illuminatus

So where to begin? I've been deliberating the introduction to my writings for a while now, whether or not to open right up with what's on my mind, or to give some background in the current thought topic in efforts to create some sort of understanding among whoever it would be that reads them. So, hey, let's stick with the second option. Lets open the bag up and share a bit more with my life.

This time, I won't even say I'll try to keep this short, as that seems to have been failing for the past couple attempts.

Years ago, way back in the days of my childhood, my mother met a man that seemed to be great. Nice guy, active in the church, seemed to have his head on his shoulders, seemed to care a deal for me. Fast forward a bit, to a point where I can start to understand my world. Talk about a total front. This man proved to be the single most abusive thing of my childhood. Forget that I had almost no friends, I was terribly short and nerdy, made fun of constantly. Whatever. The cruelty of grade school children was nothing in comparison to this man's abuse. Dealt with it for years, watched as he continued to front himself as the greatest man on the planet to everyone he encountered, but we at home knew his true side.

End flash back sequence. Fade into modern day. Roads are icey, winds keeping the snow drifts in constant motion. Cold, too cold to go out anywhere. Just me and a couple six packs, safer, more comfortable.

So, straight to it... I'm fucking tired of people fronting to me, people who act one way but totally feel completely different. It's been a few people recently, getting on my nerves with this shit. To be quite honest, if people have something to say to me, I really couldn't care less about tact or some demented thought of timing, just say it to me. If you invite me out somewhere a few days in advance, but then ignore me the day of, well, that's the damn same.

Been told this, and I'm starting to see it. I have this nice side to me, the nice guy sort of presence about me, and people are taking that for granted. I'm so sick of fake friends, the ones that pretend to be there for me or whatever, the ones who say they are friends but really only are there when they want to be. The ones that say one thing but only to maintain their illusion, completely tossing me off in some stupid little lie, rather than just saying "I don't want to talk" or something along those lines. Some poor excuse, regardless of how legitimate it may seem, is still an excuse, and still childish.

Taking me for granted, well, that isn't too hard. If I care for you in the least, I'll typically try to put you before me, but not before my family. Sorry, but still, before me. I can be going through whatever, but I'll still talk about whatever. And I like to talk, I like to chat with many people, but even for those who aren't much, seriously, if you're not interested in talking to me, don't give me your number and act like you are when I'm around.

Keeping me on a string is something else entirely. That's not even childish, or rude. Rude doesn't express just how ridiculous that is. Come out for a word or two every once in awhile, or talk to me like things are alright, but then just shrug me off your shoulders when you feel like it. A friend of your convenience does't deserve your friendship at all.

So what do I do from here? I mean, I'm going through shit, I'm dealing, but here's what I notice. There are people that are there to talk to. People that really are interested in me, and really do care about me. Here's what I've noticed about this group... they are like me. They don't sit there and tell me constantly that they care, in fact when we hang out together, shit it's almost as though there's nothing serious to discuss. But when I do need somebody to talk to, they make sure it's known, "Hey, I care about you, and I want you to be alright."

These people, they listen to me when I need it, and sometime communicate back with something bothering them. And we talk to each other. Other times, they set aside their personal concerns for a brief moment for me to open to them, as I do with others. Now, yeah, it's weird, if we are both setting aside our own shit, when does it get discussed? That's easy, once one of us breaks and says something, both of us can communicate our bothersome thoughts. It works out fucking great, when we both are genuinely interested.

These people don't front. They don't even act like anything is ever different. But more importantly, these people NEVER put themselves before others. Yet, they know that with only moments of being an ear for me, I will be an ear for them. They don't hang me out on a string, keep me just distanced enough to be interested, fuck that. They bring me as close as we are both willing to get.

When I was younger, after that man, I told myself I'd never let myself be played again. Seems as though my own care for others has successfully failed that promise. Well, here and now, I draw my own line. It's not in anyway selfish, I'll give genuine care and priority to those who show the same. All others, friends or not, well...

I don't care so much for the quantity as the quality. That goes for people too, for friends.