illuminatus

upon writing this, i am now three weeks sober. let me clarify, im not two weeks alcohol free, i see no reason yet to quit entirely, and hope i never will face the time where i would have to. so long as i can maintain some sort level of control over this. nevertheless, this sobriety has allowed me to, once again, open up my eyes.

i have been watching the chaos of this world. sitting back and losing sleep over a few issues, worrying about the impact they have on my future, using my normal pessimism. worried about being forced to do something i left a long time ago.

im tired of witnessing principle being sacrificed for the sake of pride. watching the threats and growing overhead of violence, sitting here helpless as crimes completely devoid of morality and human decency are being perpetrated. watching a war of words rage on, not out of belief but out of pure spite or pure pocket, causing nothing but problems for many who do not even bear a voice in the argument. all over pride. all over some imagined self image of greatness, somehow backed by a twisted definition of logic.

and yet, all the while, i cannot help but dig deep in painful attempts to understand it all. pride over principle. how can it be done so easily, without so much as a throat clear. without so much as a second thought. just ignore the decent and protect your ego. then, almost as if out of some drama movie scene, i looked into the mirror. slowly, investigating the reflection, only to find that... i too, had been living in such a pattern. and this simply will NOT do.

"The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives." - Albert Schweitzer

these are not just words. this is not just me thinking out loud.this is a declaration. a declaration of life to myself. no longer can i live for the purpose of defining my image, i must force my image to be a reflection of my life, and my life must become the reflection of my principles. and i must clarify them, if only to myself, for this sake.

"I dont want to be a product of my environment, i want my environment to be a product of me." - Jack Nicholson's character Frank Costello from The Departed

first of all, though a mans words define his mentality, and his actions may define his character, it is his reactions that define his soul. a mans mentality is a constant shape shifter, and his character may slip, but his soul is what must remain steadfast in its place. i may say things i dont mean out of some emotional or mental charge, but they are only words. i may do things that are not right, but i am only human, and therefore naturally flawed. these words and there flaws can never be permanently avoided, and the consequences of them must be dealt with. that is where i will define myself. i must face each consequence as a result of my own, and react accordingly, with a level of decency and control. swallow all pride, forget my imagined self righteousness and focus on the subject at hand.

next, my belief in karma remains unshaken. these situations of negativity i must deal with are the direct results of the bad karma of my past. however, these affects are granting me the chance to turn the tides of my life, to produce a spot of good karma for my world. my future balances solely on the actions, and reactions, of my present. i must work hard to ensure what it is i am chasing. currently, i fear that all the negative karma has still yet to surface in my life, but if i am correct, i will deal with it when it does. take the high road, keep my dignity.

i need this mentality to survive this world. i have seen and experienced the light and the dark, the good and the evil. a wise man once told me that what i must learn above all else is how to survive in the this chaos. i take that a bit further. i say you must learn yourself above all else, then immediately train yourself how to survive in it without sacrificing who you are, and then you must expand your mind to fulfill all of your interests and curiosities, become fulfilled.

you will face a challenge during this period. a point where who you are does not match your world. you could change yourself, but that would eliminate the entire idea, and you cannot change the world; however, you can change the immediate world in which you live in. your surroundings. you can control what your world involves, how you mesh with it. your surroundings have an immediate impact on your life, yet that depends on what you let in. your environment is what you make it, therefore your life, as well, has an immediate impact on your world.

"We must become the change we want to see." - Mahatma Gandhi

what you show to this world is what you become. not necessarily right away, not necessarily one hundred percent, but after playing a certain role long enough, that role begins to define you. it takes twenty one days to create a habit, and a lifetime to break it. if we expect to change ourselves for the better, we must play the part first. make what you want to be a character you play, and eventually the character you play will become what you are.determination, persistence.

i have never been afraid to show my weaknesses, but i must remember to never cower before my fears. again, i am only human, and therefore flawed. i am broken, i am weak. sacrifice my pride in the name of principle. thats what this is about, isnt it? admitting my weaknesses takes great strength, and standing before my fears take great courage. however, merely acknowledging weakness is not enough, i must work on them. some are the way they are, others are how i made them.

one major weakness.... my heart. though, simultaneously, it is also my strength. so long as i follow it, i can continue being the nice one, the one thats there for friends, the one that cares for others. but, its weak, easily jabbed. i could protect this, i could close it off and secure it, but would i become the same i was merely a year ago? would i isolate myself from those who try to come in? i have done that before, and was happy, but only in ignorant bliss. no i think ill keep my heart wide open, for all to see, for any to touch, for this.... bring comfort to some. thats what i need to do, be comfortable to those i care about. not a weakness, a sign of courage.

another such weakness is... all of this. the fact that i have not been living my life according to my own principles. i have, instead, been trying to resemble a level of pride resembling that of what you would catch on a testosterone fueled reality television program. this simply will not do. upon writing this, i am now two weeks sober. and that, is just not good enough....