illuminatus

"The new ideas emphasized interactions among continuously evolving forms. Some people talked about evolution as an arms race, by which they meant an ever-escalating interaction. A plant attacked by a pest evolves a pesticide in its leaves. The pest evolves to tolerate the pesticide, so the plant evolves a stronger pesticide. And so on.
Others talked about this pattern as co-evolution, in which two or more life-forms evolved simultaneously to tolerate each other. Thus a plant attacked by ants evolves to tolerate the ants, and even begins to make special food for them on the surface of its leaves. In return the resident ants protect the plant, stinging any animal that tries to eat the leaves. Pretty soon, neither the plant nor the ant species can survive without each other." Micheal Crichton, Prey




Constantly hot, dramatically boring most of the time, and panic inducing monotony. Same food, same hours, same shit, everyday. Inability to get new music or movies, four int he morning alarm ever morning. The same ten people everywhere, and a thirteen hour work day, everyday. Broken public restrooms and showers, tiny living quarters, and an uncomfortable abundance of ghetto mother fuckers and wannabe gangsters. A daily reminder of the uniform days and a longing for the old friends, and absence of family... and no sex, of any kind. Period.

By all means, this may very well be the definition of "sucking," or at least very stress inducing.

But I find myself more than just content. I'm completely, genuinely happy. Happy enough, that I'm dreaming again, and good dreams at that. I'm constantly smiling, and apparently always good for a laugh. My reading is up ten fold, and I'm finally enjoying history and philosophy books again, when I can find them.

Something has happened to me the past couple weeks. Something inside of me has opened up, something I have been trying to force for well over a year now. I'm finally gaining a control over myself, able to lift and drop my guard at will, notice things in people easier, signs, and develop and genuine concern. I finally feel, complete, at least as complete as any average individual can.

Sure, I still find myself craving for combat from time to time, but not obsessively, and not for my own gain. I find myself just wishing to help the way I used to, the way I know I can succeed at. But that's it. I'm fine where I am at with this, and instead I begin to allow my mind to wonder into random thoughts, outlandish day dreams and achievable goals. I let if surf from future to politics to the job and even into what seems to turn out to be a small temporary relationship if it even ever makes it there, signs recently point to otherwise. But I was able to see that coming, and my guard raised up in time, and I'm much less bothered.

I seem to be developing my childhood again, although so far only in sporadic short bursts, that are, though, increasing in frequency. i think of my little sister, of her innocence and humor, as ditzy and airheaded as she is. Her dumb jokes and lack of anything other than a smile. I don't think about my mom's big stress out moments, her violent cursing, her constant worrying. Instead, I think about her teenage type actions of happiness and goofiness that comes from time to time, like dancing like a nerd in the living room. It hit me, all this time I claimed that I was the one that never lived by what other people consider normal, and in the household I was the most serious one, I was the one that was hiding all my normal random activities and the goofy actions.

Now I seem to be emulating these characters that I miss, and acting that way that makes me happy. Makes others happy. I'm dropping my baggage, ignoring it and moving on.

This is uplifting, comfortable, and a large weight seems to be disappearing from my shoulders.