i hear it all too often. a question of simplicity and innocence, yet ive never approached such a question that required as much internal searching and deliberation. something that causes not pain, rather confusion, doesnt drive me to lose what sanity remains within, rather sets me in a still and quiet place, a temporary nirvana on the surface, a circuit board of thoughts and memories on the inside. an acceptable question that comes from a multitude of interested persons, and can never be prepared for. one that i have pondered about deeply. one that i can finally answer.
"whats the hardest part of becoming a civilian?"
strangely enough, the answer found me while i was contemplating on a completely opposing topic, one involving the situation between israel and iran, and israels recent strike on the gaza strip. how i was discussing with my roommate how that was inevitably going to happen, and that israel's forceful actions were already guaranteed before they ever started. in his curiosity, he asked me how i came about such a conclusion long ago. its simple, really. in that area of the world, the worst thing anyone can do is show any for of weakness. the moment your enemy sees it is the moment you lose your life.
thats how it was when i was there. never ceasing, always putting on the hard ass show for survival. always be on your guard, always, at least, make it seem like your ready for anything. its the best way to avoid being shot. if you seem like your ready to pull the trigger, ready to take a life, then how can anyone watching you tell any different? if you always look like your on the hunt, you will never be hunted. thats the idea.
problem is, and this is something i have said a few times before.... you play a part long enough and the part becomes you.
so, whats the most difficult aspect of military/civilian transition? unbecoming. putting that hard ass show down. its not knowing when to lower it, is being able to lower it, at all. no matter how much transition counselling you get before discharge, thats one thing they never tell you. they may tell you how to survive the differences between military towns and others, or how to work in the civilian world, but they never tell you that enemies dissipate. that your safe.
its been the hardest thing to do, and i still find myself reacting to imagined threats. just the other day, another bottle cap pop in my class caused an accelerated heart beat, increased blood pressure, heightened senses. wrote a short story about these reflexes, maybe ill post it later. either way, this never ending battle continues to haunt me, but its not something i will allow to take over my life. not something that will hold me back. just yet another thing i will have to deal with on a case by case basis. much like many things in my life, i can surpass every uprising it takes. knowing that, if i never fully elevate over this, i am already content with where i am with it.