Funny things happen in life. Funny things about life. The people we encounter aren't the same as the people we meet. The people we meet are not the same as the people we talk to. The people we talk to are not the same as the people we learn about. What we say is not always what we think. What we think is rarely something we say. Nowadays, we have our internet lives. Our lives online very rarely are our lives in person.
It's everyday. We decide what to say to whom, but we never decide when to say it. Instead, we decide when not to. It's those words we do not speak that become the words we are judged by. Or the words we speak that are not what we think. And then suddenly people see exactly what we aren't.
It's completely inevitable. In some way shape or form we are all different through character counts and pixels than we are in real dimension. Whether we are calm and shy in person and completely crazy online, or we are calm and practical online but spontaneous in person. Or visa versa. Fuck, even in person we are rarely ourselves. Everybody. We may have our acts and our games, things we do we find to be fun, yet we find ourselves judging people based off the way we perceive ourselves. The ways we open up and act, we start to impose that as how others do. The words we say and where hold the same weight as the words others say in similar places. We can't do that. And we search in these places for signs of who a person really is. Then we try to find a way to open to them in those mediums, and most of the time find we can't.
We still look for the moments in which to let ourselves out entirely. Then again, most of the time we actually don't. Instead we search for the moments of possibility where we can open up, and chose to reject them. Fear of disappointment, of rejection, of being outcast. Most people don't even bother to try to probe. Others want to know. But our denial of this connection becomes the person we become in their eyes. Judged by the words we do not say.
Sometimes, it's not you being judged, but rather your turn to judge others. It's other people you wait for words from, it's other people's statements you weigh. And you do so, you turn and say that this and this is how they are, whether you are trying to learn them or not. Then it becomes entirely too rare that a pair of people can actually learn each other.
I made a statement awhile ago about gauging responses from people. I've made statements about my distrust in many because of their failure to accept what I open. I am now taking that back entirely. I cannot weight the bond of a friendship by their words, or by their silence. I cannot sit here and say that certain people hold no weight in my life based of what I perceive of them. Especially if I know for a fact that very few people actually see me.
I sit back and I think, which of my friends are true? Which of my friends know me for me? As I pile the list I attempt to follow advise i have been given over the past little while, and I start to wonder, what have the others done to not deserve what these people do? What makes these friends what could be considered my best friends?
They all started the same. Seeing a side of me that I prefer to show, a side that is personable. Then they see more. And the best friends... waited until it just came out of me. They stuck around long enough for me to start slowly showing myself, whether I do it consciously or not. These people, they stayed by my side, through thick and thin. They never judged me based off my words, instead found what it was about me they enjoyed and stuck onto that, just watching the rest of me unfold.
So what, am I just going to say that other friends are not worth the same care as these ones? Because I didn't really hang out with them as much? Because I never got that comfortable with them? How can I of good conscious do that? I am not that selfish, fuck I barely consider myself selfish at all. I have things of me that i am not to fond of, but hey, it's what I did. And I'm not even referring to the dark things, just random shit. And it comes to my attention that the people that are judging me based off of these things, they are the ones that I should be second guessing. The people that only seem to really act upon the dumb mistakes I have made, and very rarely base who I am off of the good things I do.
What worth are the ten steps back if all of my other steps forward are ignored?
It's everyday. We decide what to say to whom, but we never decide when to say it. Instead, we decide when not to. It's those words we do not speak that become the words we are judged by. Or the words we speak that are not what we think. And then suddenly people see exactly what we aren't.
It's completely inevitable. In some way shape or form we are all different through character counts and pixels than we are in real dimension. Whether we are calm and shy in person and completely crazy online, or we are calm and practical online but spontaneous in person. Or visa versa. Fuck, even in person we are rarely ourselves. Everybody. We may have our acts and our games, things we do we find to be fun, yet we find ourselves judging people based off the way we perceive ourselves. The ways we open up and act, we start to impose that as how others do. The words we say and where hold the same weight as the words others say in similar places. We can't do that. And we search in these places for signs of who a person really is. Then we try to find a way to open to them in those mediums, and most of the time find we can't.
We still look for the moments in which to let ourselves out entirely. Then again, most of the time we actually don't. Instead we search for the moments of possibility where we can open up, and chose to reject them. Fear of disappointment, of rejection, of being outcast. Most people don't even bother to try to probe. Others want to know. But our denial of this connection becomes the person we become in their eyes. Judged by the words we do not say.
Sometimes, it's not you being judged, but rather your turn to judge others. It's other people you wait for words from, it's other people's statements you weigh. And you do so, you turn and say that this and this is how they are, whether you are trying to learn them or not. Then it becomes entirely too rare that a pair of people can actually learn each other.
I made a statement awhile ago about gauging responses from people. I've made statements about my distrust in many because of their failure to accept what I open. I am now taking that back entirely. I cannot weight the bond of a friendship by their words, or by their silence. I cannot sit here and say that certain people hold no weight in my life based of what I perceive of them. Especially if I know for a fact that very few people actually see me.
I sit back and I think, which of my friends are true? Which of my friends know me for me? As I pile the list I attempt to follow advise i have been given over the past little while, and I start to wonder, what have the others done to not deserve what these people do? What makes these friends what could be considered my best friends?
They all started the same. Seeing a side of me that I prefer to show, a side that is personable. Then they see more. And the best friends... waited until it just came out of me. They stuck around long enough for me to start slowly showing myself, whether I do it consciously or not. These people, they stayed by my side, through thick and thin. They never judged me based off my words, instead found what it was about me they enjoyed and stuck onto that, just watching the rest of me unfold.
So what, am I just going to say that other friends are not worth the same care as these ones? Because I didn't really hang out with them as much? Because I never got that comfortable with them? How can I of good conscious do that? I am not that selfish, fuck I barely consider myself selfish at all. I have things of me that i am not to fond of, but hey, it's what I did. And I'm not even referring to the dark things, just random shit. And it comes to my attention that the people that are judging me based off of these things, they are the ones that I should be second guessing. The people that only seem to really act upon the dumb mistakes I have made, and very rarely base who I am off of the good things I do.
What worth are the ten steps back if all of my other steps forward are ignored?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
But I'm not talking about your blog.
BUT WE DO NOT HAVE "IN PERSON." SO PLEASE STOP BRING THAT FUCKING UP. IT DOES NOT APPLY WITH US.