i have always admired people in ways most dont understand. i dont admire marilyn manson for his music, but i like it. i dont admire chuck palahniuk for his writing, though i love it. i dont admire maynard james keenan for his words, though i find myself singing them constantly, be it verbally or mentally. i do admire these people for their views on the world, as i can smoothly relate to them. but mostly, i admire them for how they share these views, in an unrestricted "here it is, take it or leave it" manner. their ability to use words in ways that i cannot. i relate to their ability to draw inspiration from their past, to use it as a latter more than as a crutch. how the pains of the past only strengthen their future.
healthy isnt the right word, but its the first one that comes to mind.
i do not retain the skill set required to be able to turn my opinions and my views comfortably into words. but i do have the ability to live by them as much as i can, getting myself into trouble at times. other times throwing me into depression. one time, assaulting my life so rapidly from so many different directions for such a long time i was able to succeed in complete cognitive atrophy. but each time, through each challenge that presents itself and every pain i can blame only myself for, my views are only strengthened or proven. my opinions become backed by a form of experience or knowledge that cannot be threatened. each jab to the gut is another i learn from, each punch i throw is another unknown. every fight is another way to grow. i built my life on action, on experience.
i seem to be able to draw inspiration from unexpected sources. i rarely find wisdom when i search for it. this is not the case here. i have been burying myself in the words of others recently, searching for a proper explanation of my feelings. i have always been a fan of the above mentioned celebrities, but i could never accurately describe why other than the abstract phrase "i can relate."
i have been furiously reading the words of chuck palahniuk and listening to the lyrics of maynard james keenan, desparately searching for explanations i could not formulate. i admit, my limited vocabulary and lack of composition skills can be rather restricting and lacking in solid definition, yet i am proud the i can live by my decisions and beliefs in real time, and recently find some ways to write them out, thanks to some severe recent soul searching. i am happy to announce that i have found the words that i could not connect myself to describe my mentality.
i finally got my hand on "stranger than fiction," and series of true stories by palahniuk that he says he draws his inspiration from. a few of his stories, well, they truly speak to me. his words draw the connections i have towards books, movies, music, etc.
the danish philosopher solen kierkegaard defines dread as the knowledge of what you must do to prove you're free, even if it will destroy you. these painful acts i put myself through, these past situations where i can say ahead of time "this is going to hurt" are me proving to myself that i am free to live the ways i believe in. not just on the physical plane, some of it to prove i can feel certain ways or do certain things that bring more than just happiness to me, regardless of its inevitable end. even though i know that pain will be associated with my actions, i do them because i can and want to. because i am free. free from restrictive doubt. free from negative outside influence. im free to make my choices, and live the way i want to.
my army life being the prime example. many, including my recruiter, wondered why and questioned my decision to join a combat position for the purpose of going to war. it was mainly a matter of wanting that first hand experience on the war, on a broader definition of life. that desire was derived from this way of proving to myself i can live the way i wish. many telling me to do a safer job, many others telling me not to do it at all. but that was what i wanted, regardless of its consequences on me, though i did severely underestimate them, and it proved to have a profound and destructive affect on my life.
to phrase it best, i will quote marilyn manson:
"... what people think is the perfect world, the ideal that we're all supposed to live up to, the way we're supposed to look and act, and it's about wanting - your whole life - to fit into this world that doesn't think you belong, that doesn't like you, that beats you down ever step of the way, fighting and fighting and fighting and finally getting there and realizing that now that you're there, everyone around you are the same people who kept you down in the first place. so you automatically hate everyone around you. you resent them for making you become part of this game you didn't even realize you were buying into. you trade one prison cell for another in some ways.
"that becomes the revolution, to be idealistic enough that you think you can change the world, and what you find is you can't change anything but yourself."
there is the mental affects from the army in words. perfect. flawless. precise. in all its horrific glory. these are the fights i deal with every day, to try and ignore influence from others on my life, to continue to walk talk and act the way that defines me. battling against trial after trial after fight after fight. challenges and opportunities. thats what this life presents us. thats what we must overcome and prosper over every step of the way, growing older and wiser through each one, building part of ourselves and fitting together all the little pieces so that one day we can finally say that we are, in fact, and unique individual. so that one day we can look back and say to ourselves...... life, though harsh, was worth every fucking second.
EDIT:
confusion is not a term i prefer to use when describing my thoughts, yet today just... vocabulary lack. i cannot even try to find a word for this new... thought. this annoying, no longer passive thought. antagonizing isnt the right word, but its the first one that comes to mind. its somewhere between when someone keeps poking you in the same place and when someone holds their finger right in front of you chanting "im not touching you" repeatedly. just this incredibly irritating phrase. spent a little bit cleaning the house with the ipod on full blast and my voice at volume 11. shame i live in such a small apartment now, or i couldve spent MORE time in this comfortably distracting action. i wish i could understand the intentions of such an innocent gesture. i tried to search for meaning behind the words.... and decided to use a line spoken by a great graphic novel character.
"existence is random. has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. no meaning save what we choose to impose."
healthy isnt the right word, but its the first one that comes to mind.
i do not retain the skill set required to be able to turn my opinions and my views comfortably into words. but i do have the ability to live by them as much as i can, getting myself into trouble at times. other times throwing me into depression. one time, assaulting my life so rapidly from so many different directions for such a long time i was able to succeed in complete cognitive atrophy. but each time, through each challenge that presents itself and every pain i can blame only myself for, my views are only strengthened or proven. my opinions become backed by a form of experience or knowledge that cannot be threatened. each jab to the gut is another i learn from, each punch i throw is another unknown. every fight is another way to grow. i built my life on action, on experience.
i seem to be able to draw inspiration from unexpected sources. i rarely find wisdom when i search for it. this is not the case here. i have been burying myself in the words of others recently, searching for a proper explanation of my feelings. i have always been a fan of the above mentioned celebrities, but i could never accurately describe why other than the abstract phrase "i can relate."
i have been furiously reading the words of chuck palahniuk and listening to the lyrics of maynard james keenan, desparately searching for explanations i could not formulate. i admit, my limited vocabulary and lack of composition skills can be rather restricting and lacking in solid definition, yet i am proud the i can live by my decisions and beliefs in real time, and recently find some ways to write them out, thanks to some severe recent soul searching. i am happy to announce that i have found the words that i could not connect myself to describe my mentality.
i finally got my hand on "stranger than fiction," and series of true stories by palahniuk that he says he draws his inspiration from. a few of his stories, well, they truly speak to me. his words draw the connections i have towards books, movies, music, etc.
the danish philosopher solen kierkegaard defines dread as the knowledge of what you must do to prove you're free, even if it will destroy you. these painful acts i put myself through, these past situations where i can say ahead of time "this is going to hurt" are me proving to myself that i am free to live the ways i believe in. not just on the physical plane, some of it to prove i can feel certain ways or do certain things that bring more than just happiness to me, regardless of its inevitable end. even though i know that pain will be associated with my actions, i do them because i can and want to. because i am free. free from restrictive doubt. free from negative outside influence. im free to make my choices, and live the way i want to.
my army life being the prime example. many, including my recruiter, wondered why and questioned my decision to join a combat position for the purpose of going to war. it was mainly a matter of wanting that first hand experience on the war, on a broader definition of life. that desire was derived from this way of proving to myself i can live the way i wish. many telling me to do a safer job, many others telling me not to do it at all. but that was what i wanted, regardless of its consequences on me, though i did severely underestimate them, and it proved to have a profound and destructive affect on my life.
to phrase it best, i will quote marilyn manson:
"... what people think is the perfect world, the ideal that we're all supposed to live up to, the way we're supposed to look and act, and it's about wanting - your whole life - to fit into this world that doesn't think you belong, that doesn't like you, that beats you down ever step of the way, fighting and fighting and fighting and finally getting there and realizing that now that you're there, everyone around you are the same people who kept you down in the first place. so you automatically hate everyone around you. you resent them for making you become part of this game you didn't even realize you were buying into. you trade one prison cell for another in some ways.
"that becomes the revolution, to be idealistic enough that you think you can change the world, and what you find is you can't change anything but yourself."
there is the mental affects from the army in words. perfect. flawless. precise. in all its horrific glory. these are the fights i deal with every day, to try and ignore influence from others on my life, to continue to walk talk and act the way that defines me. battling against trial after trial after fight after fight. challenges and opportunities. thats what this life presents us. thats what we must overcome and prosper over every step of the way, growing older and wiser through each one, building part of ourselves and fitting together all the little pieces so that one day we can finally say that we are, in fact, and unique individual. so that one day we can look back and say to ourselves...... life, though harsh, was worth every fucking second.
EDIT:
confusion is not a term i prefer to use when describing my thoughts, yet today just... vocabulary lack. i cannot even try to find a word for this new... thought. this annoying, no longer passive thought. antagonizing isnt the right word, but its the first one that comes to mind. its somewhere between when someone keeps poking you in the same place and when someone holds their finger right in front of you chanting "im not touching you" repeatedly. just this incredibly irritating phrase. spent a little bit cleaning the house with the ipod on full blast and my voice at volume 11. shame i live in such a small apartment now, or i couldve spent MORE time in this comfortably distracting action. i wish i could understand the intentions of such an innocent gesture. i tried to search for meaning behind the words.... and decided to use a line spoken by a great graphic novel character.
"existence is random. has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. no meaning save what we choose to impose."
chrysis:
I wasn't saying we had to be best friends. I was just saying that, yeah, it had been long enough and I think we're both over any clawing-at-the-throat temptation. And I was curious if there would come a point where we would be decent. I know we both probably have a corner in our minds where we have shit to say, but do you think we can ignore that and be cool?