illuminatus

At what point does our irrelevant past suddenly become relevant? When we go through our memories when we know we really shouldn't be. I find myself doing that often now, missing some of the glory days, missing some of the people. A few, I really shouldn't. I'm clutching the memories randomly throughout the days, and I have to let them go. Yet for some reason, all muscle control is gone. Whatever is in my hand, will not move. Where to put them...

Why look to a past you know is not correct when you have a present that is? How can I miss that which drives me so fucking crazy?

And more...

My dreams aren't what they used to be. There is no longer the haunting past, just premonitions. My dreams now consist of just that... my dreams.

My unit deploys back to the middle east in a couple weeks, and I am heading to Texas to see them off. I think of the memories we shared, a smile always crosses my face. I think of the laughter, of the sweat. I think of the fear, and honestly, I smile. Not a smile of happiness, yet not one of sarcasm or irony. Just... a smile. Then sadness. I haven't had an uncontrollable negative thought of it all in a long while, what I once called progress, nothing haunting me from my past tour. However, a new terror emerges. Something that has the ability to keep me up to late hours of the night.

I want back.

Now, I'm torn. I have dreams ahead of me that require my presence. I have desires behind me that require my sacrifice. Fuck, I have even found myself looking up SWAT jobs, or armed security jobs around me. What the fuck happened to my adrenaline? I can damn near total my car now and not feel a thing. The old rush from racing down back roads and hearing the tires chirp as they squeeze onto every bit of grip they can find, it's gone. One hundred and twenty five, one handed... no rush. The only thing I can come close to that is continuing the project of the house.

Painted more today, painting more tomorrow, making this place look much better. Yet, though I cannot believe in anyway that the desire to feel the sense of accomplishment is bad, it still isn't enough. I need a rush. I need my senses to become incredibly sharpened, for my reflexes to become my only driving force, be able to feel everything yet nothing. I know longer walk downtown keeping alert for any threats, I desire them. I want something to happen, somebody please come at me with a small knife, hold me at gun point and demand my money. Anything for bring that feeling back.

This cannot continue. I need back....