I spent so much effort in running away, it was kind of inevitable that I'd have to be drawn back to the UK. The distance from myself, the distance I needed to figure things out, I've gained that, now. Perspective, experience, insane things I can't even begin to describe, being here has given me all of that, not to mention some fantastic friends, and experiences, too.

But there's something to be said about being surrounded by things that everyone around you understands.. not having to explain, all the time, that you missed out on something everyone here gets, because you didn't grow up here.

It's not easy to explain why I'm drawn back.. because I can't really intellectualise it.. it's just a gut feeling that that is where I belong, sometime, soonish.

I think I'll probably spend something like the next five years here. At least I'll spend the next couple - because I want to get american citizenship, which would enable me to live in either country from then onwards, without losing the right to go back to the other one. I can't guarantee that in another ten years, I wouldn't want to move back to the US after all.

But everything I'm thinking and doing, is intended to get me back to the UK, in the way I WANT to go back.. I could leave now, after all, sell my stuff here, move back in with my parents or my brother, find a job, etc, but I think that would be sort of going back as a failure. I'd rather go back in five years, at a different place and different status in my life, a position of power..

For one thing, I want to be able to move back probably to london, because I love that city so much, and trust me when I say that going back without money or the ability to make a lot of it, is not fun. It's an expensive place to live.

What saddens me though, thinking about this, is that I know there are people I will simply completely lose touch with, no matter how close we are now.. I know from experience that for some people, out of sight, truly does mean out of mind. I've been forgotten, or.. dropped by the wayside, because I disappeared, more than one time in my life. It's inevitable, but still not fun.

There are more thoughts running around my head, but then, for a true insomniac, there always are.

Funny conversation recently, with my parents and my brother. My brother can sleep anywhere, anywhen, no matter how much sleep he has had already, no matter what timezone he's in or what time of day it is. My mother makes a comment about him always having been like that, and then makes a similar comment about me. My response was kind of a "WTF?".

I've been an insomniac since I was five. At the latest. I can remember always waking up, struggling to fall asleep. I can remember being taught at that age that even if I woke up, if it was before 6 am, I couldn't turn the lights on and read, I just had to lie there and go back to sleep. My parents had to buy me a digital glow in the dark clock, and teach me what were and were not acceptable times to be up and about, just so that I didn't get up in the middle of the night to read or play. For years I would wake up hours before my alarm clock, read whole books before breakfast. So I found it almost insane that my mother would not remember this, would in fact, label me somehow as someone who slept easily and well.

I've always been someone consumed by my thoughts, always struggled with the blankness necessary for sleep, even meditation doesn't really work, though it does bring me peace..

Thankfully I'm not a daily insomniac, it tends to operate in phases, but still, sometimes, I'm just a complete bitch, because I haven't slept in a week.

It's funny how other people rewrite reality at random, just to suit them. I know that I'm an insomniac, when I listed the events above to my mother, she admitted it too, but it is just.. odd, ridiculous, that all of that had magically disappeared and turned me into this happily sleeping magical child in her head. Maybe it's easier to think of your kid as someone who never suffered from anything, I dunno.

Kind of like saying, when someone who has been very sick dies, that at least they're better off now, not suffering anymore.

I always want to yell "How the hell do you know? You're not dead, are you?" For all they know, it could be far far worse.

Yeah, I'm crazy, I know.