well, internet STILL down, and hacking isnt the fasted thing ive used, but i got the pictures ready... well some of them:
the thunderstorm... was awesome
got me a nice little pond going on
this was just awesome... took a few tries though
end of the storm... see the individual rain drops?
yup, me in somebody else's fur hoodie... licking chris!
everyone was drinking, but i made a new friend!
and yet another new friend....
....or maybe not
meet rage.... he likes greens
no pictures while moving apparently!
hanging out, cooking, couple beers, play with the dogs AND....
... tear down, clean, and reassemble firearms... why was this so comforting to me?
his spot damnit!
part min pin, part poodle... all psycho... got funny vid ill upload hopefully soon of roxy
well yesterday was a decent day, mainly due to being back in school. some place i enjoy. well, most of the time... recently, with my all paper work class, been getting bored easily. then there was the driving, should i say, racing afterwards. 02 mustang and 05 accord. destroyed both. had a massive 110 mph tail slide when some lincoln cut me off and i had to make a rapid lane change through a turn. was pretty exhilarating.
today... what a day. wrote this to think aloud.
what a fucking morning already. i tried to call the gi bill debt hotline to try to fix the extreme amount of money they are taking. but that number works... MAYBE one in a hundred times. got me a bit angry. but i think that was normal anger. nothing too crazy, no weird rage. i mean, they are taking more money from me than i agreed to for the stupid debt they nailed me for. so... i went outside and washed my car for calming efforts. worked decently.
but for some reason, when i was done i started to have an anxiety attack. no clue where it was coming from, but it was getting pretty bad. worse than the last. but it was already eleven and i had no time to go for a run, which is what i do to relieve myself, before i had to leave for school. instead, i tried to call the VA and find out if i can make an appointment yet. turns out, im not even in the system. as i was told over the phone, its supposed to take a couple weeks to process the paperwork.... genius, considering this is for medical and mental health treatment..... just made my anxiety worse.
how am i supposed to wait this long? im not sure if i even can. i think im just going to show up tomorrow, see what happens. for some reason... i wrote down the suicide prevention hotline number.
i keep looking up suicide intervention shit when i get the chance. im not entirely sure why. i dont think im suicidal. just... want to be safe and sure, ya know? ive also been looking up PTSD and other problems' syndromes. taking VA online mental health evaluation things, and sadly, most of the questions got a big fat fucking yes. really brought things into perspective for me. drink more than i know i should? yes. experience nightmares of military experiences? yes. social avoidance to prevent reliving experiences? yes. feeling of emptiness or loss? yes. uncontrollable or irrational rage? yes. yes to all. solution.... seek professional help. thats already a yes for me. i am, have been, seeking help.
side note: parked and waiting for class to begin, white subaru wrx sti drives by, and backfires right in front of me. reflexes take over, i duck, scan the area quickly, make sure im still where i thought i was. heart rate and awareness increases, senses become enhanced for a brief moment. im still reacting. still programed. i hear this is something ill never get over. fuck.
i feel slightly comfortable in class now. my current instructor is a vietnam vet, four other classmates are OIF vets. mr adams shares some funn military stories now and again to keep the class awake. he speaks military phrases constantly. its calming. here, im a bit more relaxed, surrounded by what i know. probably not only because i can focus on classwork, but i can also tell funny stories i have. the ones that arent terrifying. bring myself back to being like a soldier. mr adams is my platoon sargeant, kids in class who ask for my help are my soldiers. my squad. they seek my assistance, and i provide. this.... i dont know if this is good or bad for me. either its helping my transition or its delaying it.
im paying more and more attention to my surroundings, but trying to use different eyes to see them. the same things can look very different depending on what eyes you are looking through. im tired of using my soldier eyes. i look a crowd. i see danger, i watch everybody's hands and movements. i see threats. most people my age see.... people. they see funny haircuts or watches. i look at dinner. i see refueling. necessary items to continue to physically function. i see one of two things. good taste or bad. my family.... they see al dente noodles, vodka sauce, cooked sausage. they see delicious taste, satisfaction. i look at myself. i see confusion. i see anger, anxiety, frustration. i see a guilt, depression, weakness. i see a child, a blur, a monster. my dog.... she sees perfection. her master, her world. the one who loves her when she needs it. i have grown old with my soldier eyes.
i want child eyes. i want to see innocence a feel pain only when it is there to be felt. i want explorers eyes. i want to see wonder, and feel like everything is an adventure. i want animal eyes. i want to see my natural surroundings in all aspects. i want to feel threatened only when a real threat presents itself. i want my old eyes. i want to be able to see into the world when i so desire. i want to feel beauty when im around it.
i grow sick of these soldier eyes. these standard issues. i want to return them. i want my old ones back. there was life in those eyes. there was warmth. these eyes, these combat lenses, they are cold. they are opaque. i cannot see with these eyes.
lunch time.
so, lets look at this shit one by one. these so called PTSD syndromes:
alcoholism. well, upon my return from iraq, needless to say, all drinking was out of control. i cannot count the amount of times i drank myself into a black out. how many times i got into my car and spent 5 minutes finding the key hole. then driving home. entirely way too fucking much. it slowed down as work picked up, but not as the savings account dropped. i actually had part of my budget for drinking. get this shit:
every friday and saturday. fridays were about 60 dollars. it was dollar beer night at one of the local clubs. shots of liquid cocain (yager, 151, goldschlager) were about 5 bucks. about 6 of those and a dozen or so beers. 4 hours. very drunk. drive home. sometimes i would remember that drive. other times i would go outside and check my car for damage in the morning. i was lucky, never had a problem. saturdays were easy. around 40 dollars. two cases of beer. sometimes if i had money left over form friday, which i usually did, it would be one case of beer, bottle of yager, 4 pack of red bull. 4 red bulls would last 12 yager bombs exactly. id take one case of beer out to the apartment pool in the afternoon. usually there were a good number of poeple there. we would all drink and play water volleyball. have a cook out sometimes. drinking in the pool while moving around... got you drunk faster. about half that case and id be feeling pretty good. then when it would get dark, i would head to the house. now either me and the roomies would just drink the rest of the night, but usually ended up hosting a party. anyone who walks through the door needs to bring alcohol and chips. thats my rule. so there would be about a dozen people or so. around 10 cases of beer, bottles of yager, grey goose, 151, jack.... on special occasions id get myself some jameson scotch. most of the time we would play beer pong. one game of beer pong requires 4 beers. usually about half the beer went to that. about 25 games or so. rarely was there anything left the next morning. whatever would be left, we would have finished by sunday evening. some nights i blacked out. some nights there would be a fight. one night, i got drugged.... and raped. sadly, that didnt stop me from drinking one bit. work the week, repeat weekend. now, well.... ii had a drinking budget. same really, 100 dollars, but only one night. fridays im in class till 9pm, so i stay in then. i should not be doing this. i can barely afford to survive like this. but i do.
nightmares. wouldnt really call them nightmares anymore. i have developed this kind of... block, where nightmares are just blank. ill know if i have one, ill be sweating when i wake up. not, i rarely dream. maybe once a week, but mostly nothing. when i did have nightmares, i could feel them. i could see them, i could smell them. but i could never hear them. i would see ground pops from small arms fire, but couldnt hear any gunshots or bullets whiz. deafening ambiance. first, there was no sound. then, there was downright nothing...
most recently.... an actual regular dream... to start. it was about being back over there. back with those people i have grown close to through violence. through tragedy. i was driving in a convoy, towards the back. probably the very back. i was listening to music and joking. then i started talking about something serious. the music went off. i looked to my right, and my ex was there. we were having a disagreement that was escalating. getting out of control. then suddenly.... there was no sound.... there was nothing but dirt and dust, the familiar smell of burnt metal, the congestion of thick smoke. and i was alone. just then.... i was in my bed, staring at my ceiling. in back in my room, im awake for real now.... go outside, smoke, back to bed. lay there for a little while before finally shutting my eyes. havent had a dream since.
social avoidance. i actually didnt even realize i had this. in fact, ive recently made a retarded statement about somebody about them having it.... anyways. i really do avoid certain situations where i know there will be something to trigger a reflex reaction out of me, to spark another memory. i dont want to go to sports events anymore, the last one had a huge bang. i have not celebrated the 4th of july in years. last time i tried.... one firework and i found myself in my house all night, music blasting and beer in the hand. aside from movies, anything that will have a bang in it... i avoid. big concerts, like huge theater shows, wont go.... just the little bars kind of shows, no pyrotechnics, please.
empty feelings.... i dont think i really need to explain how i am on that.
uncontrollable or irrational rage. yes to both. prime example.... the monster i was towards my ex. that cold lifeless object. that... dark. my dark passenger.....
whatever.... i need help
EDIT:
cant sleep.
im really not even sure why i write these things anymore. no one is really paying attention to them.
either way, gives me the freedom to say whatever i want to.
had a bad fit tonight. started going through old pictures and emails. got really depressed. i know that things in the past.... things i have said.... well, theres no apology adequate enough for it. theres nothing i could do that could make up for the things i have done. this is what causes me the most pain. this is where my depression comes from. i can deal with not being with someone, but not because some monster living inside of me decimated what was once strong. not because i have destroyed the best thing i ever had in my life. these are my depressions. if i could go back, i wouldnt go back to the week we were physically together, i would go back to when the first sign of trouble came. and i would fix it. i would fix me. i would put myself now into what i was then.
ive betrayed friends, ive lied to my family. i went to war for the wrong reasons and it killed me. i have pushed people away and used them. i have made retarded financial decisions that echo to this day. and i always told myself that i will have to live with these mistakes... and i do. but these.... these events that have occurred recently.... these are my regrets. these.... much harder to live with.
"even though its gonna fall apart, break my heart. ill keep building till i die."
the thunderstorm... was awesome
got me a nice little pond going on
this was just awesome... took a few tries though
end of the storm... see the individual rain drops?
yup, me in somebody else's fur hoodie... licking chris!
everyone was drinking, but i made a new friend!
and yet another new friend....
....or maybe not
meet rage.... he likes greens
no pictures while moving apparently!
hanging out, cooking, couple beers, play with the dogs AND....
... tear down, clean, and reassemble firearms... why was this so comforting to me?
his spot damnit!
part min pin, part poodle... all psycho... got funny vid ill upload hopefully soon of roxy
well yesterday was a decent day, mainly due to being back in school. some place i enjoy. well, most of the time... recently, with my all paper work class, been getting bored easily. then there was the driving, should i say, racing afterwards. 02 mustang and 05 accord. destroyed both. had a massive 110 mph tail slide when some lincoln cut me off and i had to make a rapid lane change through a turn. was pretty exhilarating.
today... what a day. wrote this to think aloud.
what a fucking morning already. i tried to call the gi bill debt hotline to try to fix the extreme amount of money they are taking. but that number works... MAYBE one in a hundred times. got me a bit angry. but i think that was normal anger. nothing too crazy, no weird rage. i mean, they are taking more money from me than i agreed to for the stupid debt they nailed me for. so... i went outside and washed my car for calming efforts. worked decently.
but for some reason, when i was done i started to have an anxiety attack. no clue where it was coming from, but it was getting pretty bad. worse than the last. but it was already eleven and i had no time to go for a run, which is what i do to relieve myself, before i had to leave for school. instead, i tried to call the VA and find out if i can make an appointment yet. turns out, im not even in the system. as i was told over the phone, its supposed to take a couple weeks to process the paperwork.... genius, considering this is for medical and mental health treatment..... just made my anxiety worse.
how am i supposed to wait this long? im not sure if i even can. i think im just going to show up tomorrow, see what happens. for some reason... i wrote down the suicide prevention hotline number.
i keep looking up suicide intervention shit when i get the chance. im not entirely sure why. i dont think im suicidal. just... want to be safe and sure, ya know? ive also been looking up PTSD and other problems' syndromes. taking VA online mental health evaluation things, and sadly, most of the questions got a big fat fucking yes. really brought things into perspective for me. drink more than i know i should? yes. experience nightmares of military experiences? yes. social avoidance to prevent reliving experiences? yes. feeling of emptiness or loss? yes. uncontrollable or irrational rage? yes. yes to all. solution.... seek professional help. thats already a yes for me. i am, have been, seeking help.
side note: parked and waiting for class to begin, white subaru wrx sti drives by, and backfires right in front of me. reflexes take over, i duck, scan the area quickly, make sure im still where i thought i was. heart rate and awareness increases, senses become enhanced for a brief moment. im still reacting. still programed. i hear this is something ill never get over. fuck.
i feel slightly comfortable in class now. my current instructor is a vietnam vet, four other classmates are OIF vets. mr adams shares some funn military stories now and again to keep the class awake. he speaks military phrases constantly. its calming. here, im a bit more relaxed, surrounded by what i know. probably not only because i can focus on classwork, but i can also tell funny stories i have. the ones that arent terrifying. bring myself back to being like a soldier. mr adams is my platoon sargeant, kids in class who ask for my help are my soldiers. my squad. they seek my assistance, and i provide. this.... i dont know if this is good or bad for me. either its helping my transition or its delaying it.
im paying more and more attention to my surroundings, but trying to use different eyes to see them. the same things can look very different depending on what eyes you are looking through. im tired of using my soldier eyes. i look a crowd. i see danger, i watch everybody's hands and movements. i see threats. most people my age see.... people. they see funny haircuts or watches. i look at dinner. i see refueling. necessary items to continue to physically function. i see one of two things. good taste or bad. my family.... they see al dente noodles, vodka sauce, cooked sausage. they see delicious taste, satisfaction. i look at myself. i see confusion. i see anger, anxiety, frustration. i see a guilt, depression, weakness. i see a child, a blur, a monster. my dog.... she sees perfection. her master, her world. the one who loves her when she needs it. i have grown old with my soldier eyes.
i want child eyes. i want to see innocence a feel pain only when it is there to be felt. i want explorers eyes. i want to see wonder, and feel like everything is an adventure. i want animal eyes. i want to see my natural surroundings in all aspects. i want to feel threatened only when a real threat presents itself. i want my old eyes. i want to be able to see into the world when i so desire. i want to feel beauty when im around it.
i grow sick of these soldier eyes. these standard issues. i want to return them. i want my old ones back. there was life in those eyes. there was warmth. these eyes, these combat lenses, they are cold. they are opaque. i cannot see with these eyes.
lunch time.
so, lets look at this shit one by one. these so called PTSD syndromes:
alcoholism. well, upon my return from iraq, needless to say, all drinking was out of control. i cannot count the amount of times i drank myself into a black out. how many times i got into my car and spent 5 minutes finding the key hole. then driving home. entirely way too fucking much. it slowed down as work picked up, but not as the savings account dropped. i actually had part of my budget for drinking. get this shit:
every friday and saturday. fridays were about 60 dollars. it was dollar beer night at one of the local clubs. shots of liquid cocain (yager, 151, goldschlager) were about 5 bucks. about 6 of those and a dozen or so beers. 4 hours. very drunk. drive home. sometimes i would remember that drive. other times i would go outside and check my car for damage in the morning. i was lucky, never had a problem. saturdays were easy. around 40 dollars. two cases of beer. sometimes if i had money left over form friday, which i usually did, it would be one case of beer, bottle of yager, 4 pack of red bull. 4 red bulls would last 12 yager bombs exactly. id take one case of beer out to the apartment pool in the afternoon. usually there were a good number of poeple there. we would all drink and play water volleyball. have a cook out sometimes. drinking in the pool while moving around... got you drunk faster. about half that case and id be feeling pretty good. then when it would get dark, i would head to the house. now either me and the roomies would just drink the rest of the night, but usually ended up hosting a party. anyone who walks through the door needs to bring alcohol and chips. thats my rule. so there would be about a dozen people or so. around 10 cases of beer, bottles of yager, grey goose, 151, jack.... on special occasions id get myself some jameson scotch. most of the time we would play beer pong. one game of beer pong requires 4 beers. usually about half the beer went to that. about 25 games or so. rarely was there anything left the next morning. whatever would be left, we would have finished by sunday evening. some nights i blacked out. some nights there would be a fight. one night, i got drugged.... and raped. sadly, that didnt stop me from drinking one bit. work the week, repeat weekend. now, well.... ii had a drinking budget. same really, 100 dollars, but only one night. fridays im in class till 9pm, so i stay in then. i should not be doing this. i can barely afford to survive like this. but i do.
nightmares. wouldnt really call them nightmares anymore. i have developed this kind of... block, where nightmares are just blank. ill know if i have one, ill be sweating when i wake up. not, i rarely dream. maybe once a week, but mostly nothing. when i did have nightmares, i could feel them. i could see them, i could smell them. but i could never hear them. i would see ground pops from small arms fire, but couldnt hear any gunshots or bullets whiz. deafening ambiance. first, there was no sound. then, there was downright nothing...
most recently.... an actual regular dream... to start. it was about being back over there. back with those people i have grown close to through violence. through tragedy. i was driving in a convoy, towards the back. probably the very back. i was listening to music and joking. then i started talking about something serious. the music went off. i looked to my right, and my ex was there. we were having a disagreement that was escalating. getting out of control. then suddenly.... there was no sound.... there was nothing but dirt and dust, the familiar smell of burnt metal, the congestion of thick smoke. and i was alone. just then.... i was in my bed, staring at my ceiling. in back in my room, im awake for real now.... go outside, smoke, back to bed. lay there for a little while before finally shutting my eyes. havent had a dream since.
social avoidance. i actually didnt even realize i had this. in fact, ive recently made a retarded statement about somebody about them having it.... anyways. i really do avoid certain situations where i know there will be something to trigger a reflex reaction out of me, to spark another memory. i dont want to go to sports events anymore, the last one had a huge bang. i have not celebrated the 4th of july in years. last time i tried.... one firework and i found myself in my house all night, music blasting and beer in the hand. aside from movies, anything that will have a bang in it... i avoid. big concerts, like huge theater shows, wont go.... just the little bars kind of shows, no pyrotechnics, please.
empty feelings.... i dont think i really need to explain how i am on that.
uncontrollable or irrational rage. yes to both. prime example.... the monster i was towards my ex. that cold lifeless object. that... dark. my dark passenger.....
whatever.... i need help
EDIT:
cant sleep.
im really not even sure why i write these things anymore. no one is really paying attention to them.
either way, gives me the freedom to say whatever i want to.
had a bad fit tonight. started going through old pictures and emails. got really depressed. i know that things in the past.... things i have said.... well, theres no apology adequate enough for it. theres nothing i could do that could make up for the things i have done. this is what causes me the most pain. this is where my depression comes from. i can deal with not being with someone, but not because some monster living inside of me decimated what was once strong. not because i have destroyed the best thing i ever had in my life. these are my depressions. if i could go back, i wouldnt go back to the week we were physically together, i would go back to when the first sign of trouble came. and i would fix it. i would fix me. i would put myself now into what i was then.
ive betrayed friends, ive lied to my family. i went to war for the wrong reasons and it killed me. i have pushed people away and used them. i have made retarded financial decisions that echo to this day. and i always told myself that i will have to live with these mistakes... and i do. but these.... these events that have occurred recently.... these are my regrets. these.... much harder to live with.
"even though its gonna fall apart, break my heart. ill keep building till i die."
di_xia:
