illuminatus

i wrote a lot earlier, about what i was about to do. but i did it before i could post about it, so i guess its all irrelevant. point is.....

well....
sg land, i have a question..... if the person you love wants to be friends, but its hurts you to see them NOT with you, if you love them enough that they drive your mind insane... is it wrong to stop talking to them? is it wrong to tell them you cannot be friends, and that things just cannot be, because it kills you every time you think about them with someone else? am i really senseless in my decision? or am i truly moving on with my life, and allowing myself to be truly rid of all of my negative feelings?

i told a woman, a woman who still held my heart, that i cannot be her friend. i cannot deal with this anymore. knowing shes with her boyfriend, laying with and holding someone in the same manner that i only dream of anymore.... i told the woman i love.... that i cannot be her friend. i told her i must exile her from my head if i am to continue my life....

it hurts so incredibly bad. i find myself sharing my depression with beer and scotch. i find myself feeling lonely again. i find myself saddened again. but once this subsides, i will be whole again. is it really hard for someone to understand....

i love you so much i cannot put up with you being with someone else, fuck i cannot put up with you just NOT being with me. it drives me insane, and i find myself wishing that we were still together. therefore, forgetting about you completely is the best think i can do for me, for us.

i know you may think me to be selfish for this, but the less you understand, the more i believe i did the right thing.

EDIT:

in other news.....


my little brother graduated high school yesterday.... holy shit.... it sucks i couldnt be there....