in_decission

I broke my hand last night. Two fingers and some of the knuckles, maybe it's just sprained but it hurts really fucking bad. I can't play guitar, and keyboard is very limited. Right now I'm typing kinda slow. and the story goes:

Too much drinking, tried to do three consecutive cartwheels and on the third i crashed into a bush in my front yard and my hand was half on the wooden border of this island thing and half on the lawn, so that fucked it up good. I was too drunk to feel it much though, but it woke me up this morning. Also me and my friend punched each other pretty hard, like out of nowhere, I mean we didn't care and we were just being playful, and we laughed it off, but blood was drawn from each of us.

I need to stop fucking drinking, now. There's too much shit I need to take care of and not enough time to piss so much away. But I've said all this shit before, it just loops back around. There's drinking and drugs everywhere I go, and I'm too fucking impulsive, too easily addicted to things. I try to calm down and meditate and just breathe, but I can't relax. It used to be so easy, I could close my eyes and I was there. Now whoever I was has kinda faded.

I need to develop some fucking willpower and the sense to know how to direct it fucking quick, because drinking myself to death isn't working out for me, and it's not what I really want. I need to keep reminding myself not to forget in the face of it, but I need to figure out how.

It's kinda funny how far down lonliness will take you if you let it.

I'm in the middle now more than ever, the place I always loved to be, but it's time to fucking choose, I only hope I can, and stick with it. For once in my fucking life.

I need to snap the fuck outta this.