ilooklikesatan

I don't like being spiteful or angry. I don't like holding grudges. It's not me, it's not my style. I'm generally a chill dude, water off the back kinda motherfucker.

But right now... yeah right now I'm those things.

You'll excuse me, please, if I come off some way I don't intend - emo, jealous, bitchy, what have you. I merely need to vent and don't really consider myself any of the above.

Anyways this involves the ex... some of you may remember I was dating Nerra for about half the year. I'm not gonna air out too much dirty laundry, because well... I'm just more respectful than that. But in order for me to properly vent - some dirty laundry is likely to end up on the floor here.

Clearly... we broke up. If you look at her profile she's obviously moved on to ANOTHER SG member with red hair and a beard.... O_o Anyways... When we broke up it was originally no big thing. Break ups happen. I didn't LIKE that it happened, but shit... I'm used to things I don't like happening. I took it in stride, decided to try to remain friends.

Well... that only lasted so long. It only took a week or so before she's calling me after work every day. Asking if she can come over and stay the night with me. Etc, etc. I'm not making a big deal out of it.. I'm receptive. Eventually it keeps on going and it's almost like we're dating again, only I'm not getting any of the sexual benefits. So I decide to say something along the lines of "Are you happy with us breaking up? Do you find what you said you were after?" Her reply was sort of vague, but in general seemed to be a "No. But I doesn't want to talk about it."

Ok, no sweat - I can be cool. I'll ride it out, see where things go - right? So things continue the same... on the phone all the time, spending the night together, eating dinner together, etc etc.

Then... Have you ever just had one of those feelings like somethings not RIGHT. Like there's more than what you can see going on? Well I do, and I was getting that feeling. My ex fiancee hated that I got those feelings... I knew when she was cheating EVERY TIME (yeah... happened multiple times). I'm perceptive. I KNOW shit even when it's hidden from me. So then she's in DC visiting a guy friend of hers. I decide I'm gonna call her out on it. I ask "Is something going on between you two?" Well... she gets defensive; "I told you we'd never date again!"

Shit... I should back up. That conversation? The "I told you we'd never date again!" one she's talking about? Here's how it played out over text message.

Me: "Coming over tonight?"
Her: "I want to, but I feel like I'm leading you on."
Me: "Leading me on how? I know there's a chance nothing is going to come from this, but right now I'm just seeing where things go."
Her: "Well I never date a guy twice."
Me: "That seems like a silly rule, no offense. It implies you're always right, or that the other person can never be forgiven for making a mistake. That doesn't seem fair or wise."
Her: "You may be right...."

As you can see... that conversation had absolutely 0 definitive resolution. So while she definitely quoted herself in saying she'd never date me again.. there was a whole rest of a conversation and subtext she conveniently left out.

I decide to do some research into this and find out that essentially she had been dating this dude from about a week and a half after we broke up. AND... this was a guy who BEFORE we broke up she was planning road trips with, inviting down for visits frequently - all just before we split... So, I'm see this as something that was pre-meditated by her and she was keeping me on the back burner - staying in my bed don the weekdays and driving up to fuck him on the weekends.

Now I'd like to preface that - had I been AWARE that this was how it was gonna be. I'd probably have been totally cool with it. Had I been informed by her that she was seeing someone else since she KNEW how I felt, instead of, yes - she was right before - leading me on. I'd have been peachy with it.

But there's one thing I do NOT tolerate and that's lying to me and trying to manipulate me. So... I told her to never speak to me again, get out of my life. She said she didn't understand why her moving on meant us not being friends... I told her she clearly didn't get it. The only vindication I had was that the dude in DC dumped her the same day too - apparently she hadn't told HIM about ME either.

Anyways... here's what currently has me fuming. Going on 3 months later and she's now trying to buddy back up to my friends - asking for xbox live names and wanting to play shit online with them and what not.

As far as I'm concerned this is just further disrespect towards me and not being considerate of my feelings on the matter. This is pretty par for her course.

Now.. I want to end this appropriately. I do not bash an individual and make myself out like an Angel when I am not.

Nerra is a decent enough individual. For all her telling me how immature I am... she just has a hell of a lot of growing up to do. Her insecurities and past unfortunately control her life and she has yet to define herself on her own terms. It's sad... cause there's a great girl in there who doesn't know how to get out and keeps getting in her own way.

And for the issues in our relationship, I am not wholly innocent. I made mistakes.I know what they are. In fact... I generally knew as soon as I did them. The difference between the two of us in our relationship was my willingness to own my mistakes and try to correct them and forgive her mistakes even when she didn't. And her biggest one was walking all over a guy who knew her really damn well and actually cared an awful lot.