in_decission

"Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning"

All I remember from last night is piles of cocaine and lingere, and the sunrise over the nasty puddle that is lake michigan, and seagulls...I could keep this chain going for a good while now I think, so we'll leave it there for now. It's been so long since I've had to say fuck everything (well almost everything, there's still one thing I can never forget about.) But I couldn't do it. I couldn't let everything go, I couldn't just turn away so easy for one night like I always used to be able to. No matter how many lines I did I still felt sober, still felt bleh, cocaine's not really my drug of choice anyhow. No matter how much Maria would try to philosophize about things like I used to be able to before my head went all screwy on me, no matter how little clothing she was wearing, no matter how many seagulls she flicked cigarettes at, no matter how much I tried, I was just numb all night. I wanted to do something else, but there was nothing else. It's like those movies, or cartoons, or bad dreams, where you're running away from some unstoppable evil, and then you come to the edge of a cliff, look down, and all hope is lost. I don't know maybe the nights of quick fixes are over for me, maybe I'm done lying to myself, tricking myself into thinking that's all I need. It's been so long since I spent a whole party with my head down in some godforsaken corner, I don't know if I should try and stop this, or just rush headlong through and hope to come out the other side. I'm so sick of waiting, and even sicker of my poor excuses for doing, so why doesn't that change anything?