It's gotten this bad. I don't even know what to write to myself. I'm completely losing the will to talk to ANYONE. I feel like I've reached this point again, where I'm willing to just allow myself to fall into absolutely nothing, watching as I fail at everything I have ever desired to have, tried to have. Fail at everything, anything I ever was.
Luckily, I've forced myself to get my school work done. Forced. I have all the time in the world to complete it, but for some reason I'd much rather lay on the couch and stare at the empty television screen while the world flashes before my eyes. My friends call, and I just press silent, maybe even ignore. Then I'd act like I have some sort of will to do something, quickly finish my required class work, and go back to what I was doing... failing.
I've tried so many things for the better of me over the past month. My smoking has been cut in half, and I'm not even consciously quitting, just watching it happen. I was out with a couple friends the other night, I had a DD, but still after two drinks, I didn't feel like drinking anymore. I'm moving in a positive direction in that manner. I'm achieving what I never could.
Yet a horrible realization has come about. Discussions with my class about interpersonal relationships aside, another chat with what I used to be able to call a friend shocked me into a stunning, and rather depressing realization.
I am a horrid friend. The worst.
I find myself being selfish all too often, keeping to myself and rarely recognizing when a friend is in need. Those I used to call friends, well, I'm pretty much at their mercy, if they don't consider it of me anymore, that's my own fault. Fuck, I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I can't even start a conversation with anyone, barely even family. My father calls and it becomes a "so.... hey" conversation.
I need to change this.
I want to punch something. Claw at the walls, snap wood, break glass, destroy something, anything. I want to fracture my finger on the concrete that is my basement, if only to feel the pain of being alive. That proof that I am not wandering out of my own skin. Maybe I should just start putting fist sized holes in the already busted drywall.
Fuck.
Luckily, I've forced myself to get my school work done. Forced. I have all the time in the world to complete it, but for some reason I'd much rather lay on the couch and stare at the empty television screen while the world flashes before my eyes. My friends call, and I just press silent, maybe even ignore. Then I'd act like I have some sort of will to do something, quickly finish my required class work, and go back to what I was doing... failing.
I've tried so many things for the better of me over the past month. My smoking has been cut in half, and I'm not even consciously quitting, just watching it happen. I was out with a couple friends the other night, I had a DD, but still after two drinks, I didn't feel like drinking anymore. I'm moving in a positive direction in that manner. I'm achieving what I never could.
Yet a horrible realization has come about. Discussions with my class about interpersonal relationships aside, another chat with what I used to be able to call a friend shocked me into a stunning, and rather depressing realization.
I am a horrid friend. The worst.
I find myself being selfish all too often, keeping to myself and rarely recognizing when a friend is in need. Those I used to call friends, well, I'm pretty much at their mercy, if they don't consider it of me anymore, that's my own fault. Fuck, I don't know what to say to anyone anymore. I can't even start a conversation with anyone, barely even family. My father calls and it becomes a "so.... hey" conversation.
I need to change this.
I want to punch something. Claw at the walls, snap wood, break glass, destroy something, anything. I want to fracture my finger on the concrete that is my basement, if only to feel the pain of being alive. That proof that I am not wandering out of my own skin. Maybe I should just start putting fist sized holes in the already busted drywall.
Fuck.
i find punching walls to be quite therapeutic