i already had a blog covering the positive reinforcement i have been receiving over the past while, but last night a conversation started that has had me thinking a bit all day. i need to speak of it, if only for the calming conclusion of the discussion to be shared.
last night was a night out i hadnt done in awhile. me and a fun girl went to see ironman 2, and she lives in northern houston, about 45 minute drive away, and the drive up there was forever long packed with metal rantings of such names as a dozen furies, parkway drive, shadows fall, and others. topped off near the end, to alleviate my hyperness, with tool. the movie was great. had a small sub plot about tony's bad relationship with his father, which is where this story begins.
after the movie, it was equally, and fairly easily decided that she come back home with me, and i take her home on my way to school. (can ya fuckin blame me, its been a few months) so, the long drive home began with chit chat about the movie, and then out came statements i just.... said.
about my upbringing and the things that i once considered "joys" of my childhood.
and..... she.... understood. more so, she shared similar with her past. in much the same way i just open up about mine, she did about hers. we found ourselves driving all over the place, killing time before the journey, and conversation, ended. and it brought about something to me.
i feel this need to be with people who have had... problems in their past. i need them. i need people to be able to understand me when i talk about them, to understand what i went through. but its hard, because i dealt with it in what my therapist calls.... "an uncommon manner" and "incredibly, but only temporarily, damaging." basically that trait where i attack it head on. this makes it hard for people to actually understand what it is i have been through because many people dont deal with it this way, and it seems like its something thats just not much to me. but i NEED these people that can understand me.
i think whenever i see this conflict in people i kind of attach myself to it. like as if thats all im searching for, and when i do, i used to just assume that people would understand. but over time, i have been proven wrong on that theory. and many people wouldnt understand how i felt. or how i coped. or how i can just be so blunt about these things now.
but she did..... and its like.............
-exhale-
i must not get this close..... yet..... fuck i hope i know what im doing
EDIT:
morning time. ive finally reached a point where i am forced to accept that my dreams wont EVER stop. next step: teaching myself to NOT wake up terrified. this is going to be difficult.
last night was a night out i hadnt done in awhile. me and a fun girl went to see ironman 2, and she lives in northern houston, about 45 minute drive away, and the drive up there was forever long packed with metal rantings of such names as a dozen furies, parkway drive, shadows fall, and others. topped off near the end, to alleviate my hyperness, with tool. the movie was great. had a small sub plot about tony's bad relationship with his father, which is where this story begins.
after the movie, it was equally, and fairly easily decided that she come back home with me, and i take her home on my way to school. (can ya fuckin blame me, its been a few months) so, the long drive home began with chit chat about the movie, and then out came statements i just.... said.
about my upbringing and the things that i once considered "joys" of my childhood.
and..... she.... understood. more so, she shared similar with her past. in much the same way i just open up about mine, she did about hers. we found ourselves driving all over the place, killing time before the journey, and conversation, ended. and it brought about something to me.
i feel this need to be with people who have had... problems in their past. i need them. i need people to be able to understand me when i talk about them, to understand what i went through. but its hard, because i dealt with it in what my therapist calls.... "an uncommon manner" and "incredibly, but only temporarily, damaging." basically that trait where i attack it head on. this makes it hard for people to actually understand what it is i have been through because many people dont deal with it this way, and it seems like its something thats just not much to me. but i NEED these people that can understand me.
i think whenever i see this conflict in people i kind of attach myself to it. like as if thats all im searching for, and when i do, i used to just assume that people would understand. but over time, i have been proven wrong on that theory. and many people wouldnt understand how i felt. or how i coped. or how i can just be so blunt about these things now.
but she did..... and its like.............
-exhale-
i must not get this close..... yet..... fuck i hope i know what im doing
EDIT:
morning time. ive finally reached a point where i am forced to accept that my dreams wont EVER stop. next step: teaching myself to NOT wake up terrified. this is going to be difficult.