illuminatus

Not really sure where ANY of this came from, how it started really, but it has sparked quite a process in my head. It all started so innocently, too...

If a tree falls and nobody is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Or... does it even exist? If there is nothing around to experience the sound, is there even sound? The lack of existence by experience could still be the lack of existence. It's just too hard for the human psyche to comprehend. That and indefinite existence.

But really, the idea that there is no existence is not at all beyond our comprehension. Space, the absence of anything, still hard to process. There always needs to be something. Imagine a jar with nothing at all in it. No air, no molecules, nothing, a perfect vacuum. It actually wouldn't exist for longer than a moment, as the vacuum would close in. But now try to imagine it forever...

And hence the expansion. The idea of nothing. What if, after life, there is nothing at all? This mere idea would be the creation of religion, that thought of nothing scares people. There has to be SOMETHING after all this. There cannot be just nothing, but if there is, then what is there to fear?

I don't want existence to end. I don't want there to be nothing. Even if I reincarnate, it would pretty much be like nothing anyways. And suddenly, I'm afraid to die again. I fear death... wait, what?!

I have been here before. I used to fear death, but in Iraq I came face to face with it. Multiple times. And lost the fear. I stopped caring about being killed. I knew that if I were to die, I would die with honor, something I had previously not understood.

But now, I fear it again. I would gladly go back out to the fight, and risk my life. There, I could die in a firefight without being afraid first. I will drive on IED infested roads to complete a mission, and should I be blown up (again) and die, then so be it.

But I am terrified of dying without purpose. Terrified some drunk driver could hit me, some low life would shoot me in a robbery. Terrified some freak accident would end my life.

Did I really define my existence within the military structure? Did I really place my life in all that it is within the confines of war? The pure adrenaline rush and true feeling of life, a placement in structure, a constant mission and a purpose, bring honor to my family.

Should I die in the sand, I would die for a purpose.

But no longer. Now what? Lost....