illuminatus

so here it goes. a rundown of the weekends events, mostly the airport shit and my thought process.
pretty long. day 2 is mostly some trip details, day 4 is the serious part.

day 2: nothing goes as planned. adapt and overcome
its 720 am on friday. i just sat down for my 730 take off time.
i woke up fine, showered, finalized my packing all well, forgot nothing. yet there was still something off. i knew i had to be on the road in fifteen minutes, and i was the only one awake. my sister was going to take me on her way to work. it was a good plan, she works at seven like 4 miles from the airport. although, she really is the worst morning person i have met. could i really wake her and be out the door in fifteen minutes? i dont think so, so i cold ran my car. for those who know me, thats an extreme no no. and im hungry as all hell. and shit, gas light just came on. and im going to need quarters for the tollway. so i stopped at the local gas station. pumped about a half tank, got red bull and quarters, and hit the road. six. thirty minutes on toll way, all is good. now time to relax and sing the sweet songs of all that remains!
at one point, it almost seemed like traffic was about to get bad, but it didnt. thank god. got to my long term parking spot at exactly 630. i still have plenty of time. this is going alright.i was right next to the bus stop, and it pulled right up. as i got on, the driver asked me what airline i was flying. freeze time.
so apparently i did forget something. i forgot to double check my flight. i had absolutely no idea what airline i was on. oh did i panick. my reaction was to say continental, so i did. i knew one of my flgiths was continental. almost always is flying out of here for me.
"your on the wrong bus, you need that one right there."
sooooooo i changed buses. got the same question, gave the same answer, sat down. once we were on the way i really started thinking about it. ya know what? i remember my flight from detroit was delta 4048. which means my flight to detroit was probably delta. when i got to the terminal, i checked the boards. and sure as shit, no flights to detroit. 6:42. im fine. so i asked a nice gentleman how to get to the other terminals. turns out theres a tram system below the airport. "take that to terminal A"
i was on the way. down the stairs, turn right, theres a tram right to my ten o'clock. so i hopped my happy ass on. i was at terminal c, moving to d and e. i started remembering the dallas tram, the sky way. made awesome circles around the airport. we got to the d and e exit, and i thought, thats it, should start over with a now! nope. looked around and saw a small map. houstons tram system is a straight line that goes back and forth. so once you get to one side, you just go the other way. i had to ride from one side of the airport to the other. by the time i got to terminal a, it was 7:05. so i went to check in via computer. CANT. have to be over thirty minutes to check it. FUCK. i asked a nice ladie behind the counter to check me in. got my ticket, off to security. 7:09. my plane is boarding. has been for almost ten minutes. so i made it through security just fine, looked at the signs above. gates A07-A17 to the right. i was at A10. time check....7:18. they close the doors in two minutes. so now its time to recal some of that army side of me. sprinting, i quick checked left and saw my flight, as they started to close the door..... HOLY SHIT I MADE IT ON!
so when i finally came over detriot, i took my eyes for a trip of their own. and this is not the prettiest place ive ever seen. now, i know houston is no wild life reservation, but at least around the city is nice. like when i took off, there was this beautiful low fog rolling through the forest like are of the woodlands. i mean undescribable how perfect it looked. but detriot, its .like one giant ass neighborhood with buildings and schools stuck in the middle of them. i mean theres nothing else there.
i caught a climpse of the planes shadow, and followed it as it flew over highways and houses, neighborhood roads and school playgrounds. right over passing cars and groups of morning golfers finishing their 18 holes. i wondered, my school is right by the airport. surely planes have flown over to cast a shadow over me, but have i ever taken the time to notice? and if i did, did i just discard it like it was nothing at all?its such a sight, watching this dark blob grow bigger and bigger, closer and closer to me until you finally feel the jolt as you connect with it.
by the way, detriot tram is awesome!


mental time:
so i here i sit, in detriot, a mere eight minutes from the arrival of the flight from akron/canton. her plane. the one she was going to be on but is not, for good reasons, i would like to point out. and the sad feelings started. but i must not allow my emotions to get the best of me. shes not coming, so stop acting like it. stop being depressed, brandon. i am not depressed, and i am not angry anymore. im not going to complain, and im done blaming.
i decided to stop thinking about her not being here, and started to, instead, imagine how she would be if she were. and ill be damned, but that opened me up quick. i started looking at this as an adventure, not just a stop in my travels.so i put the headphones on, and started wwandering, admiring the little world around me. was admiring its inhabitants, as they moved either calming or rushing. some of them not even taking time to notice the huge amount of windows to the outside, no time to feel the warm noon sun.just as i had previously been. walking around, mouthing the words to my ipod's music choice for me. everything from aerosmith to chevelle to mushroomhead. and of course there were plenty of people that were giving me those odd looks. fuck what they think. im enjoying myself.
went to get to terminal c and the trip there is an underground area. when i got to the bottom, i became breathless. the ugly city outside, this was probably the most gorgeous thing in detriot. it was a long tunnel with moving walkways on either side. the side walls were stacked with a combination of smooth and textured glass, and multiple colored lights behind them. the ceilings lighting colors changed to match the walls.

damn she wouldve loved this. i found myself wishing that she would be here if just to see this... and of course use her awesome camera instead of my little cell phone camera. i stopped walking on the walkways and just stood and let the mechanics move for me. i laid my hand on the glass and dragged it along. staring almost straight up to see the colors. and yes there were people looking again. i did not care, i was lost in my own little world below ground. this was awesome, and i was happy to be here. the thoughts of how she would be looking at this brought to me a large smile. i pictured her in all her innocence about these things and was filled with happiness.
this emotion control thing is something i can honestly say seems to work. a friends smile can really brighten up your own day if you just let it. i must have goen through that tunnel about six times, before finally boarding my flight to pa.

once i got to my home state, my first sight was the snow trailed mountain known as ski roundtop. its where me and jason used to snowboard. MEMORIES time! nothing really spectactular happened at this airport. its small and cute, easy to get around in and get out. i got to my rental, which ended up costing me about 100 more than planned. stupid under 25 bullshit. whatever. im home, i dont care, lets just get into my crappy dodge avenger and head to see the greatest woman i can think of. i figured it would be abotu 40 minute drive. i mean, thats how it always seemed to be. but it was only 20. turns out the airport is only 18 miles away, not the 35 i predicted. started gettin me thinking again. my current drive to school is 35 miles. take 45 minutes normally. and here in houston, thats almost nothing. but there's nothing to admire. its all big business buildings and high speed highways. everyone moving so fast. it seems i have gotten myself caught up in the feeling. get there get there get there. who cares whats around. not in pa though. just huge fields with houses scattered between them. there really are things to look at here. you can see deer of in the meadows if you look. pay close enough attention, you may even catch a glimpse of a hawk sailing above. anyways, when i got to the exit i rolled these crappy windows down, only to be slapped in the face with a smell reminding me of fresh chocolate chip cookies! oh yeah, the kellogs factory is right next door here! just like moms old apartment, half a mile from the twizzler plant lol. wonder what the air near there smelled like some days? hmmm
the rest of the weekend not really to be recorded. family is amazing as always, and my mother is so much happier now than she was months ago. im so proud of her and what shes accomplished.

my little brother has htis fork that extends to almost two and a half feet long. that was fun to play with.


our econamy has officially hit an all time low.



day four: "Colorless green ideas sleep furiously."

yes, thats coffee. i drank myself a lot of fuckin coffee this day.

so, now im sitting in my hotel room in new jersey. my flight has been overbooked, and im here an additional EXACTLY 24 hours. but i got 30 dollrs in meal tickets, a free hotel, and 400 in ticket credit. now i have a lot of time to reflect. i realize that though this book turned out to not be exactly what i thoguth it was, it has helped me with my thoughts again. come to find out, she was right, yet again. i have become a man of the body, not of the brain. i have been looking at my world from the the physical plane, searching for fun rather than meaning, so to speak. i did not used ot be this way. i used to sit around and think about religion and politics, random things. i used to post blogs of things i thought about while taking a shower. they may not necessarily been correct, but they still were thought provoking. i used to be curious about the world enough to actually spend the time to think about it. and i lost that side of me. i found a quote that really got me thinking.
"Colorless green ideas sleep furiously."
Noam Chomsky, an MIT linquist, said that. he uses this sentence to show that proper grammatical structure is completely independent of meaning. think about that sentence. grammatically, is near perfect, yet the statement itself is a complete paradox. every word contradicts the previous one. i now use this sentence in my life, referring to it when i look around.
you can have all the elements of a good life or relationship (relationship here being used as every kind from romantic to friendly to family) physically, but its worthless without meaning, without that structure. the ability and freedom to share whatever thoughts with someone is a truely great thing, and many of us now take that for granted. as far as the romantic relationship goes, you could be completely in love with someone, and they could share that feeling with you as well. but without that ability, without that mental freedom between you two, the whole relationship is a meaningless pile. and the emotions, too, are equally important. there are plenty of people in your life that you share that communication level with, but dont have those feelings with.
thats where i messed up. i tried to base a relationship entirely off of emotion, and i cant do that. in fact, a relationship shouldnt be soley based on anything, rather on EVERYTHING. and once again, i was wrong. my thoughts on the whole reason i failed were wrong. well, partially. its through that sharing that we open ourselves up to people.
so now its time to bring that side of my back, not just for her, but for me. for my future and for my own good. thinking and writing together can acheive wonderful things. this whole experience was like extreme makeover: brain edition. but the epiphany itself is not enough. i must follow through, i must awaken the part of my brain i put to rest.
im hungry, and its almost check out time. lets go to the airport for 10 hours!


so this right here is my airport life. in case your wondering about the pandas, for awhile i was buying her pandas to send with every letter or package, but i guess i already got every stuffed panda in texas. when i was in detriot, i saw this little animal shop and had to get them. i kinda feel like i owe them to her, and their part of my apology. they sit out a lot for a few reasons. for one, theyre in my back pack right on top of my books and notepad, so i have to remove them to get to those. another reason its helps me to feel like im not entirely alone here, whether im thinking of her or just talking to the pandas like they are any person i wish them to be. and finally..... i thought it was damn funny to those around me to see a tattooed guy headbanging to music and talking to a pair of stuffed pandas.
im readin kurt vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle." i read it before, a long time ago, but i was too young and immature to understand it. but now, it is definitely one of my favorite books. i got the notepad out for any spur of the moment thoughts, which has happened. i was thinking about how good just being in that state was, even before i was with family. and i got my answer during landing.
as i came over houston at night, it occured to me. this city is souless. has nothing to show but buildings. its polluted and completely flat. there is nothing exciting.
when i first moved to texas years ago, my father wrote me a letter. in one part he said to me "live a big city so you can learn to be hard. but not for too long, or you will lose the person you are." as if that couldnt be any more true. i suddenly find myself thinking constantly "i need to get out of the city" and "i dont ever want to live here when im on my own again." ive been in this sort of environment long enough. fort hood included. i have learned what being hard in the heart and mind is. and i dont like it. ive been here too long. i need to escape. seems this notepad and some books are going to become my best friends.


EDIT:
need to edit, pictures from my phone were too big to see as they should