today, i can accredit my current mind set to my subconscious, as i have allowed it to absorb everything over the past week free of any bias from emotion or thought. i spent the day in a way that is very unfamiliar to me. aside from cleaning my garage, everything else was far from my usual. after the garage was clean, i sat in it for 5 hours, doing absolutely nothing. i reached into my mind and found my nothing box, opened it, and thats it. there was, thankfully, no interference. there were no emails to check, no texts messages to reply to. no movies were playing and there was no levels on my video games to get through. my current read sat itself nicely closed on my counter, and i sat nicely empty in a chair, watching the sun to stretch itself into my garage. allowing my mind to do whatever it wants, behind closed curtains.
by the days end, i closed and stored away my nothing box, and smoked a cigarette while my mind gave me a summary of what it has thoroughly reviewed.
through my week's adventures toward furthering myself, and the emotionally charged nights followed by clear thinking, i believe i am finally ready. my regressions throughout said week have brought me face to face with what it is i fear most. my monster. yes, i may have recently released it, but i have never faced it, just fed and poked it with a stick while it sat angrily in its imprisoning cage, hungry and waiting for me to get overwhelmed enough to release it.
my advancements through myself has begun to surface itself visibly in my day to day living, predominantly in my new found ability to to simultaneously think and feel, allowing me the ability to adequately and logically attach words to my emotions.
this has granted me yet another gift i seemed to be so... mechanical... without. through these words, me being able to actually share my feelings verbally, i am now confident that i can, in fact, open myself up to people, to the world. though it may seem like just another everyday occurrence to some, to me, i had no clue how or even if i could perform this seemingly simple task. its, to me, a very exhilarating revelation. i now feel prepared to step out into the light of this world, a person anew, reborn and open minded, and stand firm declaring "this is me."
like the phoenix, i have arisen from the ashes of myself to reveal what can spread its wings further and more beautifully. and its time to showcase myself and allow me to develop myself and my place in this world. my footprint now will be larger, more identifiable as mine.
in the interest of self preservation, i will be taking steps slowly, still cautiously, little by little, like a new pet inching their way closer to the hand that feeds them. im starting myself, first with things i know, and sharing things with people who ought to. ill be stepping from there to, hopefully this week, outing myself to others, being cautious of who to choose at first. if fate follows me, by next week's end i will be standing among a crowd of people with a sense of self confidence, being more than excited in myself and my surroundings. after that, the world. in that sense, i mean to say open myself to the world as in start to pay attention, think about what's happening, and formulate my own opinion and my own bias. etch myself into it where i feel comfortable.
first i must prove to myself that i am what i believe i am now. then, i must show myself that it is safe to be me in the outside world. next, i will reach the point of comfort with it. then, and only then, will i be able to say that i know who and what i am, and that i am truly happy with it. though i can say that i believe i know who and what i am now, my logical and investigative side will force me to prove it, and prove it i shall.
though my depressions are still evident in my current frame of mind, these are wounds that time can heal. nothing when compared to the ones that all the therapy cannot release me from. over the course of the next few months, i will be training on how to cope with the evils of my past. with the help of specialized therapists and group meets of others who have the same demons on their shoulders, i will cast these evils aside from me, where i can stand and acknowledge yet not be controlled by it.
when i got the tattoo of the angel and demon fighting on my arm, my artist asked me in a just-to-spark-a-conversation manner what they meant to me. my answer then still stands today, it represents the internal struggle of good vs. evil that goes on within everybody's mind. then he asked me another question. "which side is winning for you?" i had no idea how to answer it back then. now, not only can i address that question, but i can also recognize the severity of the ink's representation in my life, which was only cloudy to me at first. the few ideas that fluttered through my mind before i still carry on, only now with a renowned sense of understanding it them. i am starting to fulfill these beliefs, finally, after living in hypocrisy for so long.
i adjust my sunglasses, take in a deep breath, and with a sense of direction and place, step out into the light of this world. i glance around, inhale slowly, then, with ferocity of a lion defending his territory, i shout... "THIS IS ME"
by the days end, i closed and stored away my nothing box, and smoked a cigarette while my mind gave me a summary of what it has thoroughly reviewed.
through my week's adventures toward furthering myself, and the emotionally charged nights followed by clear thinking, i believe i am finally ready. my regressions throughout said week have brought me face to face with what it is i fear most. my monster. yes, i may have recently released it, but i have never faced it, just fed and poked it with a stick while it sat angrily in its imprisoning cage, hungry and waiting for me to get overwhelmed enough to release it.
my advancements through myself has begun to surface itself visibly in my day to day living, predominantly in my new found ability to to simultaneously think and feel, allowing me the ability to adequately and logically attach words to my emotions.
this has granted me yet another gift i seemed to be so... mechanical... without. through these words, me being able to actually share my feelings verbally, i am now confident that i can, in fact, open myself up to people, to the world. though it may seem like just another everyday occurrence to some, to me, i had no clue how or even if i could perform this seemingly simple task. its, to me, a very exhilarating revelation. i now feel prepared to step out into the light of this world, a person anew, reborn and open minded, and stand firm declaring "this is me."
like the phoenix, i have arisen from the ashes of myself to reveal what can spread its wings further and more beautifully. and its time to showcase myself and allow me to develop myself and my place in this world. my footprint now will be larger, more identifiable as mine.
in the interest of self preservation, i will be taking steps slowly, still cautiously, little by little, like a new pet inching their way closer to the hand that feeds them. im starting myself, first with things i know, and sharing things with people who ought to. ill be stepping from there to, hopefully this week, outing myself to others, being cautious of who to choose at first. if fate follows me, by next week's end i will be standing among a crowd of people with a sense of self confidence, being more than excited in myself and my surroundings. after that, the world. in that sense, i mean to say open myself to the world as in start to pay attention, think about what's happening, and formulate my own opinion and my own bias. etch myself into it where i feel comfortable.
first i must prove to myself that i am what i believe i am now. then, i must show myself that it is safe to be me in the outside world. next, i will reach the point of comfort with it. then, and only then, will i be able to say that i know who and what i am, and that i am truly happy with it. though i can say that i believe i know who and what i am now, my logical and investigative side will force me to prove it, and prove it i shall.
though my depressions are still evident in my current frame of mind, these are wounds that time can heal. nothing when compared to the ones that all the therapy cannot release me from. over the course of the next few months, i will be training on how to cope with the evils of my past. with the help of specialized therapists and group meets of others who have the same demons on their shoulders, i will cast these evils aside from me, where i can stand and acknowledge yet not be controlled by it.
when i got the tattoo of the angel and demon fighting on my arm, my artist asked me in a just-to-spark-a-conversation manner what they meant to me. my answer then still stands today, it represents the internal struggle of good vs. evil that goes on within everybody's mind. then he asked me another question. "which side is winning for you?" i had no idea how to answer it back then. now, not only can i address that question, but i can also recognize the severity of the ink's representation in my life, which was only cloudy to me at first. the few ideas that fluttered through my mind before i still carry on, only now with a renowned sense of understanding it them. i am starting to fulfill these beliefs, finally, after living in hypocrisy for so long.
i adjust my sunglasses, take in a deep breath, and with a sense of direction and place, step out into the light of this world. i glance around, inhale slowly, then, with ferocity of a lion defending his territory, i shout... "THIS IS ME"