illuminatus

I have not slept for many days
Yet I have dreamt of the unseen
Now I have found this place in myself
I have dreamt of no control
And then I will see what the hate it can take
I will stand up to see what I really can be
I'll cry if I need to but I'll proceed to
A state of hate and to be a superior me
I have dreamt of this for so long
I feel my inner self will grow strong
And so I will break down, I'm blind to your ideas
I don't want to be me, I can't stand the pain
And then I will see what the hate it can take
I will stand up to see what I really can be
I'll cry if I need to but I'll proceed to
A state of hate and to be a superior me
I have dreamt of this for so long
I feel my inner self will grow strong
If I can only be what they want
I'm me , exploding into history
I dream of leaving this
Kill this and never come back
Never fuckin' return
I dream of me - Kill this, my dream
I have not slept for many days
Yet I have dreamt of the unseen
Now I have found this place in myself
I have dreamt of no control
And then I will see what the hate it can take
I will stand up to see what I really can be
I'll cry if I need to but I'll proceed to
A state of hate and to be a vision of me
I have dreamt of this for so long
I feel my inner self will grow strong
If I can only be what they want
I'm me , exploding into history

so i thought i could elaborate on yesterdays writing on my religious history. yesterday, i did not at all go into my view change, just sort of explained my opinion. the process of going through this change is very intricate, almost to the point where im not confident i can accurately explain it well enough. with this in mind, ill just hit the highlights.

started in middle school. i met a kid named justin, who got me going to church groups with him. after about a year, he and i started a youth group for fellow students, and i was getting very very into it. during this time, i was still living with my step father, my very abusive step father.in that household, every sunday was church, and he was loved there. we were the perfect christian family. at home, well, welcome to hell. it was after awhile of combining the two, i decided that, even as a devout christian, i didnt need to go to sunday morning church, i could do it all my own, so long as i praise god and repent, i did not feel the need the surround myself with so much hypocrisy. continued with the youth group, but with the lack of sunday morning church, we intensified it. quarterly retreats to camps, even to a very large one in virginia once. two years in a row, we went to creation fest, where i always volunteered. i as very serious about all of it.

i had brought my brother into this world. he was only two years younger than i, and we had grown extremely close. his intensity and devotion to it all was just as strong as me. life was good, things were going well. i had given myself to god.

february 10, 2002. a day i shall never forget. my brother, my god loving brother, had died. fourteen years of age, and gone forever. i began my search, looking everywhere for an answer. i prayed that god would let me find one. he and i had always prayed for the security of our family. we prayed to health and protection. and one of the answers i received... it was gods will. gods will, completely against our prayers, so why were we bothering to pray? so i didnt accept that answer. another answer i had received was that it was a test of faith. a test of my faith? at the cost of an innocent fourteen year old boy? what sort of loving god would do that? "he is in a better place now." so god would rather he be in heaven that grow up, start a family and spread his word? i refused all of these answers, i refused it all. eventually, a blinding truth hit me.

chaos. randomness. the idea that anything can happen to anyone at any given time. life can end at any second, and i had been focusing entirely on pleasing god. fuck that, i deny that my purpose is to feed the ego of some superior being. the purpose of my life is to live it. i exist to enhance the quality of my existence. to live my life.

so thats exactly what i did. moved about by the fact that life in entirely random, without true purpose. for years, that was it: drugs, sex, parties... whatever i felt like doing. i did it all. right up until my girlfriend at the time miscarried my child from an overdose. another change was to follow.

life, in fact, wasnt random, though it could still end whenever. a series of completely unrelated events didnt kill my brother. it wasnt gods will, it was some assholes will. my child didnt randomly go away, it was my girlfriend who ended that. it became apparent that i do has a direct affect on the world around me. thats when i moved to texas. thats when i decided to start over, burn down my life and rebuild it as necessary.

i looked into many religions during this phase. i had seen, felt, and done things that cannot be described my modern physics. each of these things, supporting a different theologies, and i eventually formulated my own conclusions and beliefs, drawing a bit from each, and instead of being religious, i just have my beliefs. maybe one day ill share some of them.

the contents of this dream are, well, strange doesnt accurately fit the picture. a wicked combination of joy, terror, and suspense. a mixture of happiness, combat, fire, women and something that can only be described as a puscifer. those who know understand.

to find myself being toted around by some beautifully vicious creature, a drone to this.... queen bee. some sort of brainwashed body guard, like a lost puppy, following my beloved anti-being as she just stalks out new prey, capturing them with her poisoned kiss, with her stoning gaze, the very same way she took control of me. my satanic goddess, my demonic angel. she who both caresses and picks at me heart. granting me everything at one moment, and destroying me at others. my reason to live. my personal anti-thesis.

then, somehow, rescued. rescued or captured, to me, there is no difference. inattentive blindness or wearing a blind fold, i cannot tell. either way, its safe guards the history of my situation, my dramatic change from the hive to the wild. life moves on, and things change, not necessarily for neither the better nor the worse. just new. one hundred percent of the time, different is better, yet fifty percent of the time, its worse.

a familiar silhouette now guides me, but to where, i do not know. lost in nowhere, seeking refuge in an unknown shack from an unknown enemy. my prison cell or my safety cage, doesnt matter. for some odd reason, we decide to burn it down.

i have no idea why, but we began to pile things together, pouring flammable chemicals all over the place. my friend, she goes upstairs to start one blaze there, me downstairs. even worse, no matter how hard i try, noting will start to burn. all i want to do is annihilate everything i know, obliterate my safe house, burn it all to the ground just so i can watch the flames turn to embers turn to smoke. so i can watch my life as it turns from solid to build to ash. but i just cant. it just wont let me.

leapfrog, transpose. fast forward, next chapter. or maybe rewind. jump ahead or fall behind, something. change again.

im in some sort of helicopter, very high up. world seems futuristic, with nothing but hysterical shouting in my ear. cries for help resembling the sounds of people speaking in tongues at the tower of babylon. pyres of smoke rising from the broken city below. chaos in a grid square.

from above, an unnatural light begins to grow in size. three of them, a bright white center with blue orbits and what can be described as a light radiance. picture an atom with electrons spinning about, or better yet, a glowing gyro seat where astronauts train, forced to wire a circuit board while spinning in every known direction. three of these, glowing with blue light, each the size of a small house. the kind of house with two bathrooms and three bedrooms, a two car garage and an attic. they glow right by me toward the burning and screaming squares below, as do i.

as i get closer to the ground, the severity of the situation becomes increasingly clear, increasingly terrifying, increasingly familiar. the light orbs have already found their respective marks on the ground, their radiance being shrouded by dust and debris, not to be seen from again. in my made up city, there are craters where buildings used to be. holes where once stood life. in my city, nobody is at peace. nobody is at home.

my helicopter levels out between the buildings, providing me with some form of shade, but i only get a brief moment to enjoy it. small pillars of smoke clear away to a scene you would only see in movies. vehicles it tracks, some moving, others motionless. other helicopters flying in no apparent patterns. endless sea of little dots, like a flying gnat nest in slow motion. many of these gnats have small burst of light extending from them. more smoke.

the shouting returns. little lines, shining in a moment of brilliance, shattering against the small dots, switching from one to another in rapid succession. each little shadow being thrown back from the impacts. more shouting, more inaudible cries. more smoke. so much more, quickly becomes so much less. the chaos below soon becomes nothing, and im flying away. i reach the top of an enormous skyscraper, and without warning, whatever it is im flying in, suddenly becomes a dragonfly.

cut to black. black and red. some white. cut to silence, absolute and beautiful. cut to reality. my room. cut to life. terminate dream sequence.

another dream sequence, but this time... a bit more realistic, a bit easier to follow, a bit closer to the warmth in my chest. last dream, the only person i could remember was someone i consider as a friend. always have, in the couple years i have known them, this time, not as long of a history, but much more emotion. fiercely strong emotion.

you know the dreams that feel incredibly real, almost to the point where you think its a memory? where you feel like your actually in control of your actions within it? thats how this one was.

they say dreams are your subconscious organizing all of your thoughts over the day. things you didnt even realize you were thinking about.

fuck it, to be brief.... i was back home, and this person showed up, and they were doing increasingly bad things, and when i tried to stop them, they just looked at me and said "isnt this what you wanted?"

and i woke in a small bit of concern and pain. no need to go into details anymore.