I want to preface this post by saying that I'm fine, or at least as fine as I can be. I'm not, and have never, considered taking drastic measures to deal with my problems (self harm). I know that makes me luckier than a lot of people, but I feel like that's where most peoples' minds go whenever someone mentions they're feeling depressed. That being said, I had another terrible fucking week, in a long line of terrible fucking weeks. When I start to feel depressed, it's almost always because of specific situations in my life, I don't think it's because of any kind of imbalance (I can't be sure, as I've never been to see anyone for it). Without getting into specifics, there are things in my life that I literally can't change. No amount of therapy, positive thinking, or talking about my feelings, will make a difference. These "things" are what leads me down a path to feelings of being trapped, anger, and the thought that I'm letting everyone around me (including myself) down. There are exactly 2 people on the planet that could help with my situation, and they've both basically told me I'm on my own. The fact that these 2 people are my siblings, doesn't help with my mental health 😅. My other problem, is that I'm part down-to-earth-realist, and part wild daydreamer. For a while, I let the daydreamer take over. It's more fun, and life's worries seem to melt away when he's in charge. The only problem is that none of it is real, and when the realist takes the wheel again, it can be a pretty hard crash. Well, the realist took back over this week, and decided to call it quits with the few things I actually derive a small amount of happiness and escape from. One of which was this site. It was an immature, knee-jerk reaction, to unrelated events, but I was ready to give up on a community that has shown me nothing but support, and has even gotten me writing again. Luckily, it only lasted all of 2, 2 1/2 days? 😅
Two things happened earlier tonight that changed how I want to at least try and move forward. The first was an old friend randomly reaching out on Instagram, after almost 15 years. It was exactly the thing I didn't know I needed to hear, and it almost brought me to tears. I included a screen grab of the initial text, 'cause dammit, it made me feel good. The second, was that I reached out to an old Army buddy that I haven't seen in almost 17 years. I was genuinely just saying hello, and reestablishing a line of communication, but he was ready to drop everything, and drive two states over in the middle of the night, if I needed it. It's the kind of friend I didn't know I had anymore. Anyway, the point of this post is to try and pass along the good feelings. If you're tagged below, it's because I consider you a friend, and as such, if you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask. If it's within my power to help, I'll do it. Aiight, it's almost 2 a.m., I've been drinking (obviously), and imma go make myself a grilled cheese.
@adam_bovary @dennovondiesel @mily @olgakulaga @truetrue316
