illuminatus

yeah, i switched this from friends only to public because... well, whats the point if only certain people can read it? i wrote this a couple weeks ago....

im am man of thought. a man of action. im a man building a future. a man of progression. can i be a man who gives up? im an emotional man, a strongly built mind operating a soft heart. can i be willingly ignorant? can i blind my senses? can i really ascend reason over deep emotion?

at what point can one look someone in the eyes and say "regardless of my feelings for you, you are not mentally what i need in someone." when can one say to another "i love you. but you just are not ready for the world. not ready for me. i hope one day, you will be. but i dont foresee it." how about now?

i always thought i knew true pain. to know that right now, while you lie sleepless because all you can dream about are beautiful nightmares of your lost one, that someone else is holding the one you love the same way you used to, yet they have no grasp on what it is they are holding. you look and you want to scream... "this... is what you left me for?" it makes you realize that the feelings, those strong emotions you felt, were not reciprocated. and you simultaneously hate for what happened. you hate that you were so open and yet denied the chance to prove yourself, and he willingly and obviously is no good, yet he continues to receive the embrace you long for.

im a man of thought. a man of action. all thats happened, whos to hate? nobody. i do not get put into situations, i put myself in them. and pain i feel is my own to carry. i set myself up for this, for everything. because NOBODY determines my life, my future, but me.

sumo vestri fortuna.

its an enlightening thought, to prove to yourself you really are in control of your life. that everything is your own cause. burden? not at all. its uplifting. my past is my own. my present is the result of my resilience, my future is the product of my determination. my life is the result of my actions. nobody else has any say for where my life takes me. i am enlightened.

ego sum illustro.

hindsight is perfect vision. the past is easiest to see. i do not want easy. i want progression. i want challenge. i want to walk away victorious, increasing the strength i feel as i move on. i want to be beaten back, bruised and bleeding, thinking of a new plan of attack. my vitality is normal, and i have an acumen for pain. but each hit is another to grow from, and my strength slowly makes its way to becoming unparalleled.

my intellect drives me to learn what i want. my curiosity moves me toward the unknown. my strength motivates me, my soft heart keeping me nice to those i encounter, my demon... well, i pity those who awaken him. my past pains diminish those ahead of me.

i welcome the assault. i long for it. another challenge to overcome. another chance to shine victoriously, to prove that my progression cannot, and will not stop. this is a challenge. it WAS a challenge. one that i welcomed into my life. a challenge i overcame. one that contained another mental trophy. i made it. i progressed. on to the next one.

nothing will stand between me and my future.