so today has a theme, believe it or not. starting from the beginning. a friend had posted concerns of their mortality, of ours as humans. i stated that i dont fear my mortality, just aging.
but the nail in the coffin of today's theme came from a usual source, its just something i never really came out with. me and a fellow ex-soldier were chit chattin about past times as we are prone to do around each other. and, as always, were civilians standing near, well, more than near, right in our group. and one, as inevitably so, voiced a seemingly harmless question. a question ive heard before, and either ignored or answered in short. this time, i gave a, still short, but still decent answer. it was followed by more questions, and again, they were questions ive heard before. but in my current state of mind recently, and the mortality words from earlier in the day, as well a certain conversation before school, made me think a bit differently than normal.
i could start with a simple "for those who dont know" but thats pretty much everybody. even those i have held close to my heart. this is something i have never discussed, let alone made fully public.
in therapy, i was told talking was the best way to get over things. well ive tried that, but with the wrong people. being home for the first time and having some racist drunk old asshole walk to me in front of my family and ask "did you kill any sand niggers?" was not exactly what my therapist was referring to. and he definitely would not have agreed with my angry responce, which was followed by hard tears.
there is a huge difference between thinking about your mortality, and being face to face with it. its a moment no person can forget, and theres no way it just submerges itself from your mind and frees you of its terrifying memory. ill never forget my first. it was one of the worst days of my life.
Balad, Iraq.. dec 11th 2007. on this grateful birthday of mine, one of two i celebrated in that hell of a desert, i learned of my grandmother's death. she hadnt died that day, but its when i found out. it was something that was expected in the family. she had stage three cancer in four parts of her body. it was untreatable. my mther had flown to chicago, and was present for the moment. ill never forget her words. "she just laid there peacefully asleep. and i was holding her hand and could feel the life escaping her. she died in sleep, free of pain, but ill be damned if i didnt feel it."
for those who do know this much about me, i practically live for my mother. she has fought hard for her children. she used to go without eating to ensure i would. she has sacrificed everything that needed to be for her children. and, on a sidenote, she is finally able to relax and stop fighting, and for that much happiness is spread among all her children. hearing those words from her was incredibly painful. i found myself in the cool late night desert air, sitting by myself on a bench having a cigarette, hearing the usual far-off explosions, and sound of rifle fire coming from the test fire pit. watching a fighter jet take off and an attack chopper fly low overhead. just sat there, holding a high powered rifle, staring up, go over her words again and again. solid tears running down my cheek.
i had called her to talk to her, we were about to head north on a path that would take us past the current hotspot, sumarra. i wouldnt tell her any of this, nor have i told her i was driving in a gun truck, a hmmvv in the convoy there for no other reason than security and force. had been driving one for a couple months now. mere hours later, after straightening myself up, was leaving the base into the vast darkness.
iraq is not a sight you can imagine. during the day some parts are beautiful, especially around the baghdad. the grand mosque is something that just grabs you everytime you look at it. at night, its like space. so flat and empty in most parts, your looking forward into a blank nothing that you know is pure desert, far enough that you can see the curve of the earth during the day. but night, theres nothing. no lights at all. just your headlights on the dirty, mine cratered road through your dim headlights. other times youd see the whole thing in green, through the bright one-eyed viewer of your night vision goggles.
we were taveling to q-west, up north a dozen or so miles shy of the turkey border. an army supply bridge had failed there, we were being sent to either fix it or demolish it to make way for a new one. our plan was to stop at a base in between called Camp Speicher, just outside of tikrit. we were on the main highway, to the locals known as highway 1, to us, route tampa. we timed things well so we would follow just as route clearance finished that area. they were the bomb sniffers, running four vehicle convoys at 15 mph to search of eid's. safest time to drive. we were a mere 25 miles south of the large base, our rest and refuel point.
the hmmvv, 17 was its call-sign, was the newer of its class. the 1151, was outfitted with 3/4 inch steel plate on it underbelley to protect against blasts. we all knew it wasnt enough for the newer ied's out there, but we were about to recieve the army's next route vehicle, the MRAP. hmmvv 17, or as my gunner heidenreich named her, Talon, was my vehicle. it was my job to care for her, i had kept her clean and cared well for her, making sure she was always ready for the mission. i even installed a 12v computer stereo system in her to hook to myu ipod and enjoy some music that softly made its way through our radio connected headphones. she also carried the platoon's arsenal supply, a mixture of multiple ammo cans for our rifles, 2000 .50 caliber round for our turret weapons, and three cases of grenades and flares. and the platoon sargeant, although i was not much a fan of him. he really never paid much attention to me and hater (heidenreich's knickname) as me and him would talk about anything from music to our pasts to whatever we could think to stay awake. our missions usually ran over night, this one starting at 2 am and due to arrive at our destination at 8 am.
it had been quiet, as it always is. hater was facing the rear, protecting the convoy from the back. it had been a nice change of pace, having been used ot leading the convoy form the front. it was nice to finally follow a set of tailights rather then stare into nothing, knowing that many were behind you, trusting you and following your every move. now this was a convoy where i could slightly relax. just play the music and talk to hater. the platoon sargeane had fallen asleep, which we preferred since he was a worthless dumbass. me and hater were discussing the changes in current music, how bands have changed from the face they originally had released, and then it happened.
from the dark lifeless night a sound and sight unlike anyhting i have ever experienced had occured. there were small flashes, nothing big. something had startled my hearing, most of my head was busy with a ringing. i could feel the truck lifting off the ground, and moving no faster regardless of my foot now slamming the gas pedal as hard as i could. i remember hearing hater say something, the platoon sargeant screaming wildly, giving a shreik that could give men chills. i was looking out the windsheild, a tiny rectangle that offered minimal visibility. all i saw was smoke and dirty, started hearing the rocks bounce off it. then another shock.
in the mess of all this, it was almost as if i forgot that i could feel slightly airborn. it wasnt until the back end of the talon came crashing down that i realized what had happened. the whole driver rear of the truck was immobile, i knew what was wrong. i could feel the sluggish gas pedal and the whining engine trying to pull some dead weight. it was out SOP, though, to push it as far as we could, and my strong talon continued slowly for another half mile or so before retiring to its injuries. which was fine, we were out of the killzone. the time between that moment and the explosion, however, were total chaos. me trying to keep the convoy posted on the situation, worried about hater. that concern faded as i saw him turnign left and right like a downhill skier. he was fine, a little angry, but taking care of what he needed to. he was looking. we both knew there was someone out there, but it was his job to look, not mine. i had to get us out of the killzone. the platoon sargeant was busy trying to call the incident back to our company and post the location on our universal gps controlled real time map system. he was inexperienced for this. this was his first time oversees. he had been a drill sargeant for half the war. this was his first time in danger, and only his third convoy. it was my 11th. it was hater's 11th. for most of those in the convoy, it was their 11th. he was almost useless, but he did do that part of his job, ill give him that much.
it wasnt until all was cleared and the talon finally collapsed that he turned to me and asked "was that an ied?" i had told him it had to be, and that hater had seen the hole it was buried in. the convoy was a couple miles ahead, it take a bit of time to slow those vehicles down. so for the moment we were alone, awaiting for our rescue vehicle to arrive. when hater gave me the clear, i never jumped out of a truck and lit a cirgarette while aiming my weapon so fast (platoon sargeant never let me smoke inside the vehicle, and still wasnt about to let me light up). i walked to the back to see the damage. at first it seemed as though we could simply replace the iron wheel and thick rubber tire and drive away, but that was quickly erased when i noticed the beams. torn apart, as was our counter-eid equiptment, not that it mattered at this point. attenea's and fire blankets gone. armor twisted and destroyed. talon had seen her last day.
at this point, the training still had me taken over, even with the brief cigarette. we had to get to work fast. remove all munitions, take anything that had a "secret" label on it, remove radios and BFT system. destroy all else. and remain safe until help arrives. it was only mere minutes before we were loading another truck, me and hater literally sitting on the hood. the help trucv only had room for one. we got to other trucks and left the talon where she laid herself. we would have to send a flatbed to recover her.
it wasnt until we were at speicher, and me and hater got back together to embrace each other. the bond we shared at that moment, and from then on, was untouchable. it was nothing we could describe to others, yet noone asked. all that was asked was if we were alright. but it was that moment it all sank it. we almost died.
that was the first time i stared into the face of my own death. when i faced my mortality. at the moment it happened, i reacted as i was trained to. there were no time for feelings, no time to think. no time for anything but reactions. sure we all have thought about it before. on a convoy, thinking that we could be blown up and die at any moment. but this was different. it wasnt a we could, it was a we did. someone had just tried to take our lives. someone had hit my truck with an ied. someone just almost killed us.
there is a firm difference in thinking about our mortality and facing it. when you think about it, you fear it. you fear the loss of what you have, the fear of no longer holding your wife or pet. no longer sharing father son moments. no longer able to help you mother with moving things. no longer seeing all the things you wish you had done. they say when you face your death your life flashes before your eyes. thats bullshit. my mind flashed with nothing at first, then.... just the thoughts of my family after my death. their sadness and tears. and yet their strength. has devestated as they may have been, i would still be a proud memory. and they would all press on, and continue living the way they knew i would want them to. after FACING your mortality, after FACING your own death, you lose all fear of it. i could die from anything at anytime, and yet i dont care. if i go, then i go. thats just it. it becomes that simple. there is no questioning, no wondering why, and no worry if it happening. just the knowledge that it will eventually happen, and the acceptance of such.
im not afraid to die. im afraid to age. im afraid to not be that something that someone wants to wake up to every morning. im afraid of not being that role model for a growing boy. im afraid of not holding the hand of my child and saying "it will be alright, daddy's here."
but thats just me......
but the nail in the coffin of today's theme came from a usual source, its just something i never really came out with. me and a fellow ex-soldier were chit chattin about past times as we are prone to do around each other. and, as always, were civilians standing near, well, more than near, right in our group. and one, as inevitably so, voiced a seemingly harmless question. a question ive heard before, and either ignored or answered in short. this time, i gave a, still short, but still decent answer. it was followed by more questions, and again, they were questions ive heard before. but in my current state of mind recently, and the mortality words from earlier in the day, as well a certain conversation before school, made me think a bit differently than normal.
i could start with a simple "for those who dont know" but thats pretty much everybody. even those i have held close to my heart. this is something i have never discussed, let alone made fully public.
in therapy, i was told talking was the best way to get over things. well ive tried that, but with the wrong people. being home for the first time and having some racist drunk old asshole walk to me in front of my family and ask "did you kill any sand niggers?" was not exactly what my therapist was referring to. and he definitely would not have agreed with my angry responce, which was followed by hard tears.
there is a huge difference between thinking about your mortality, and being face to face with it. its a moment no person can forget, and theres no way it just submerges itself from your mind and frees you of its terrifying memory. ill never forget my first. it was one of the worst days of my life.
Balad, Iraq.. dec 11th 2007. on this grateful birthday of mine, one of two i celebrated in that hell of a desert, i learned of my grandmother's death. she hadnt died that day, but its when i found out. it was something that was expected in the family. she had stage three cancer in four parts of her body. it was untreatable. my mther had flown to chicago, and was present for the moment. ill never forget her words. "she just laid there peacefully asleep. and i was holding her hand and could feel the life escaping her. she died in sleep, free of pain, but ill be damned if i didnt feel it."
for those who do know this much about me, i practically live for my mother. she has fought hard for her children. she used to go without eating to ensure i would. she has sacrificed everything that needed to be for her children. and, on a sidenote, she is finally able to relax and stop fighting, and for that much happiness is spread among all her children. hearing those words from her was incredibly painful. i found myself in the cool late night desert air, sitting by myself on a bench having a cigarette, hearing the usual far-off explosions, and sound of rifle fire coming from the test fire pit. watching a fighter jet take off and an attack chopper fly low overhead. just sat there, holding a high powered rifle, staring up, go over her words again and again. solid tears running down my cheek.
i had called her to talk to her, we were about to head north on a path that would take us past the current hotspot, sumarra. i wouldnt tell her any of this, nor have i told her i was driving in a gun truck, a hmmvv in the convoy there for no other reason than security and force. had been driving one for a couple months now. mere hours later, after straightening myself up, was leaving the base into the vast darkness.
iraq is not a sight you can imagine. during the day some parts are beautiful, especially around the baghdad. the grand mosque is something that just grabs you everytime you look at it. at night, its like space. so flat and empty in most parts, your looking forward into a blank nothing that you know is pure desert, far enough that you can see the curve of the earth during the day. but night, theres nothing. no lights at all. just your headlights on the dirty, mine cratered road through your dim headlights. other times youd see the whole thing in green, through the bright one-eyed viewer of your night vision goggles.
we were taveling to q-west, up north a dozen or so miles shy of the turkey border. an army supply bridge had failed there, we were being sent to either fix it or demolish it to make way for a new one. our plan was to stop at a base in between called Camp Speicher, just outside of tikrit. we were on the main highway, to the locals known as highway 1, to us, route tampa. we timed things well so we would follow just as route clearance finished that area. they were the bomb sniffers, running four vehicle convoys at 15 mph to search of eid's. safest time to drive. we were a mere 25 miles south of the large base, our rest and refuel point.
the hmmvv, 17 was its call-sign, was the newer of its class. the 1151, was outfitted with 3/4 inch steel plate on it underbelley to protect against blasts. we all knew it wasnt enough for the newer ied's out there, but we were about to recieve the army's next route vehicle, the MRAP. hmmvv 17, or as my gunner heidenreich named her, Talon, was my vehicle. it was my job to care for her, i had kept her clean and cared well for her, making sure she was always ready for the mission. i even installed a 12v computer stereo system in her to hook to myu ipod and enjoy some music that softly made its way through our radio connected headphones. she also carried the platoon's arsenal supply, a mixture of multiple ammo cans for our rifles, 2000 .50 caliber round for our turret weapons, and three cases of grenades and flares. and the platoon sargeant, although i was not much a fan of him. he really never paid much attention to me and hater (heidenreich's knickname) as me and him would talk about anything from music to our pasts to whatever we could think to stay awake. our missions usually ran over night, this one starting at 2 am and due to arrive at our destination at 8 am.
it had been quiet, as it always is. hater was facing the rear, protecting the convoy from the back. it had been a nice change of pace, having been used ot leading the convoy form the front. it was nice to finally follow a set of tailights rather then stare into nothing, knowing that many were behind you, trusting you and following your every move. now this was a convoy where i could slightly relax. just play the music and talk to hater. the platoon sargeane had fallen asleep, which we preferred since he was a worthless dumbass. me and hater were discussing the changes in current music, how bands have changed from the face they originally had released, and then it happened.
from the dark lifeless night a sound and sight unlike anyhting i have ever experienced had occured. there were small flashes, nothing big. something had startled my hearing, most of my head was busy with a ringing. i could feel the truck lifting off the ground, and moving no faster regardless of my foot now slamming the gas pedal as hard as i could. i remember hearing hater say something, the platoon sargeant screaming wildly, giving a shreik that could give men chills. i was looking out the windsheild, a tiny rectangle that offered minimal visibility. all i saw was smoke and dirty, started hearing the rocks bounce off it. then another shock.
in the mess of all this, it was almost as if i forgot that i could feel slightly airborn. it wasnt until the back end of the talon came crashing down that i realized what had happened. the whole driver rear of the truck was immobile, i knew what was wrong. i could feel the sluggish gas pedal and the whining engine trying to pull some dead weight. it was out SOP, though, to push it as far as we could, and my strong talon continued slowly for another half mile or so before retiring to its injuries. which was fine, we were out of the killzone. the time between that moment and the explosion, however, were total chaos. me trying to keep the convoy posted on the situation, worried about hater. that concern faded as i saw him turnign left and right like a downhill skier. he was fine, a little angry, but taking care of what he needed to. he was looking. we both knew there was someone out there, but it was his job to look, not mine. i had to get us out of the killzone. the platoon sargeant was busy trying to call the incident back to our company and post the location on our universal gps controlled real time map system. he was inexperienced for this. this was his first time oversees. he had been a drill sargeant for half the war. this was his first time in danger, and only his third convoy. it was my 11th. it was hater's 11th. for most of those in the convoy, it was their 11th. he was almost useless, but he did do that part of his job, ill give him that much.
it wasnt until all was cleared and the talon finally collapsed that he turned to me and asked "was that an ied?" i had told him it had to be, and that hater had seen the hole it was buried in. the convoy was a couple miles ahead, it take a bit of time to slow those vehicles down. so for the moment we were alone, awaiting for our rescue vehicle to arrive. when hater gave me the clear, i never jumped out of a truck and lit a cirgarette while aiming my weapon so fast (platoon sargeant never let me smoke inside the vehicle, and still wasnt about to let me light up). i walked to the back to see the damage. at first it seemed as though we could simply replace the iron wheel and thick rubber tire and drive away, but that was quickly erased when i noticed the beams. torn apart, as was our counter-eid equiptment, not that it mattered at this point. attenea's and fire blankets gone. armor twisted and destroyed. talon had seen her last day.
at this point, the training still had me taken over, even with the brief cigarette. we had to get to work fast. remove all munitions, take anything that had a "secret" label on it, remove radios and BFT system. destroy all else. and remain safe until help arrives. it was only mere minutes before we were loading another truck, me and hater literally sitting on the hood. the help trucv only had room for one. we got to other trucks and left the talon where she laid herself. we would have to send a flatbed to recover her.
it wasnt until we were at speicher, and me and hater got back together to embrace each other. the bond we shared at that moment, and from then on, was untouchable. it was nothing we could describe to others, yet noone asked. all that was asked was if we were alright. but it was that moment it all sank it. we almost died.
that was the first time i stared into the face of my own death. when i faced my mortality. at the moment it happened, i reacted as i was trained to. there were no time for feelings, no time to think. no time for anything but reactions. sure we all have thought about it before. on a convoy, thinking that we could be blown up and die at any moment. but this was different. it wasnt a we could, it was a we did. someone had just tried to take our lives. someone had hit my truck with an ied. someone just almost killed us.
there is a firm difference in thinking about our mortality and facing it. when you think about it, you fear it. you fear the loss of what you have, the fear of no longer holding your wife or pet. no longer sharing father son moments. no longer able to help you mother with moving things. no longer seeing all the things you wish you had done. they say when you face your death your life flashes before your eyes. thats bullshit. my mind flashed with nothing at first, then.... just the thoughts of my family after my death. their sadness and tears. and yet their strength. has devestated as they may have been, i would still be a proud memory. and they would all press on, and continue living the way they knew i would want them to. after FACING your mortality, after FACING your own death, you lose all fear of it. i could die from anything at anytime, and yet i dont care. if i go, then i go. thats just it. it becomes that simple. there is no questioning, no wondering why, and no worry if it happening. just the knowledge that it will eventually happen, and the acceptance of such.
im not afraid to die. im afraid to age. im afraid to not be that something that someone wants to wake up to every morning. im afraid of not being that role model for a growing boy. im afraid of not holding the hand of my child and saying "it will be alright, daddy's here."
but thats just me......