illuminatus

the mind has been in a state on constant siege. im stuck trying to defend my choices and values from attackers of an unknown source. its not depressing by any means, just annoying. these assaulting thoughts are defending people and ideas that are not deserving of defense. i sort it all out through the violence of my video games, allowing my subconscious to clean up the clutter. i return to it later, after i have had my fill of winning enough domination matches. and it all boils down to what ifs. i need to forbid these thoughts, and im slowly getting better at it. luckily, however, these what ifs are a mere nothing that affects my life, but more of just a wandering of my curiosity.

not too long ago, when the siege began, many noticed i really started to open up the lines of communication with people again. and as it turns out, they have all proven to be of great help to me. from people who really know who and what i am, to people who have just met me. all have been reinforcing my thoughts and views. my opinions and decisions. some of these statements have even helped me to see im still on the path of life i want to be, that i AM if not becoming the person i wish to be. without being provoked, even, just bringing it up in casual conversation, accentuating the fact that i am the person i want and need to be.

here are a few of those statements:

"your the one person i could always count on to be honest and straight forward with me, no matter what."

me "what are good friends for?" friend "when its you, they're good for everything!"

"i think its awesome you can just say anything about yourself or your past, no matter how bad, without hesitation, like it doesnt bother you anymore. its inspiring."

"how did someone so open minded like yourself come out of the army?"

" (you're) one of the only true friends."

"glad your happy. you definitely deserve someone thats amazing to you, the way you are to everyone else."

these statements and others, these people, are what keep me going to strong and focused.

to each of you, i sincerely and lovingly thank you. truly.

now, as far as THIS whole thing goes... its seeming more and more that my internet life is, well, dead. one side of me is struggling on that aspect of getting to know someone online before dating them, as even though they have fallen through in the past, seems to work out very well. its easy to keep things slow, but once the pace starts, that is hard to back down. one minute you could be thinking that you have all the time in the world to really pick into someone's thoughts, and the next, when the horses start galloping, you just NEED to know. im not a fan of dating people i meet at bars, in public period. in fact, i DONT do it. meeting through friends is about the only way ill date someone, as there is already a mutual point that knows some of both of you. but the internet.... you just spend so much time just TALKING to someone and getting to know some things about them. but the meeting. well, the meeting is where the sprinting begins.

things just pick up so fast its a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts, and it becomes increasingly difficult to maintain a grip on them, on reality. spend a week with this person you feel so comfortable with and everything changes. things arent the same when you go back to them. and it becomes this turn around point, where its time to start unraveling the fabric, where you need to make those tugs and pulls to get things started, but you dont. you dont want things to be this way. i, personally, love to watch someone talk to me. their body language says more than their words ever could. yet.... the separation DEMANDS you to just talk, and its just almost painful to do so. you find yourself wanting to talk all the time. and, for me, find yourself constantly worried. ive seen the worlds evil, and i know how quickly life can turn around. and even just stupid messages about retarded things help keep that calm. and texting about your surroundings, well, it almost helps place me next to you. but its difficult, to try to dive into someones mind. taking that leap is.... terrifying. i used to avoid it, because i knew it meant also leaping into my mind, which i feared for a long time. but now... well, im so much older already. so much wiser.

i like meeting people online, but lately its been a huge dead end. im not sure if its just the disbelief in finding something that is similar to what once made me giddy, or if its just me not really trying.... but somewhere inside of me.... im pulling toward completely leaving the internet living, and staying with it. so far, the blogs and what turns out to be nothing but journals to myself, are winning in this debate. i really am not a believer in regrets or wishing to go back in time, but if i could.... i would have talked more. i would have listened better. only now do i really see how amazing something online could develop into, and how its loss can hurt just as bad as any other.

ive spent enough of my life going out and getting drunk and trying to get laid. i have done enough random fornicating in my past, im over all that. theres nothing in it at all. i just want to meet someone who i can sit around and talk with. i just want to meet someone that can show me around to what they enjoy, and i can do the same. all awhile..... scratching and digging at the heart of what makes them tick. but more importantly, i do NOT want to fall in love so easily. that needs to go. its clouding affects have done its damage on my mind, and the losses have by far taken their tolls.

i need to get lost in another book. finished my psychology book, and re-read one of my raymond khoury novels. right now im at a stand still between losing myself in the humorous satires of chuck palahniuk (i only have one more of his to go, snuff) or immersing myself in another drama over religion and politics with raymond khoury's the last templar.

also, as part of this overdrawn process of centering myself.... im moving away from this household. im tired of feeling like im just here with no say, being watched over by my sister. im moving in with a friend much closer to school, will be saving largely on gas. i will feel much more comfortable, as this place will be half mine, and for anyone that i do meet and take home... there wont be that hanging cloud over her head which is my sister. i dont feel like i would want to meet some girl's family the first time i meet them, it would be uncomfortable. this place will have great calming affects, the back porch is ten feet away from a lake with ducks and fish and turtles. green grass, trees, and no highway only blocks away. small, but cozy. what i need.

therapy started. met a lot of people working through their traumatic experiences. got a lot of nice statements, about how ive managed to cope with these events themselves. so far, its looking as though my nightmares will never stop. well.... they did go on a hiatus for a week once. but other than that, theres no ridding myself of them. and after a personal "interview" as i call them, my therapist told me that though the way i faced them was great in getting over them, they feel ive darkened too much. that im borderline sociopath, as i cannot seem to understand how anyone can go on NOT facing these things. its true, i really cant. i know everyone copes differently, i guess i just felt the only to get over pain is to confront it. i feel as though it works. this demon, as i explained to her, is the sociopath. its not me, its him. im learning to control him, but i want to be rid of him. to this she simply replied.....

"the demon is you, and it isnt you. your quick to attack, and quick to take your words back. you cannot try to control it until you come to accept that you are it. only then will you be rid of any demons, and just be who you once loved being."

.................................... i just wish i had someone to share this with. someone who could sit with me and.... listen, without judgment, and chime in when they have a thought. thats what i need. i need an enemy i care about. kharma, my friends, its extremely funny. and if you dont think it doesnt come back to bite you in the ass, then it just hasnt happened yet.

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
- Frank Crane

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
- T.S. Elliot

EDIT:

almost forgot pictures



yup, mohawk is not going to survive for long, gotta enjoy it


dude next to me trying to sleep in class


still get snugs sometimes



this will be my new back porch