ilooklikesatan

I do my very best to keep my blogs upbeat. I don't consider that to be too difficult, because in general I'm a pretty happy guy.

However.... this New Years SUCKED. After 4 days of torture in Savannah I'm an emotional wreck. I try to portray myself as that rock - that guy that nothing can phase, but the fact is that I am very much human. And while I am not overtly emo, I do HAVE emotions. And sometimes they are quite painful.

I really don't have it in me to type out the events a long with the history leading up to them, so I'm going to copy a message sent to one of the people involved. I think through it you'll be able to gather a pretty decent picture of what occurred.

Sorry for the downer this time folks.... but the rollercoaster has to take dips to get that momentum up the next hill.

Here's the message:

I just didn't want to tell you while you were supposed to be having a good time. I didn't want to put a damper on it.

In order to fully understand why I was upset you have to understand some things sorta. I'm not exaggerating when I say probably a good 90% of things I plan and/or excitedly look forward to are generally destroyed in some way. If you ever wondered why I don't plan things or simply say "I don't care" it's cause of that. I feel like fate is often trying to ruin me, so I do things spontaneously so it can't keep up.... I could go into countless pieces of evidence, but that'd be too long.

One issue is that this started years ago, when I first asked you out. You clearly were not ready to be dating. No big deal. I happened to run into Lauren around the same time, so... no harm no foul (though we see how THAT turned out...). Then you were with Jason. Well.... at one point in my life that'd be no big deal to me. I have a bit of a history with being "the other guy", so that wouldn't have stopped me. Except... I don't want to be that anymore. And I felt like with someone like you, you deserved to have things done RIGHT. So.. I sat back and kept an eye on things. I didn't force things one way or another. But I'm well aware that I have to work harder than most guys, so I figured at the very least I need to lay ground work. I was very happy to be getting to talk with you more and us get closer. That's not to say that it was all some... ploy that is in vain if I don't date you. That's not my prerogative, you're a very good friend - that doesn't change.

Anyways. So that makes what happened upsetting on multiple levels.

-I have been trying very hard to do things the right way, to be shown up by a guy who just swoops in without knowing you by landing a kiss.

- I had been planning and looking forward to that trip for months. My original expectation was a bunch of married couples, and then you and me. It seemed obvious to me that that would place us paired up for any events - which made me happy - and meant additional time spent with you that could at least simulate the potential relationship. When midnight struck I imagined all the husbands and wives kissing to ring in the new year and that that would be when, after years, I would make my move as well.

-When all these things went horribly astray... it was then you and Liam, and Jen and Matt... and me... by myself. On New Years. Again. Every MOMENT was a reminder.

-Then we started looking at pictures... with Kathy in them... that is still INCREDIBLY painful for me. Even if I try to make it seem otherwise. Hooray for 2 nights of dreams of her after that....

There's a bit more, but do you see how this just spiraled further and further down for me? I was drinking non-stop to simply distract myself from it. Which is why I didn't want to drink on Friday... I realized what I was doing, and I didn't like it. That's not why I started drinking. Every day I just wanted to leave to go home... it was 4 days of constant reminders of my short comings and failures. Despite my best and most noble efforts... I never get the girl. Oh thank you Wii Fit for pointing out in front of everyone that I'm obese and Liam isn't... oh and thanks Liam for further making sure to rub it in. I'm approaching 27 and I'm still. fucking. alone.

I need to point out, though - make sure you understand. It's not YOU. I'm not angry or upset with YOU. It's the situation. It's my life. It's this constant pattern that frustrates me and drags me through the mud. It's that every time I feel good about anything, most specifically ME, I am reminded I should not.

Big Boys don't cry. And I'm a VERY big boy.....