being an insomniac is driving me nuts...
shit, this whole vacation thing is driving me nuts.
when i was at home, i could fall asleep whenever i felt ready.
i miss the stress of being at home.
i miss having lots of time by myself - so much that i don't know what to do with it.. i'd usually end up staying home alone and drawing for hours (usually, i'd stay up very late to complete my project before going to sleep.)
but i've been unmotivated to draw since i left chicago.
i have ideas, i just don't have the motivation to pull out my sketchbook.
i'd assume this is why i can't sleep; my days are incomplete now that my life is void of daily artistic accomplishments.
i've been reminded constantly of how guilty i feel for living my privilleged lifestyle. i mean, how many people have all of their time to themselves due to their lack of responsibilies and then go on vacation when this all this idle time becomes a bit overwhelming and binding? (then bitch about it?!!)
it's very humbling to realize that i take for granted what some people never really experience.
it makes me feel like an asshole.
i'm utterly grateful, but i really wish i could trade places with someone on the other side... for their sake moreso than mine; i mean, some people don't know what it's like to be a spoiled bitch. while it's virtuous and gratifying to werk for what you get (yes, i've had to do a whole lot of this, i'm not THAT spoiled) it can be gratifying to be taken care of, especially when it's not something that you're used to.
i wish i had more to share with the rest of the world...
well, it's necessarily that i don't have anything, it's that i don't really know what i have to offer.
correction: i wish i had more direction.
i guess i'm just feeling pretty lost.
nothing new here.
another thing i realized tonight is that i've never really felt like an essential component of any particular group.
i'm well aware of the fact that individuals can and do become dependent upon me - i can even be like a drug to some. on the other hand, i've never really felt like the cornerstone of any group's foundation... in fact, i've felt like quite the opposite - the outsider.
sitting among a group of people, i cannot ever remember having felt important. in response to this, i've developed this sort of chameleonesque defense mechanism.
it doesn't really work tho... i still feel the same way i've always felt; i'm the one who's there because i wanted to be, not because i was asked to be there.
even with my friends, dependents, and acquaintances, i still feel like an outsider... they couldn't possibly know me; i really don't let them. i give them only bits and pieces.
i used to be "friends" with many multiple faceted people.. why they'd put up their "friendly" front, then act cold and apathetic in other situations, i'm still kinda unsure of. anyway, i've been drowning in the pathology of these people my whole life (and to think i sometimes wonder why i don't trust the genuinity of people's interest in me... pssshhh.) these people would gravitate toward me and befriend me on their own time, but when their friends were around, things were different. the funniest part was that i was often times friends with their friends too.
i specifically remember this one instance... my "best friend" from elementary skool once told me that she didn't want me to talk to the other kids at skool about us hanging out all the time. my naive confusion masked the pain this girl had inflicted upon me.
this was my introduction to the reality of my relationships with my peers.. an introduction to the pain of my future.
so, i guess that would explain my reclusive inclination to sit alone for days at a time... i've never really been able to trust anybody, and i have a hard enough time trusting myself.
i also don't like bringing my friends together... i prefer hanging out with them one on one.
i'd never really realized why before.. it's just my way of adapting, i guess.
i've come to realize that a lot of the things i do are responses to my past, my way of survival.
well, there you go.. now you know a little bit more than you needed to know about me.
what kind of patterns have been prevelent in your life?
shit, this whole vacation thing is driving me nuts.
when i was at home, i could fall asleep whenever i felt ready.
i miss the stress of being at home.
i miss having lots of time by myself - so much that i don't know what to do with it.. i'd usually end up staying home alone and drawing for hours (usually, i'd stay up very late to complete my project before going to sleep.)
but i've been unmotivated to draw since i left chicago.
i have ideas, i just don't have the motivation to pull out my sketchbook.
i'd assume this is why i can't sleep; my days are incomplete now that my life is void of daily artistic accomplishments.
i've been reminded constantly of how guilty i feel for living my privilleged lifestyle. i mean, how many people have all of their time to themselves due to their lack of responsibilies and then go on vacation when this all this idle time becomes a bit overwhelming and binding? (then bitch about it?!!)
it's very humbling to realize that i take for granted what some people never really experience.
it makes me feel like an asshole.
i'm utterly grateful, but i really wish i could trade places with someone on the other side... for their sake moreso than mine; i mean, some people don't know what it's like to be a spoiled bitch. while it's virtuous and gratifying to werk for what you get (yes, i've had to do a whole lot of this, i'm not THAT spoiled) it can be gratifying to be taken care of, especially when it's not something that you're used to.
i wish i had more to share with the rest of the world...
well, it's necessarily that i don't have anything, it's that i don't really know what i have to offer.
correction: i wish i had more direction.
i guess i'm just feeling pretty lost.
nothing new here.
another thing i realized tonight is that i've never really felt like an essential component of any particular group.
i'm well aware of the fact that individuals can and do become dependent upon me - i can even be like a drug to some. on the other hand, i've never really felt like the cornerstone of any group's foundation... in fact, i've felt like quite the opposite - the outsider.
sitting among a group of people, i cannot ever remember having felt important. in response to this, i've developed this sort of chameleonesque defense mechanism.
it doesn't really work tho... i still feel the same way i've always felt; i'm the one who's there because i wanted to be, not because i was asked to be there.
even with my friends, dependents, and acquaintances, i still feel like an outsider... they couldn't possibly know me; i really don't let them. i give them only bits and pieces.
i used to be "friends" with many multiple faceted people.. why they'd put up their "friendly" front, then act cold and apathetic in other situations, i'm still kinda unsure of. anyway, i've been drowning in the pathology of these people my whole life (and to think i sometimes wonder why i don't trust the genuinity of people's interest in me... pssshhh.) these people would gravitate toward me and befriend me on their own time, but when their friends were around, things were different. the funniest part was that i was often times friends with their friends too.
i specifically remember this one instance... my "best friend" from elementary skool once told me that she didn't want me to talk to the other kids at skool about us hanging out all the time. my naive confusion masked the pain this girl had inflicted upon me.
this was my introduction to the reality of my relationships with my peers.. an introduction to the pain of my future.
so, i guess that would explain my reclusive inclination to sit alone for days at a time... i've never really been able to trust anybody, and i have a hard enough time trusting myself.
i also don't like bringing my friends together... i prefer hanging out with them one on one.
i'd never really realized why before.. it's just my way of adapting, i guess.
i've come to realize that a lot of the things i do are responses to my past, my way of survival.
well, there you go.. now you know a little bit more than you needed to know about me.
what kind of patterns have been prevelent in your life?
[Edited on Jan 06, 2005 1:25AM]
when i went to portand for a 3 day weekend i felt lost without records to play or a guitar to mangle or a computer to stare at, so no wonder you can't sleep...........unfortunately i be the psycho-manipulator in relationships, i recognize and don't do it as much but i still sleep into passive-aggressive weirdness.........
hey you can trade places with me and i'll suffer the bouiguisse (booj-wah however you spell it ) blues for a while!!??!!