Thursday Apr 15, 2010

0
so staying away isnt really helping that much. i need to talk.

yesterday was depressing in the "i miss her sense" and i wrote this:

SPOILERS! (Click to view)

the things i want to say to her.
the things i want to say to myself.

its getting even harder to smile at myself. i cannot figure out, who i am. what im doing here. im so lost.

her.... well, she was a shining symbol of hope for me. shes so strong. so wise. she knows everything about herself and accepts who and what she is. she respects herself, both past and present.

but me.... i fear my past, and hide my present. i try to live in my future, no matter how blurry it may be. i find myself constantly searching for a place of acceptance in this world, instead of accepting my place in it.

problem is, i dont know my place anymore. i dont know myself. the self that i can see, i dont like. the mirror is pathetic, and shadow of a being. its just an unfocused image behind a fractured mask.

she made me think that i could finally let out. i can finally find myself. i can finally accept what the mirror shows.

but when she left, i became a huge shield against all that is good. i spent most of my time concentrating on tricking myself into thinking im fine and im normal and im over it, i became a monster. a creature of darkness. yet a child. terrified and alone. noone to guide me, noone to accept me.

i find solice now in other worlds. i find comfort in firearms, security in violence. order in chaos.

is this the life a man should live? is this the life anyone should endure?

i watch movies and put myself into the roles. into the world im viewing. where things are simple. and pain is imaginary. i shut my brain down, and i am calm again.

yet it only takes one thing to set me off again. one thought, one memory to push me back into depression. today, it was food. chinese buffet. when she was down, thats what we ate in fort hood. the memories rushed me, i found myself searching for the sushi bar, looking for little octopi.

shes not in the sushi bar. shes only in my mind.

i thought that i couldnt bare seeing her happy with someone else. now i cannot bare seeing her in struggle. i just wish i could be there to comfort her. even if it isnt as the person to her i want to be. i just to hold my hand against her cheek and tell her she will be alright. tell her i know how strong she is, and that nothing can keep her down. i want to tell her.... sigh

but i cant. i cannot even tell myself these things. i see no end to what it is im feeling. i see no bright future right now. the image in the mirror, im only trying to get used to it. i must try to change it. i need help. i cannot do this on my own.

im reaching out for help, but i have no idea what to say when i find any. maybe... save me.



ANYWAYS.....


today... was just all around depressing. really spent time thinking.... this may sound weird, but thinking about my thoughts. trying to analyze what it is im thinking. for example: hanging out with a couple friends shooting basketball outside. every car that drives by, i start thinking things like.... if they pull out guns whats my best immediate location for cover? or... if they stop and want to fight where is my nearest weapon?

been trying to silence my thoughts with shows on the computer. watched all of terminator season 2 and dexter season 3. i start little projects... rewiring my buddy's dryer for his new place, detailing his car knowing its going to rain shortly. cooking eggs at 5 pm for a snack. it works for the moment.

but once it gets quiet, or once i lose interest, the thoughts come back. in terminator this season two guys from Generation Kill play roles in it. that got me thinking about the war again. about my continuing thoughts. heres some info from the top of my head.... from where im sitting, living room, best escape is window 6 feet away from me. one step followed by one leap with quarter turn and ill break through the old glass and already cut screen to land safely on my left shoulder. if i was on the toilet? its 8 walking paces to the nearest window, 3 sprints. would take 5 sprints to make it to the door. from screen door can easily be knocked open with hard push. make left. 2 paces. another left. 5 paces to tree line. thats only 4 feet thick. theres an open working shed there, lots of metal, good running room. can go either left or right. left is best option due to all the fences from the other yard.

restaurant yesterday. from where we sat in back of the place all tables were within a couple steps from a window, one story up... good escape. two door exits, one by employee back room. that ones only about 8 paces sprinting. the kitchen no doubt has an exit, but its on the other side of the building. 100 feet give or take. main entrance is suicide bottle neck. double door into small hallway with one direction into double door. biggest threat there... two guys, young, 5 9 give or take a bit each. about 170 on one, 200 on the other. employees are no help in crisis. too bad the two guys were right next to main entrance. if someone were to walk in shooting, they would be numbers 3 and 4 to be out, most help gone. still plenty of time for us to get away.

i sit around and constantly wonder what violent actions could occur at any moment and try to establish my reactions to them. why the fuck do i do this? who the hell knows. but it sucks.

people drinking outside. sounds like 3. the couple from across the way and their neighbor, from what i can think. beer pong. miller light. saw him bring that in the house this afternoon. one of the kids is awake. someone has a zippo. two are drunk. chris just fed his snake in his room with the door closed. can hear the heat lamp shut off followed by the feeding box lid close. he just plugged his phone in. sheets moving. hell be asleep in 2 to 5 minutes. never takes him long.

i hate these thoughts. i just cannot relax. i need to either be thinking or distracted. and whats worse is my thoughts arent even meaningful. unless one time something did actually occur, but i might as well play the lottery.

im pissed im still stuck in fort hood. i need to get to houston. where the va clinic is. i need to talk to someone soon. everyday i just get complacent a little more each day, in this paranoid thought process of mine. and thats no good.

heres that lack of care again..... my friend just told me her car got totaled by some drunk guy when it was parked... she says she was on her balcony and watched her car get smashed into. and ya know what i said.... interesting. thats what i say when i have nothing to say. or at least when i think i dont.

fuck me i really dont care about much of anything anymore....






interesting
chrysis:
Thank you. Nice of you to say.

I know the difference is pretty big .. Hopefully the pictures help, anyway?

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