I'm gonna be constructive today and give you all something you can apply to your lives: some of my mad cooking skills. And indeed, they pay the mad cooking bills. Thus, here is a recipe for your enjoyment and edification.
LEMONADE
Now this may be different from a lemonade recipe passed down from your grandma or aunt or local VFD member, but this is the ONLY acceptible method of lemonade preparation, and this is because this recipe was given to me by CARNIES. No, I'm not kidding, this is honest-to-goodness carny lemonade. Here's what you'll need:
A pitcher (what for putting the lemonade in)
About 4 or 5 lemons
Water (cold)
A 5 lb. bag of sugar (you won't have to use the whole thing, but you should have exra on hand just in case)
1) Get your lemons all together, and roll those suckers in between your hands like some kind of citrus stress-ball. This makes them juicier.
2) Get out a cutting board and a BIG CLEAVER. Seriously, I've had to do this without a cleaver and it SUCKS. Now line up your lemons on the cutting board and pretend they are the heads of the infidel, about to be cleft in two. This step is important, and if you cut them with the wrong "feeling" they will SUCK.
3) Squeeze the lemons into the pitcher getting all that juice out of there. Don't use some pussy juicer, use your own hands, any other way is the way of the weak. Even though the carnies themselves use those big chrome juicer things, thats just because they have to make like 500 pitchers of lemonade a day, and nobody is up to that. Also, they are professionals.
4) There should be some seeds and pulp and stuff in with the lemon juice, if there isn't, put some in there. Also throw some of those mashed up lemons into the mix, it gives it CHARACTER.
5) Now is the time for the sugar. Throw out your sissy measuring cups and just visualize it like this: Those seeds and bits of pulp are the "enemies" of the Khmer Rouge (read: anyone living in the vicinity of the Khmer Rouge) and you are Pol Pot. The sugar is lye, and you have to pour it on the prostrate masses. In other words, dump about half the 5 pound bag in there. If you think it might be too much, add some more.
6) Now, realizing that the Khmer Rouge were commie pinko cocksuckers, drown their legacy away with plenty of cleansing water. Just enough to get to about the top of the pitcher.
7) There should still be some undissolved sugar at the bottom. If there isn't, add more. If there is, stir with the vengeance of the Odinson and make the sugar dissolve. Look! MAGIC.
8) The "lemonade" should now have the coloration of slightly yellow murky water. If its "clear" then you didn't add enough sugar. Now chill and serve with freshly slaughtered meat. Or frozen meat. Doesn't much matter, so long as its meat.
There, now you know something you didn't know before. That makes me useful. Chicks dig useful guys who can cook and stuff.
LEMONADE
Now this may be different from a lemonade recipe passed down from your grandma or aunt or local VFD member, but this is the ONLY acceptible method of lemonade preparation, and this is because this recipe was given to me by CARNIES. No, I'm not kidding, this is honest-to-goodness carny lemonade. Here's what you'll need:
A pitcher (what for putting the lemonade in)
About 4 or 5 lemons
Water (cold)
A 5 lb. bag of sugar (you won't have to use the whole thing, but you should have exra on hand just in case)
1) Get your lemons all together, and roll those suckers in between your hands like some kind of citrus stress-ball. This makes them juicier.
2) Get out a cutting board and a BIG CLEAVER. Seriously, I've had to do this without a cleaver and it SUCKS. Now line up your lemons on the cutting board and pretend they are the heads of the infidel, about to be cleft in two. This step is important, and if you cut them with the wrong "feeling" they will SUCK.
3) Squeeze the lemons into the pitcher getting all that juice out of there. Don't use some pussy juicer, use your own hands, any other way is the way of the weak. Even though the carnies themselves use those big chrome juicer things, thats just because they have to make like 500 pitchers of lemonade a day, and nobody is up to that. Also, they are professionals.
4) There should be some seeds and pulp and stuff in with the lemon juice, if there isn't, put some in there. Also throw some of those mashed up lemons into the mix, it gives it CHARACTER.
5) Now is the time for the sugar. Throw out your sissy measuring cups and just visualize it like this: Those seeds and bits of pulp are the "enemies" of the Khmer Rouge (read: anyone living in the vicinity of the Khmer Rouge) and you are Pol Pot. The sugar is lye, and you have to pour it on the prostrate masses. In other words, dump about half the 5 pound bag in there. If you think it might be too much, add some more.
6) Now, realizing that the Khmer Rouge were commie pinko cocksuckers, drown their legacy away with plenty of cleansing water. Just enough to get to about the top of the pitcher.
7) There should still be some undissolved sugar at the bottom. If there isn't, add more. If there is, stir with the vengeance of the Odinson and make the sugar dissolve. Look! MAGIC.
8) The "lemonade" should now have the coloration of slightly yellow murky water. If its "clear" then you didn't add enough sugar. Now chill and serve with freshly slaughtered meat. Or frozen meat. Doesn't much matter, so long as its meat.
There, now you know something you didn't know before. That makes me useful. Chicks dig useful guys who can cook and stuff.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
i'm sure there should be vodka in there somewhere.
oh yeah, carnies. i'll use brake fluid instead.
i did copy out the recipe. gonna give it a try this summer. bitter cold doesn't really put me in a lemonade drinking mood.
i used to get invited to parties all the time, just 'cos people wanted to see what i'd do or say next. you get to feel kinda pressured after awhile.
by the way, i really appreciated your Pol Pot referrence. the first car i got when i was 16, i tore the head off a little toy man, mounted it on a toothpick, and stuck it in the dashboard. my friends asked what it was for, and i told them that my dashboard was going to be a diorama showcasing Man's Inhumanity To Man, and that i was starting out with a representation of the Killing Fields.
they believed me. i'd really just been fucking around.
[Edited on Jan 13, 2003]