illuminatus

so.... people from my past have been re-entering into my present. some innocent enough. others.... well, its strange. there were people i had forgotten completely about, such as my 5th grade girl. others i had had a slight thing for, but we never moved on it, such as my sisters army friend. she called me the other night out of NOWHERE. one, someone from not all that long ago who had a thing for me, but the feelings werent really there. another, well, things had happened, things were said, but friendship is more than cherished. innocent enough. but one.....

well, where the fuck to begin with this one. i have a friend from the army. we were close, but he started falling away when i moved, and since then, well, he's almost a ghost. its his ex wife. weve hung out a lot in the past. done a lot of crazy things together, all of us. good people. but she.... she has a thing for me, and has for awhile. and i kinda liked her too, but i brought her into my mind as a sort of surrogate sister, kept things simple. shes a LOT of what i look for. very much so. super fun, kind with a bitchy side. the kind i usually seek out. but still, there mere morals of the situation are just wrong. or are they? my friend, he knows nothing of me anymore. never talks but simple replies to my texts. i seem to help him so much when i can with no apparent gratitude. maybe im just over thinking this, but hes slipping into a life of no good. i have tried, time and time again, to stop him, but i receive nothing in return. no attempts from him.

hes leaving my heart, my close circle. i miss who he used to be. i miss our close friendship. i feel like im desperately holding on to a rope that has no knots, and no anchor. no support.

and now this... now her. fuck i just dont know what to do. im keeping the whole situation at bay, maintaining the innocence of our banter for now. though, i will admit, a flirt here or there slips out, but i keep it low leveled. simple. nothing beyond what hasnt already transpired between us. a joking manner of things i used to view it. i guess i was wrong then, im probably wrong now.

but is it so wrong. someone you care about, regardless of HOW you have forced yourself ot care for them, cares about you. you enjoy each other's company. is it wrong to desire? fuck i dont know. guess the mirror will be a good friend again for a little while.

i wish i knew the answers as the questions arise, but on the flip side, there would be no searching if such were true.

EDIT

i feel such guilt. when i left pa.... a lot of my friends, well they broke down, hard. one still works at a gas station, one still lives with is parents. two dropped out of school, and one started heavy on drugs. when i returned to visit, the druggy one, well he saw how i changed, joined the military, and hes back.

with my army buddy, he was always a good soldier. was in line to make sargeant, was awesome to be around. a great friend and a great person. but since my move to houston, well, he got demoted, lost his girl, lost most of his old friends. the friends that were good influences. i know that his choices arent mine, and that his life is not my life, nor my responsibility. but god, how i feel likeive ruined it. how ive allowed him to go down this dark path he has chosen.

the guilt hurts, but at least theres no denial. i seem to fuck up a lot of things. must be kharma. i guess... i must deal with them. ive tried so save him. i really did. maybe its kharma, for me to watch as those i hold close fall, i guess kharma is the reason i must feel pain in watching people leave, as some have felt pain in watching me leave. i am the sole artist of my own life. i am its sole writer. i am its sole owner.

to deny this, to ignore this pain, is to ignore what i was before. to ignore the pain i caused when i wasnt myself, is to ignore what i was back then. i am the culmination of all my yesterdays. the guilt hurts, in so many things. but denial, is what will kill you. and at least i hold no denial.

i am the master of my destiny.