imwhitetrashmatt

anytime I get in those rock bottom places, I look at this picture and remember why I took it. theres something about structure.

sometimes I think I got it, and other times I feel like Im trying to balance on jello

When I was younger I would go through months of mild depression on end, and have a day or 2 of happiness where I didnt have panic attacks, and didnt get pissed off about anything, then back into the same routine.

as Ive gotten older, the downtimes seem to be few and far between, but when Im actually down, its rock fucking bottom.

Ive seriously debated being an asshole and just offing myself a few times, and a few times, I went back to the same structure and tried. but there are always little things keeping me from it. I set small goals to keep myself occupied. but every now and then, those agendas clear out, and Im left with nothing to look forward to.

Im usually an upbeat person (ok, not always, but I have my moments). but this imbalance is just tearing me up lately, I dont know if its the weather, or if Im just severely bored, but it's got to end soon, one way or another. I cant stand it anymore, it's not effecting my work habits at all, Im fine when Im at work, but the moment I get home, all I can think of is putting a rope around my neck (and not for auto-erotic purposes perverts)

maybe I'm just a selfish prick, but I look back at all the times Ive tried, all the counceling I was forced to go through as a teen, and I dont see anything wrong with it, I dont sit back and think "damn, that was pretty fuckin stupid wasnt it?"

it just doesnt make a difference to me.