illuminatus

i dont get it. ive gone through so much progression. ive made it out of so many situations. ive entered and exited so many personality quarks. i have overcome so many obstacles, so much negativity. im trying to become as positive as possible. life, it has enhanced in so many ways.

but a ghost of my past haunts me today. a dark hitch hiker i had abandoned on the side of the night time highway so long ago. it has found me again. its return has come unexpected, a complete blind side hit. im suffering body concussions, and my mind is rattling about like a shaking cartoon character. on this ride of life, i have gone from a beautiful relaxing cruise on the cliff slide bluffs over looking the ocean, to a dark tunnel that twists and turns like a labyrinth even i snake couldnt navigate. i cannot see the light at the end, and my eyes have not yet adjusted to the dark. i could close them, speed the process up, but id run the risk of a crash. i touch the brakes, slow everything down. cruise control disengages as i search frantically, and blindly, for the headlight switch. to my right, a familiar silhouette appears. i panic.

not too long ago, my favorite past time was drinking. work was just a daily interruption. i would sleep so i could have the energy to drink the next day. id eat, but only because i had been programmed to. when everyone you know doesnt even bother asking you what your doing today, because they already know it involves alcohol, its bad. when you budget 200 dollars a weekend for alcohol, just beer and liquor, something is wrong. opposite of healthy. opposite of control. opposite of decent.

see also: cognitive dissonance.
see also: alcoholism.

i had once overcome that feeling. i had moved passed that burning desire. i had defined myself separate from that hitch hiker, dropped it off without so much as a glance in the rear view. sure, i continued to go out and have a few every so often, but i had a handle on it. a grip worthy of maintaining. i had control. i would be so naive.

now, i find myself frantically fighting my desire to buy and polish off a bottle of scotch, while simultaneously digging into myself to find some glimmer of reasoning, but the fact that i cannot, its only intensifying the desire.

see also: relapse.
see also: self perpetuated depression.

think more, write; go back, read, and edit. repeat. not good enough. edit. repeat. take a break and regress to the past. write, read, erase. only making things worse. repeat. change thoughts, ignore, attempt to move passed. get blind sided again. go back to step one. repeat, edit, repeat, erase. time stands still when you never leave the same thought. repeat.

left school early yesterday, went home and drank. i had an excuse; i was going home to get things for my resume together. but i wouldve had plenty of time for that regardless. i made a fucking excuse to MYSELF. monday just the same, but monday i was tired from the weekend driving. thats two straight days. i cannot do much more of that without failing the course. i just wont....

and to make matters worse, i brought other people into this. this is my problem. this is none of their business. they do not need my shit to deal with, and i should not need their help with it.

at least... hours after writing this in my notebook, sitting here at home, i have yet to consume an alcoholic beverage. gonna have to stay sober for a bit, but i can make it through this. i can survive this fight, i had once before. i can be the stronger one, and press on. i have to, for the sake of everything that i know.