i had a fun little dose of restaurant drama last night, and i can't help but gossip...
so, i'm out to dinner with my parents, two aunts, and my cousin at this little dive-hole that they all love. my parents drove themselves, and when the rest of us beat them there. when we arrive, my aunt is torn over where we should be seated, since THE waitress is on vacation. while my nitpicky, micro-managing aunt gail tried to gauge out the best of the wait station real estate, i run off to the bathroom.
in the bathroom, i adjust my hair (i had a clip holding my bangs out of my face and the rest of my hair in a low ponytail - i realized that with my pseudo-D&G sunglasses resting in their normal spot on above my hairline, i didn't need the clip, so I took it out and put my hair in my typical braid, since it wasn't too hot.) by the time i'm leaving the bathroom, i find my family sitting right in front of me - our waitress is sweet, and she has a sweet little shadow trainee - and i swear to god those sunglasses were still on my head.
my family is notorious for our highly escalating banter since every one of us has such a clearly defined voice (quite literally, you should hear some of the voices in my family) and a desperate need to be heard - well, there really is a little bit more variation in the group's texture than i'm describing; my cousin is very passive in situations that don't involve her, and my aunt lori, the ex-elementary school teacher and principal, the most reasonable mediator of the bunch, typically sits back to watch the situation deflate before restoring sanity to the madness. we're talking about this necklace that my cousin bought, and my mom asks where she got it, my aunt gail digs in her purse for the receipt, since the location of this flea market stand is quite controversial at the table, but she sees that she doesn't have that particular receipt in her purse. so, let me abbreviate the table discussion from there - my dad's yelling at my mom about this lipstick on his keyholder, and my mom's accusing of my dad trying to grab her friend's boob (it seems that they'd been fighting over this on the drive to the restaurant, and now, my mom was trying to avoid the discussion in front of us, but i was way too interested to let her brush it away) - apparently, my mom has a picture of it.
cut to: we finish dinner, and my aunt gail goes for her purse. she can't find it. she stands up and starts yelling about how her purse was stolen. i tell her that it may have been left in the car, so she checks the car, and the bathroom, but comes back and resumes her tantrum. at this point, obviously, all of the surrounding tables are watching. she announces again "my purse was stolen right here!" to which my dad snaps back "you've said that seven times!" at this point, i'm just sitting back soaking it all up as my aunt lori is trying to console aunt gail. someone's suggestion to check the bar shoves me out of my seat - i swear, my family is too much.
the bartender must be popping Quaaludes in his coke - when I asked him if anyone's brought him a purse, it seemed that he was trying to placate me with his "nobody brought me anything" line, but hey, I'm not the hyper one in the situation, I mean, this is just my natural state - and I've got to say, I was pretty calm relative to the tension surrounding me, but admittedly, I thought my cooky aunt was just forgetting that she'd actually left her purse at home.
The manager comes over to the table and tells us that there's a camera, and that they'll go check it to see what happened. My aunt is defeated, and I'm trying to perk her up, because she doesn't have a conclusive answer yet.
He comes back saying that he saw the purse get stolen... Ok, gumshoes, who did it? The shadow - yep, the quiet little trainee. He brings the purse back to the table, he'd found it in the bathroom behind the trash. My aunt checks it, she finds that all her money's missing. The manager goes back into his office. Meanwhile, the waitress comes up to me asking "did I miss something?". I fill her in, and she starts gossiping about the girl - how she's been convinced all day that the girl was sober, etc. She goes back to the waitress station where all the girls check their purses. This is when I notice my glasses are gone - how the fuck did that happen? I'm pretty impressed. When I announce it to the table, they all laugh at me - I swear, those things were on my head - that is why I took off my clip. I KNOW it, but I decide not to pursue it because I guess several hundred dollars in cash and travelers' cheques are more significant than my favorite $5 D&G knockoffs.
The trainee, "Ashley", comes out to the table in tears, boohooing about how she'd never take anything from anybody because she's got a two year old son. My dad tells her that she'll never see him again once he calls dcfs on her, which is guaranteed until his sister gets her money back. So she begs for mercy and thrusts a little wad at my aunt, then proceeds to run. My cousin and I aren't having that - we bolt around her, until we're right outside the exit to block her. She turns runs through the restaurant to the kitchen exit - Erica and I run alongside the outside of the building. We're not too sure where this door is, but we're trying our hardest to get there as the hostess behind us shouts directions. Finally, we get to the kitchen exit, to see "Ashley" being restrained by aunt lori and our waitress, and while the girl cries that she has to go talk to her mommy, aunt lori tells her that she's not going anywhere - the aggression being emitted from my pacifist aunt was beautiful, truly moving. So the girl decides that it'd be a good idea to drop her pants and have a seizure... brilliance. I would've felt like a total cunt for laughing and scrutinizing the girl had I not been 98.9% positive that she was full of shit as we're all standing. Did I mention that somewhere in the middle of this fit her pants dropped to her ankles? I could not control myself. I've never really seen a seizure, but I'm damn near sure they look nothing like what I was seeing. Shit, I've faked better seizures than that.
Alright, well, the story dwindles off from here - my aunt has counted, and she has all of her money back, and she decides not to press charges. The restaurant decides the same. So, "Ashley", after a short pep-talk from aunt lori storms off murmuring "bitch has money, she should be paying my bills" and I'm totally caught off guard - I ask my cousin what she just said. My cousin tells me, then threatens to punch her in the face if she doesn't shut up. I love it - the second passive party of the bunch turned violent. And me, I'm just sitting back enjoying the ride...
But I never did find those damn sunglasses... I'll kill a bitch.
there are many other far better stories out there, written by much better writers. point being: click here and help bring bbc world news to american tv and spare yourself from the painful boredom keeping you locked into my insignificant ramblance.
so, i'm out to dinner with my parents, two aunts, and my cousin at this little dive-hole that they all love. my parents drove themselves, and when the rest of us beat them there. when we arrive, my aunt is torn over where we should be seated, since THE waitress is on vacation. while my nitpicky, micro-managing aunt gail tried to gauge out the best of the wait station real estate, i run off to the bathroom.
in the bathroom, i adjust my hair (i had a clip holding my bangs out of my face and the rest of my hair in a low ponytail - i realized that with my pseudo-D&G sunglasses resting in their normal spot on above my hairline, i didn't need the clip, so I took it out and put my hair in my typical braid, since it wasn't too hot.) by the time i'm leaving the bathroom, i find my family sitting right in front of me - our waitress is sweet, and she has a sweet little shadow trainee - and i swear to god those sunglasses were still on my head.
my family is notorious for our highly escalating banter since every one of us has such a clearly defined voice (quite literally, you should hear some of the voices in my family) and a desperate need to be heard - well, there really is a little bit more variation in the group's texture than i'm describing; my cousin is very passive in situations that don't involve her, and my aunt lori, the ex-elementary school teacher and principal, the most reasonable mediator of the bunch, typically sits back to watch the situation deflate before restoring sanity to the madness. we're talking about this necklace that my cousin bought, and my mom asks where she got it, my aunt gail digs in her purse for the receipt, since the location of this flea market stand is quite controversial at the table, but she sees that she doesn't have that particular receipt in her purse. so, let me abbreviate the table discussion from there - my dad's yelling at my mom about this lipstick on his keyholder, and my mom's accusing of my dad trying to grab her friend's boob (it seems that they'd been fighting over this on the drive to the restaurant, and now, my mom was trying to avoid the discussion in front of us, but i was way too interested to let her brush it away) - apparently, my mom has a picture of it.
cut to: we finish dinner, and my aunt gail goes for her purse. she can't find it. she stands up and starts yelling about how her purse was stolen. i tell her that it may have been left in the car, so she checks the car, and the bathroom, but comes back and resumes her tantrum. at this point, obviously, all of the surrounding tables are watching. she announces again "my purse was stolen right here!" to which my dad snaps back "you've said that seven times!" at this point, i'm just sitting back soaking it all up as my aunt lori is trying to console aunt gail. someone's suggestion to check the bar shoves me out of my seat - i swear, my family is too much.
the bartender must be popping Quaaludes in his coke - when I asked him if anyone's brought him a purse, it seemed that he was trying to placate me with his "nobody brought me anything" line, but hey, I'm not the hyper one in the situation, I mean, this is just my natural state - and I've got to say, I was pretty calm relative to the tension surrounding me, but admittedly, I thought my cooky aunt was just forgetting that she'd actually left her purse at home.
The manager comes over to the table and tells us that there's a camera, and that they'll go check it to see what happened. My aunt is defeated, and I'm trying to perk her up, because she doesn't have a conclusive answer yet.
He comes back saying that he saw the purse get stolen... Ok, gumshoes, who did it? The shadow - yep, the quiet little trainee. He brings the purse back to the table, he'd found it in the bathroom behind the trash. My aunt checks it, she finds that all her money's missing. The manager goes back into his office. Meanwhile, the waitress comes up to me asking "did I miss something?". I fill her in, and she starts gossiping about the girl - how she's been convinced all day that the girl was sober, etc. She goes back to the waitress station where all the girls check their purses. This is when I notice my glasses are gone - how the fuck did that happen? I'm pretty impressed. When I announce it to the table, they all laugh at me - I swear, those things were on my head - that is why I took off my clip. I KNOW it, but I decide not to pursue it because I guess several hundred dollars in cash and travelers' cheques are more significant than my favorite $5 D&G knockoffs.
The trainee, "Ashley", comes out to the table in tears, boohooing about how she'd never take anything from anybody because she's got a two year old son. My dad tells her that she'll never see him again once he calls dcfs on her, which is guaranteed until his sister gets her money back. So she begs for mercy and thrusts a little wad at my aunt, then proceeds to run. My cousin and I aren't having that - we bolt around her, until we're right outside the exit to block her. She turns runs through the restaurant to the kitchen exit - Erica and I run alongside the outside of the building. We're not too sure where this door is, but we're trying our hardest to get there as the hostess behind us shouts directions. Finally, we get to the kitchen exit, to see "Ashley" being restrained by aunt lori and our waitress, and while the girl cries that she has to go talk to her mommy, aunt lori tells her that she's not going anywhere - the aggression being emitted from my pacifist aunt was beautiful, truly moving. So the girl decides that it'd be a good idea to drop her pants and have a seizure... brilliance. I would've felt like a total cunt for laughing and scrutinizing the girl had I not been 98.9% positive that she was full of shit as we're all standing. Did I mention that somewhere in the middle of this fit her pants dropped to her ankles? I could not control myself. I've never really seen a seizure, but I'm damn near sure they look nothing like what I was seeing. Shit, I've faked better seizures than that.
Alright, well, the story dwindles off from here - my aunt has counted, and she has all of her money back, and she decides not to press charges. The restaurant decides the same. So, "Ashley", after a short pep-talk from aunt lori storms off murmuring "bitch has money, she should be paying my bills" and I'm totally caught off guard - I ask my cousin what she just said. My cousin tells me, then threatens to punch her in the face if she doesn't shut up. I love it - the second passive party of the bunch turned violent. And me, I'm just sitting back enjoying the ride...
But I never did find those damn sunglasses... I'll kill a bitch.
there are many other far better stories out there, written by much better writers. point being: click here and help bring bbc world news to american tv and spare yourself from the painful boredom keeping you locked into my insignificant ramblance.
nopantsdave:
Wow...nice story....can I come have dinner with you and your family some time?