illuminatus

how about a collection of short writing from the past week? anyone down? these are not dated and certainly are not in chronological order. enjoy....

insert childhood reference here:
so rudolf, hermey, and yukon cornelius are escaping from the abominable snowman, and head for the ice reef. yukon cuts a chunk out and the trio starts to float away. relation?
lets say the snowman is my past persona. me, being the confused rudolf, tags with the unorthodox strength of yukon, and the intimidated intellect of hermey; all of us strays, outcasts of our own little worlds. this is beginning to describe how i feel.
i cut myself off from the secure, empty blanket of never ending white, now just floating on my own icicle island, allowing the unsure current of the frigid waters carry me away to.... wherever. sure, i can paddle my way to a particular desired direction, but whos to say which way is best? whos to say any direction is good, for that matter? all i know is where i came from. and where i came from, i will not return to. that barren white place. its unforgiving, providing no path to travel upon, rather a pure confusion of place, with my monster lurking somewhere in its vast loneliness. my monster, with his teeth and his claws, his misguided sense of anger, his random attack patterns.
i feel more comfortable on my island, my icicle island. my lonely island, carried by an unknown force toward an unknown destination, where i will have to combine my outcast band of strength, courage, and intellect.
hoping to fade and disappear into the white....

insert childhood reference here:
so the cartoon characters are acting along as normal. doing their simple thing. but then something happens and they get depressed, and a little cloud appears overhead. its starts to rain, but just over them. everywhere else is fine and happy, them, cold, wet, and sad. alone. relation:
today i sat parked on the street, waiting for school to start. listening to my music, i notice the drops of water begin to kiss my windshield, so i rest my arm outside the window. i start my normal routine, closing my eyes and feeling the water, allowing my senses to grab hold of all around me. feeling to cool fresh water against my arm, relaxing in the purity of it. for a couple seconds, my world is empty yet perfect. but then i open my eyes and look to my left, and its dry. across the street, nothing. i am alone in this wetness, my cloud has appeared. a cloud that rains down purity and freedom, and simultaneously guilt. i decide to ignore my loneliness, and go back to my realm of comfort in the rain. for a few seconds, i live in ignorant bliss.

insert childhood reference here:
life can be so safe. you have the ability to keep yourself in familiar surroundings, make sure you stay out of danger. but as a child, thats not our ways. even older, as a teen we rebel. but as a child, its all innocence, just fun. we do not actively think about the dangers, just do it. the pain we may end up feeling, sure it hurts at the moment. it sucks. but we love scars. we love to show them off. as soon as we move past the pain, the injury becomes humorous to us. they become.... life. relation.
life is governed by chaos. a chaos of the space we occupy. and, like anything governed by chaos, life in dangerous. dangerous to the mental, spiritual, and physical being. passing by another in public can be a dangerous event, but we chose to thwart that threat with kindness. sharing your thoughts with others can be a dangerous habit. we counter the danger by surrounding ourselves with like-minded individuals. exposing our spirit is constantly dangerous, but it is that danger that ends the monotony of daily life. with no danger comes no excitement. with pure safety comes no fulfillment. with no pain comes no peace.

ENDING THOUGHTS FOR THE NIGHT
so now, i bury myself in meaningless books, listening to the same short sighted songs, meeting people as empty as the cold, vast space. stupid little action books, no better at painting a picture than a cat with finger paint. songs of the usual anger or depression. people of little interest. is this what my life is coming to? an endless cycle of self destruction and self improvement? is this the only way i can grow? advancement through regression. feeling alive by feeling pain. have i really begun to analyze my day to day so much i seek and desire meaning in everything? more importantly... is this just another step in my progression, or have i reached the end of my mental journey? only time shall tell.