intro..... my apologies cannot be checked in, they are voided.
story... "a man in prison breaks down. in tears, he cries out to God. "God, i am so sorry for what i have done. i have been an evil man, and i cannot bear what i see in the mirror. i do not know where to turn, but i never want to be that man again. please God, show me how to not be that man. i will follow your word where ever i go." and he hears God's voice at that very minute. "My son, i understand you. i accept you. i forgive you. follow my word, my son, for i forgive you of you past."
the man gets out of prison on good conduct, and follows the word of God every where. upon the man's death, he approaches the gate of heaven only to see God standing there, arms folded together in a strong, terrifying stance. He says "im sorry my child, but you lived an evil past. i cannot let you into heaven." and the man falls to his knees and breaks into tears. he cries "but God, you told me you forgive me. i followed your word and did what you said, and you forgave me!"
and God, without so much as a flinch in his demeanor, states "i dont think you understand what forgiveness means."
"maybe you'll find out, maybe you'll break. maybe you'll end up just the way you are today."
first off.... my thoughts of myself today.... this demon, i really need to find him a name. for now, it'll just be Him. anywhos, He may be of pure evil, He may be total hatred, but He is also pure instinct. i know i cannot allow Him to ever be unleashed again, but i must also come to terms, and pair with Him. no schism is possible, He is part of who i am.
today has proven itself to be interesting. a definite challange for me to simultaneously use the my intellect and instinct. today had a lesson... this merger with Him is necessary for me. He is all the things i have become in my military times. He has saved my life, He has saved other lives, He must be commended for His reflexs. He could prove to be a valuable assest for me in the future.
so now, i spread my wings of indenpendence, and fly freely as a happily single man. i have finally reached that point i have been so longing for. true, relationships with someone special are amazing, but sometimes, especially when one ends, you need that time alone to look back and analyze what had happened. im not one to move my confused and damaged, explosed and aching heart to another for mending. i believe that one must take themselves back, alone, and fight their way through the events that had led to the present, through both perspectives. only then, when you find the wrong both you and the other have done, can you move on. rushing into a relationship with such a vulnerable heart ultimately leads to some sort of pain, this i know from experience.
i had a conversation with a best friend of mine today about being friends with ex's. she is, actually, an ex of mine from awhile ago. of course our talks were also about her current relationship and i did what i could to comfort, but thats somethien else that needs not be spoken of. at least its nothing serious. anyways, she agreed with me on my stance on this. an ex is someone who knows things about you many others dont. they can be there for you in situations, and, as she has done for me and i continue to do for her, help you through tough times. they can be one hell of an allie. during my recent relationship problems, shes the one that helped me to get my apology together. but things did not turn out the way i had imagined...
as it turns out, things that He has said in the past turned out to be true, just not to the extent He put them in. im seeing some ignorance now. im seeing a child thats terrified of being wrong. im seeing someone that isnt allowing themselves to grow and mature with the world. someone who hides their insecurities with intelligence. and i know i could be completey wrong, but she is not allowing me a conversation to try to understand what her mindset was during the fight, which only allows me to speculate. and im trying, i really am, to try to fugure out the logics. and these are all i can come up with. i am seeking closure, and the apologies i have previously spoke of, and im getting nothing. shes being selfish, only talked to me when i apologized, but not when i asked to be friends, and not when i asked for closure. and shes not even trying to understand. i think the lateralus album could really help her with her future. sorry, guess that wasnt needed.
i am therefore retracting my formal apology i have made to her. i do not feel she is deserving of it. i am also completely ignoring her forgiveness, though through her reasoning of not being friends she showed me that she did not actually forgive me, probably just confused it with understanding me. granted, the irrational anger He has put forth was extreme, and this seems like a time where i wouldve, in the past, just unleashed Him. i really am gaining a control over this all. now ironically, she is showing me similar irrationality, which is completely strange coming from someone so rational and logical as she.
i know i will NEVER get an apology from her, shes being to conceded, thinking shes the only victim of the circumstance, to see the error of her ways. and i feel it would be a complete waste of my life to try to explain it to her. in the time i could be telling her, i could be doing such better things like.... staring at the paint. i almost hope she gets as crushed as she did to me. almost. but that is the kind of pain i dont think people should go through. i could make it worse, i could release Him, i could use the excuse "you owe me tears," but really... it would just be me venting. so ill find another way to do that. some constructive way.
evil is the one who break your heart twice.... and never tells you why....
guess i was nothing but another stepping stone in the pond.
moving on......
it seems i may find myself, FINALLY, as the singer in a constructing band! still drummer searching, but what we have so far seems like a good lineup, and the end result could be ultimately interesting. until then, im still not entirely sure if the style im searching for will fit, and i have told them this. so if it doesnt work out, i can retreat with no band fighting.
ps.... today i guess i felt the need to remind myself why i stopped drinking red bull. and i succeeded. by 5 tonight, i was ready to crash. my body wanted to collapse and my mind said "fuck this" and went to sleep lol. no more energy drinks... but this current class is soooooo drawn out and boring. ugh.... i cant wait to be under a car again.
story... "a man in prison breaks down. in tears, he cries out to God. "God, i am so sorry for what i have done. i have been an evil man, and i cannot bear what i see in the mirror. i do not know where to turn, but i never want to be that man again. please God, show me how to not be that man. i will follow your word where ever i go." and he hears God's voice at that very minute. "My son, i understand you. i accept you. i forgive you. follow my word, my son, for i forgive you of you past."
the man gets out of prison on good conduct, and follows the word of God every where. upon the man's death, he approaches the gate of heaven only to see God standing there, arms folded together in a strong, terrifying stance. He says "im sorry my child, but you lived an evil past. i cannot let you into heaven." and the man falls to his knees and breaks into tears. he cries "but God, you told me you forgive me. i followed your word and did what you said, and you forgave me!"
and God, without so much as a flinch in his demeanor, states "i dont think you understand what forgiveness means."
"maybe you'll find out, maybe you'll break. maybe you'll end up just the way you are today."
first off.... my thoughts of myself today.... this demon, i really need to find him a name. for now, it'll just be Him. anywhos, He may be of pure evil, He may be total hatred, but He is also pure instinct. i know i cannot allow Him to ever be unleashed again, but i must also come to terms, and pair with Him. no schism is possible, He is part of who i am.
today has proven itself to be interesting. a definite challange for me to simultaneously use the my intellect and instinct. today had a lesson... this merger with Him is necessary for me. He is all the things i have become in my military times. He has saved my life, He has saved other lives, He must be commended for His reflexs. He could prove to be a valuable assest for me in the future.
so now, i spread my wings of indenpendence, and fly freely as a happily single man. i have finally reached that point i have been so longing for. true, relationships with someone special are amazing, but sometimes, especially when one ends, you need that time alone to look back and analyze what had happened. im not one to move my confused and damaged, explosed and aching heart to another for mending. i believe that one must take themselves back, alone, and fight their way through the events that had led to the present, through both perspectives. only then, when you find the wrong both you and the other have done, can you move on. rushing into a relationship with such a vulnerable heart ultimately leads to some sort of pain, this i know from experience.
i had a conversation with a best friend of mine today about being friends with ex's. she is, actually, an ex of mine from awhile ago. of course our talks were also about her current relationship and i did what i could to comfort, but thats somethien else that needs not be spoken of. at least its nothing serious. anyways, she agreed with me on my stance on this. an ex is someone who knows things about you many others dont. they can be there for you in situations, and, as she has done for me and i continue to do for her, help you through tough times. they can be one hell of an allie. during my recent relationship problems, shes the one that helped me to get my apology together. but things did not turn out the way i had imagined...
as it turns out, things that He has said in the past turned out to be true, just not to the extent He put them in. im seeing some ignorance now. im seeing a child thats terrified of being wrong. im seeing someone that isnt allowing themselves to grow and mature with the world. someone who hides their insecurities with intelligence. and i know i could be completey wrong, but she is not allowing me a conversation to try to understand what her mindset was during the fight, which only allows me to speculate. and im trying, i really am, to try to fugure out the logics. and these are all i can come up with. i am seeking closure, and the apologies i have previously spoke of, and im getting nothing. shes being selfish, only talked to me when i apologized, but not when i asked to be friends, and not when i asked for closure. and shes not even trying to understand. i think the lateralus album could really help her with her future. sorry, guess that wasnt needed.
i am therefore retracting my formal apology i have made to her. i do not feel she is deserving of it. i am also completely ignoring her forgiveness, though through her reasoning of not being friends she showed me that she did not actually forgive me, probably just confused it with understanding me. granted, the irrational anger He has put forth was extreme, and this seems like a time where i wouldve, in the past, just unleashed Him. i really am gaining a control over this all. now ironically, she is showing me similar irrationality, which is completely strange coming from someone so rational and logical as she.
i know i will NEVER get an apology from her, shes being to conceded, thinking shes the only victim of the circumstance, to see the error of her ways. and i feel it would be a complete waste of my life to try to explain it to her. in the time i could be telling her, i could be doing such better things like.... staring at the paint. i almost hope she gets as crushed as she did to me. almost. but that is the kind of pain i dont think people should go through. i could make it worse, i could release Him, i could use the excuse "you owe me tears," but really... it would just be me venting. so ill find another way to do that. some constructive way.
evil is the one who break your heart twice.... and never tells you why....
guess i was nothing but another stepping stone in the pond.
moving on......
it seems i may find myself, FINALLY, as the singer in a constructing band! still drummer searching, but what we have so far seems like a good lineup, and the end result could be ultimately interesting. until then, im still not entirely sure if the style im searching for will fit, and i have told them this. so if it doesnt work out, i can retreat with no band fighting.
ps.... today i guess i felt the need to remind myself why i stopped drinking red bull. and i succeeded. by 5 tonight, i was ready to crash. my body wanted to collapse and my mind said "fuck this" and went to sleep lol. no more energy drinks... but this current class is soooooo drawn out and boring. ugh.... i cant wait to be under a car again.