Yeah, I know I put up an entry this morning earlier, but this is a SPECIAL almost Thanksgiving entry! Coz for Thanksgiving, its story time. Ever read that Brother's Grimm folktale Iron Hans? If you haven't, don't, it sucks and is total pussy crap. If you did, then you already realize this. Well, for a folktales class (shazam for Literature requirements) I ended up re-writing it for bonus points. I took out all the stupid crap and made it better. My version is renamed THE IRON SAVIOR (coz German power metal is cooler than German folktales). Eviscerate at will!
In a far off land there was a haunted wood. The people feared to venture forth into its noisome abyss, as all who entered were forevermore trapped within its confines, never to be heard from again. After a time, the emperor whose empire bordered this wood deemed that he should have possession of the wood and all that lay within, as it would provide an excellent thoroughfare between his and other kingdoms. Thusly he sent his troopers into the blasted land to uncover the mysteries of its squamous charge. When his army returned it was not bearing the corpse of a mighty beast, however, they returned instead with the largest machine the emperor had ever seen. It looked as a man, but made of metal instead of flesh, and standing easily as tall as his palace. The machines Cyclopean maw was crusted over with the blood and entrails of all those who had gone missing in the forest and the king was shocked beyond belief at the monstrosity which lay before him. Fearful of the reawakening of the terrible machine, the king ordered it cast into a pit, with a grating of the strongest steel placed overtop. And such it was and so it would have stayed, had the kings only son not been playing about the grating.
Dropping his cherished golden orb into the darksome chasm, the young prince moaned and bewailed his fate, for the golden orb was more precious to him than any other trinket or bauble in all the kingdom. As he was lamenting his dire fate, he suddenly could hear an unfamiliar voice. It beckoned to him to open the grating and allow the Iron Savior freed, and his orb would be returned to him. Hearkening to this voice which the boy heard inside the very core of his mind, he went directly to the winch operating the grating and slowly cranked it open. After many minutes, the grating was removed and first one, then two titan hands gripped the sides of the pit and the Iron Savior thrust itself upwards. Handing the orb back to the boy, it told him that should he ever be in need of any single thing to simply come to the haunted wood and he would be there to assist him.
Needless to say the emperor was infuriated at the insolence of his son. He was cast forth from the empire with little but the clothes on his back and forced to make his way in a brave new world. After a time, he came upon a neighboring kingdom and was able to find employ as a stable-hand at the royal ranch. Day after day the princess came to ride upon her horse of titanium white, but day after day the prince-turned-stable-hand simply longed after her from afar. Many years passed in this manner until eventually, as fate would have it, the stable-hands father declared war on his sons adopted home. The forces of the emperor would surely overwhelm this small kingdoms defenses, and the stable-boy knew this. Realizing that simply fighting in the war was akin to suicide, he set forth without a moments hesitation to the lich-haunted wood. Calling for the Iron Savior, the boy was soon thrown asunder by mammoth quaking as the earth split in two, revealing the Iron Savior crawling up from his subterranean lair. Asking for the assistance of this savior machine, the automaton responded that he would be all too willing to assist the boy, but that remittance would be required after the deed was done. The boy heartily agreed, and was soon secured in the vast chassis of the wonder of science.
The battle was soon joined, and the prince arrived just in time. The emperors forces had just then broken through the last line of defense and were making fast for the kings stronghold. With one mighty sweep, the Iron Savior was able to dash the entire front line of the opposing army asunder, their broken bodies lying twisted and bleeding in the hot afternoon sun. Seeing their comrades blood spilt by this mechanized terror, the rest soon turned heel and fled, being pursued the entire length and breadth of the kingdom by the Iron Savior with the prince inside. Finally arriving at the boys childhood home, the Iron Savior mightily smote the emperors castle and all within, ending their tyrannical reign.
Returning to his new home, the prince revealed himself and his newfound ally. The king consented on the spot to giving the prince his daughters hand in wedlock, however there was still the issue of the Iron Saviors remittance. With eyes glazed over in abject fear, the Iron Savior made its way into the garden where the king and his court now presided, still masticating the remains of the empires men. With each gruesome bite the creature took he seemed to grow more and more powerful, if such a thing was possible. As for his final payment, he took the princess held in such high esteem, and devoured her whole. The prince, crestfallen, clambered up the monstrositys chassis and plunged headlong into the abyss, to be one with his beloved in death. And so it was and so it is, when man relies too greatly on strange machines for his victory as opposed to the strength of his blade he often must pay with that which he values most.
I hope you all enjoyed that magical fun story for the holidays. And if you didn't, then you are obviously too stupid to understand the postive qualities of a flesh eating sentient robot.
In a far off land there was a haunted wood. The people feared to venture forth into its noisome abyss, as all who entered were forevermore trapped within its confines, never to be heard from again. After a time, the emperor whose empire bordered this wood deemed that he should have possession of the wood and all that lay within, as it would provide an excellent thoroughfare between his and other kingdoms. Thusly he sent his troopers into the blasted land to uncover the mysteries of its squamous charge. When his army returned it was not bearing the corpse of a mighty beast, however, they returned instead with the largest machine the emperor had ever seen. It looked as a man, but made of metal instead of flesh, and standing easily as tall as his palace. The machines Cyclopean maw was crusted over with the blood and entrails of all those who had gone missing in the forest and the king was shocked beyond belief at the monstrosity which lay before him. Fearful of the reawakening of the terrible machine, the king ordered it cast into a pit, with a grating of the strongest steel placed overtop. And such it was and so it would have stayed, had the kings only son not been playing about the grating.
Dropping his cherished golden orb into the darksome chasm, the young prince moaned and bewailed his fate, for the golden orb was more precious to him than any other trinket or bauble in all the kingdom. As he was lamenting his dire fate, he suddenly could hear an unfamiliar voice. It beckoned to him to open the grating and allow the Iron Savior freed, and his orb would be returned to him. Hearkening to this voice which the boy heard inside the very core of his mind, he went directly to the winch operating the grating and slowly cranked it open. After many minutes, the grating was removed and first one, then two titan hands gripped the sides of the pit and the Iron Savior thrust itself upwards. Handing the orb back to the boy, it told him that should he ever be in need of any single thing to simply come to the haunted wood and he would be there to assist him.
Needless to say the emperor was infuriated at the insolence of his son. He was cast forth from the empire with little but the clothes on his back and forced to make his way in a brave new world. After a time, he came upon a neighboring kingdom and was able to find employ as a stable-hand at the royal ranch. Day after day the princess came to ride upon her horse of titanium white, but day after day the prince-turned-stable-hand simply longed after her from afar. Many years passed in this manner until eventually, as fate would have it, the stable-hands father declared war on his sons adopted home. The forces of the emperor would surely overwhelm this small kingdoms defenses, and the stable-boy knew this. Realizing that simply fighting in the war was akin to suicide, he set forth without a moments hesitation to the lich-haunted wood. Calling for the Iron Savior, the boy was soon thrown asunder by mammoth quaking as the earth split in two, revealing the Iron Savior crawling up from his subterranean lair. Asking for the assistance of this savior machine, the automaton responded that he would be all too willing to assist the boy, but that remittance would be required after the deed was done. The boy heartily agreed, and was soon secured in the vast chassis of the wonder of science.
The battle was soon joined, and the prince arrived just in time. The emperors forces had just then broken through the last line of defense and were making fast for the kings stronghold. With one mighty sweep, the Iron Savior was able to dash the entire front line of the opposing army asunder, their broken bodies lying twisted and bleeding in the hot afternoon sun. Seeing their comrades blood spilt by this mechanized terror, the rest soon turned heel and fled, being pursued the entire length and breadth of the kingdom by the Iron Savior with the prince inside. Finally arriving at the boys childhood home, the Iron Savior mightily smote the emperors castle and all within, ending their tyrannical reign.
Returning to his new home, the prince revealed himself and his newfound ally. The king consented on the spot to giving the prince his daughters hand in wedlock, however there was still the issue of the Iron Saviors remittance. With eyes glazed over in abject fear, the Iron Savior made its way into the garden where the king and his court now presided, still masticating the remains of the empires men. With each gruesome bite the creature took he seemed to grow more and more powerful, if such a thing was possible. As for his final payment, he took the princess held in such high esteem, and devoured her whole. The prince, crestfallen, clambered up the monstrositys chassis and plunged headlong into the abyss, to be one with his beloved in death. And so it was and so it is, when man relies too greatly on strange machines for his victory as opposed to the strength of his blade he often must pay with that which he values most.
I hope you all enjoyed that magical fun story for the holidays. And if you didn't, then you are obviously too stupid to understand the postive qualities of a flesh eating sentient robot.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
penelopelee:
i didn't suggest the holding hands part. I SWEAR.
ika13:
Haha, you so crazy, Penny! If any of you Pittsburgh-living tools had been on Wednesday afternoon or evening you could have come to the totally sweet Incredibly Strange Video Thanksgiving death death double feature...but its OK by me, I got to win a $10 gift certificate and watch movies about kids cutting their mom's heads off with hatchets and you got to be bored, so THERE.