I wasnt suppose to make it past 25/ jokes on you Im still alive
A non-clever journal, that doesnt sound like you.
I dont feel much like myself right now.
Why not?
Here goes...
This holiday season was really weird. This season usually passes me by without me batting an eye. I just keep my heard down and let everyone spread their holiday cheer. This year was a little different for one reason: Hope. For reasons I cant understand I have people in my life now.
Side track: I watched an episode of 6 Feet Under the other day and the death in the beginning of the show was of a lady of about 40+ years old that dies while eating her TV dinner in front of the tv while doing a crossword puzzle. It was a week before anyone bothered to come look for her.
I mention this only because a year ago that was me. Only I cook my own food. (actually I died for a month 4 years ago and no one came to find me. but thats another story.) Im usually completely disconnected from people and therefor when this time of year comes along I just let it pass me by. (Im not a very easy person to know and even harder to understand.) But this year I met people. And did things. Some of those people and things were good for me. Most were a waist of time. In years past I knew what this time of year would bring: nothing. So thats what I always expected. And thats what I always got. I dont have enough of this Hope stuff to go around. i cant afford to waist it on silly things like hollidays.
Birthdays was the worse days/ now I sip [Jack and Coke] when Im thirst-tay
With Hope comes Want and this year, I wanted and I didnt receive. I didnt even know what to expect to receive but I did anyway. I don't even mean physical gifts. What I got? An e-mail from the parents, and I just received the card they sent me yesterday. I want to be loved, I just dont know how. (the long version of this statement is coming sometime later.) What makes this worse is that i feel like Im on the cusps of some pretty serious stuff. A possible serious relationship, some forward movement as far my music is concerned as well as other things, so my desire was already peaked. i guess I just jumped the gun. i feel like going back into my shell. Its warmer in there. Please dont think I didnt appreciate your birthday wishes. You guys are some of the most important people in my life. But that in itself is kind of depressing.
You already know how I spent my Christmas Eve and my christmas. My birthday I went to work at 7 am came home at 11:00 pm and went to bed at 2 am woke at 6:30 went to work until 7 pm. I spent 04-05 on the phone with my sister, (family news: my brother who just got out of jail is back in.) at my computer mixing a song, listening to Cannonball Adderley and drinking my roommates' Sam Adams. (they went to a strip bar. I declined. But Im now the proud owner of a free pass to the Frisky Kitty. Any takers?)
To top it all off, I didnt get my vase.
The only thing worse than getting old is not getting old.
I doesnt help that I never thought Id live to be 25. (Did anyone notice that I was talking about dying in my birthday journal? Not a coincidence.) Every since I was 13 thats how I felt. I dont know were that number came from.
I'm beginning to realize that intelligent people are perpetually depressed (You know who you are.)
R.I.P. to my friends and family that never got to see 25
Zelda, the ink on my arm and the remainder of my life is dedicated to you. Steven, I hope your son learns from your mistakes. Corey, You were a good dude. Some things Ill never understand. Crystal, I hope your uncle burns in Hell for what he did you you.
On Dec. 29 my friends mother literally dropped dead. No preexisting medical problems, no explanations. She just dropped to the floor.
Sorry to bring you down but dont think your boy is depressed or anything. By the time I hit the Update button the apathy will have set in Ill go back to acting nihilisticleeh. How can one person be so callously fragile? So openly closed?
Good news:
E-mail from grandma:
I am happy to tell you that [your brother] and [your sister in law] have decided to get back together and make a family life for themselves and [their son].They are planning to go to Oklahoma with him. They have a very nice home to live in. Their home furnishings are already there in storage.
Im glad he stopped being suck a pussy ( I hardly us that word) He lost a couple of points with me with that seven year itch shit.
Dont forget to go say hi to my new friends Kinkerbelle_69, Parikhan and Selket. If I never deleted anyone, Id have a hundred friends by now. Oh, and Im sorry my new friends have to see me like this and that you have to be attached to such a journal. You might have to press rewind if I havent blown your mind. The next one will be clever. I already made the promise and she said shed hold me
... to it.
Other good news: You boys CD is on iTunes right now! Look for Calogero Dean
Recommendations: the hook alone on Understand is worth the 99 cents, guys and girls seem to like Pep Talk and Immaculate Conception is pretty clever if i do say so myself. But theyre all my babies so I cant pick too many.
This journal wasnt suppose to be this long. But I have so much more to sa...
A non-clever journal, that doesnt sound like you.
I dont feel much like myself right now.
Why not?
Here goes...
This holiday season was really weird. This season usually passes me by without me batting an eye. I just keep my heard down and let everyone spread their holiday cheer. This year was a little different for one reason: Hope. For reasons I cant understand I have people in my life now.
Side track: I watched an episode of 6 Feet Under the other day and the death in the beginning of the show was of a lady of about 40+ years old that dies while eating her TV dinner in front of the tv while doing a crossword puzzle. It was a week before anyone bothered to come look for her.
I mention this only because a year ago that was me. Only I cook my own food. (actually I died for a month 4 years ago and no one came to find me. but thats another story.) Im usually completely disconnected from people and therefor when this time of year comes along I just let it pass me by. (Im not a very easy person to know and even harder to understand.) But this year I met people. And did things. Some of those people and things were good for me. Most were a waist of time. In years past I knew what this time of year would bring: nothing. So thats what I always expected. And thats what I always got. I dont have enough of this Hope stuff to go around. i cant afford to waist it on silly things like hollidays.
Birthdays was the worse days/ now I sip [Jack and Coke] when Im thirst-tay
With Hope comes Want and this year, I wanted and I didnt receive. I didnt even know what to expect to receive but I did anyway. I don't even mean physical gifts. What I got? An e-mail from the parents, and I just received the card they sent me yesterday. I want to be loved, I just dont know how. (the long version of this statement is coming sometime later.) What makes this worse is that i feel like Im on the cusps of some pretty serious stuff. A possible serious relationship, some forward movement as far my music is concerned as well as other things, so my desire was already peaked. i guess I just jumped the gun. i feel like going back into my shell. Its warmer in there. Please dont think I didnt appreciate your birthday wishes. You guys are some of the most important people in my life. But that in itself is kind of depressing.
You already know how I spent my Christmas Eve and my christmas. My birthday I went to work at 7 am came home at 11:00 pm and went to bed at 2 am woke at 6:30 went to work until 7 pm. I spent 04-05 on the phone with my sister, (family news: my brother who just got out of jail is back in.) at my computer mixing a song, listening to Cannonball Adderley and drinking my roommates' Sam Adams. (they went to a strip bar. I declined. But Im now the proud owner of a free pass to the Frisky Kitty. Any takers?)
To top it all off, I didnt get my vase.
The only thing worse than getting old is not getting old.
I doesnt help that I never thought Id live to be 25. (Did anyone notice that I was talking about dying in my birthday journal? Not a coincidence.) Every since I was 13 thats how I felt. I dont know were that number came from.
I'm beginning to realize that intelligent people are perpetually depressed (You know who you are.)
R.I.P. to my friends and family that never got to see 25
Zelda, the ink on my arm and the remainder of my life is dedicated to you. Steven, I hope your son learns from your mistakes. Corey, You were a good dude. Some things Ill never understand. Crystal, I hope your uncle burns in Hell for what he did you you.
On Dec. 29 my friends mother literally dropped dead. No preexisting medical problems, no explanations. She just dropped to the floor.
Sorry to bring you down but dont think your boy is depressed or anything. By the time I hit the Update button the apathy will have set in Ill go back to acting nihilisticleeh. How can one person be so callously fragile? So openly closed?
Good news:
E-mail from grandma:
I am happy to tell you that [your brother] and [your sister in law] have decided to get back together and make a family life for themselves and [their son].They are planning to go to Oklahoma with him. They have a very nice home to live in. Their home furnishings are already there in storage.
Im glad he stopped being suck a pussy ( I hardly us that word) He lost a couple of points with me with that seven year itch shit.
Dont forget to go say hi to my new friends Kinkerbelle_69, Parikhan and Selket. If I never deleted anyone, Id have a hundred friends by now. Oh, and Im sorry my new friends have to see me like this and that you have to be attached to such a journal. You might have to press rewind if I havent blown your mind. The next one will be clever. I already made the promise and she said shed hold me
... to it.
Other good news: You boys CD is on iTunes right now! Look for Calogero Dean
Recommendations: the hook alone on Understand is worth the 99 cents, guys and girls seem to like Pep Talk and Immaculate Conception is pretty clever if i do say so myself. But theyre all my babies so I cant pick too many.
This journal wasnt suppose to be this long. But I have so much more to sa...
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
I wanted a certain manuscript for x-mas...but you don't see me complaining
cheer up
At least you made it through your birthday.
Easy to say "feel better" and I know (yes I really truly do know) how you feel. Even if it seems surface the sentiments are honest-I do wish for things to get better for you.
25 huh...
That number for me is 37. I don't think I'll die (although its a very real possibility) I just think something monumental will happen, perhaps it's the same with you? Maybe the internal change that happens will be so big that your old self will die?
It couldn't hurt to assume its something positive.
We're all sad, but at least we aren't alone.
So yeah, I didn't snag your idea. You stole it from me. You just stole it before I could execute it. Thanks for reminding me to update my mods info. Oops
So you're saying you want to stay home and talk to me? Well, where you at?!
You know I know nothing about music, why on earth would I know who any of those people are?
Anyone ever tell you you're damn fine? *Makes out with you*