illuminatus

as a child, your world is small. as a child, the world is simple. down the hall is far away. you have your family, and thats it. the comfort. your father is a careless drunk, your mother never stops workling and your step father is abusive. but they were there. you were never alone

problems were different then. your dad beating you for no reason was nothing compared to teddy's ripped shoulder. now, the house next door is far away. teddy's arm was a disaster. but your step father will be there for you that day and the next. be there to smack you across the face. to throw you across the room. to tell you that your weak. that its all for your own good. but will teddy make it? his guts of stuffing coming out of his arm like that looks like the emergency surgary room off of tv. poor teddy.

the world starts to open and you start to meet other people. kids at the park to play with. now, down the street is far away. other kids, like minded. the pressing issue at hand: whos it? once a week, you get to come to this magical fun place. like a vacation. your father brings you. he seems to think that this is where to women are. and your in a new heaven. your father is with you. you have friends.

now your going to school. learning the alphabet. this is your world now. the other side of town is so far away. you have more friends. everyone is perfect, innocent. your learning math, and how the world works. come home to the same comfort you always feel. try to show your mother what you drew. she just grabs it and sticks it on the refridgerator, and walks away. this is your trophy. you family admmires this, and you. your step father hits you a few times more today. he must have liked the drawing. hes giving you more attention than usual. hes teaching you to be strong more today than usual. you dont learn this sort of thing in school.

then you grow. you learn more of the world. your friends grow by the dozens. by this point, another state is so far away. you meet their families, you wonder why your friend doesnt get the strength training you get. you start to wonder. you think about it. you see its evil. you grow tired of feeling helpless, and rebel. you feel the freedom, you experience the laughs. its time to break free. so you leave.

your in your own world now. you see more. the other half of the planet is so far away. you see great evil. you see the helpless beaten worse than you were. or the same. this world is full of evil, and you can no longer just stand by. you were helpless once, now its time to help. time to stand and fight. naive, you decide to protect the innocent.

your a soldier. a fighter. a defender of the truth. but you still have more to learn. a new lesson lies ahead for you. in war, truth is the first casualty. you go across the world. fight for other people benefit. they tell you, its about defending the world against evil. so you fight harder. all that strength training pays off. you stare at evil. you face fear. you see death, you take life with your own hands. finally, you are so far away.

a man draws a circle around himself and declares "this is me." he draws a larger circle, and in it is the ones he loves most. then another circle, for all his close friends. then one last one. for those he meets and starts to like. they either come closer to him, or leave the circles entirely. this is now your world. the rest of the the world, so far away. there is not evil and the world, the world is evil. dark. lonely. it was always this way.

as a child, your world is small. as a child, your world is simple. as a child, the world was the same as it is to this day. but you, but i, am no longer a helpless inhabitant of somebody elses circle. i am a ring leader. i defend my world against the evil of the rest.

do i ever wish i could feel as free and innocent as my childhood? to live in a good world? ignorance is, in fact, bliss. no, i do not. what i am not, much stronger. able and willing to help. to defend against what i KNOW is worth fighting for. noone is innocent. but some of us dont try to escape to that comfort. to the way we used to be. we chose to defend what we have now.

i wouldnt trade any of me now for the easy comfort of my past. the false comfort. when comfort was gettins punched, getting ignored, getting used to pick up women. the comfort of knowing what will happen tomorrow. i will stand before the unknown and protect what i do know. and fight through what i dont.