I read this on steveo.com and thought it was pretty hilarious. enjoy.
How To Get Laid When You're Famous
Febuary 4, 2006
Every famous man is familiar with the "I'm Not A Groupie Speech"-- it consists of a female civilian trying to tell a male celebrity that she is not a ho, tramp, or slut. It's almost as if these people actually believe that you would want to wile away hours of your life in their company, without having sex. It's pretty unbelievable, but it happens all the time.
When confronted by a woman vowing never to become a "notch in your belt", try everything in your power not to yell, "Fuck off!", because nine out of ten times you can still fuck her. That is, of course, provided that you don't do anything so foolish as to agree to spend time with her without being sexually gratified.
None of this is meant, in any way, to be offensive towards women at large. It's about sluts and, to deliver any form of the "I'm Not A Groupie Speech", you must be a slut. Respectable women would never discuss such a thing, let alone in the hotel room of a celebrity.
When you're famous and in a bar, there tend to be hot, slutty chicks all over the place, and not much time for the "interview process". When faced with this situation night after night, remember never to lose your focus. You've got to get laid or you'll lose respect from your fans, co-workers and, most importantly, yourself. You know what not to do. That never changes. It's what to do that is the variable.
Sometimes you can get away with bluntly inquiring, "So, what are the chances of me fucking you tonight?", but it's generally not a good idea, you might wind up getting more than you bargained for. I used to go with a more conservative offer to display my incredible talents in the field of masturbation, citing that, when I rub my cock, it's like Eddie Van Halen doing a guitar solo. Although that approach was less invasive and sometimes successful, it often seemed to significantly creep out even the sluttiest of bitches. Whatever carrot you choose to dangle, remember, you're not inviting her back to your hotel room to check her e-mail and she needs to know that.
It is not important how many girls you "interview". If anything, it's better to negotiate sex with as many hoes as possible, remember, girls are competitive by nature and sluts even moreso. Comments like, "Can you believe that chick just told me that she wouldn't give me a banana massage tonight?" will be very helpful. Give them an easy score to beat. Once you've got verbal confirmation of a guaranteed happy ending, it's time to get back to the hotel with your new friend.
Even when things are going great back at the hotel, you can expect an inevitable bomb to drop. The bitch is going to say, "I bet you do this all the time, don't you." Hopefully you've already nailed her because, if you haven't, you're going to have to field the question. Your answer doesn't require the "offended" posture that is called for when a girlfriend or wife accuses you of cheating on her. You should be able to sell your denial by casually claiming to have "just ended a long-term relationship". Remember, you are the victim.
When you're done fucking, it's time to get this tramp out of your room. There are different methods to accomplish this. One is to offer to call the front desk and have them get her a cab. Even though you're rich, be careful about giving her cab money. That might make her feel like a hooker. Another highly efficient approach is to realize how late it is and candidly inform her that she must leave, without providing any explanation as to why. Everyone loves a man of mystery. An approach that I've never heard of failing is, "I'm tired, I'm going to crash. What are you going to do?"
Now that you've finally got some privacy, it's up to you how you want to break the news. The act of having sex has just become virtually irrelevant compared to bragging to your co-workers about it. Nothing spreads joy to the bros like video evidence of a kill captured slyly during the act. However you go about it, be sure to give yourself credit for having sexual intercourse. You just got laid and, that's damn right, you should be proud of yourself.
Steve-O
How To Get Laid When You're Famous
Febuary 4, 2006
Every famous man is familiar with the "I'm Not A Groupie Speech"-- it consists of a female civilian trying to tell a male celebrity that she is not a ho, tramp, or slut. It's almost as if these people actually believe that you would want to wile away hours of your life in their company, without having sex. It's pretty unbelievable, but it happens all the time.
When confronted by a woman vowing never to become a "notch in your belt", try everything in your power not to yell, "Fuck off!", because nine out of ten times you can still fuck her. That is, of course, provided that you don't do anything so foolish as to agree to spend time with her without being sexually gratified.
None of this is meant, in any way, to be offensive towards women at large. It's about sluts and, to deliver any form of the "I'm Not A Groupie Speech", you must be a slut. Respectable women would never discuss such a thing, let alone in the hotel room of a celebrity.
When you're famous and in a bar, there tend to be hot, slutty chicks all over the place, and not much time for the "interview process". When faced with this situation night after night, remember never to lose your focus. You've got to get laid or you'll lose respect from your fans, co-workers and, most importantly, yourself. You know what not to do. That never changes. It's what to do that is the variable.
Sometimes you can get away with bluntly inquiring, "So, what are the chances of me fucking you tonight?", but it's generally not a good idea, you might wind up getting more than you bargained for. I used to go with a more conservative offer to display my incredible talents in the field of masturbation, citing that, when I rub my cock, it's like Eddie Van Halen doing a guitar solo. Although that approach was less invasive and sometimes successful, it often seemed to significantly creep out even the sluttiest of bitches. Whatever carrot you choose to dangle, remember, you're not inviting her back to your hotel room to check her e-mail and she needs to know that.
It is not important how many girls you "interview". If anything, it's better to negotiate sex with as many hoes as possible, remember, girls are competitive by nature and sluts even moreso. Comments like, "Can you believe that chick just told me that she wouldn't give me a banana massage tonight?" will be very helpful. Give them an easy score to beat. Once you've got verbal confirmation of a guaranteed happy ending, it's time to get back to the hotel with your new friend.
Even when things are going great back at the hotel, you can expect an inevitable bomb to drop. The bitch is going to say, "I bet you do this all the time, don't you." Hopefully you've already nailed her because, if you haven't, you're going to have to field the question. Your answer doesn't require the "offended" posture that is called for when a girlfriend or wife accuses you of cheating on her. You should be able to sell your denial by casually claiming to have "just ended a long-term relationship". Remember, you are the victim.
When you're done fucking, it's time to get this tramp out of your room. There are different methods to accomplish this. One is to offer to call the front desk and have them get her a cab. Even though you're rich, be careful about giving her cab money. That might make her feel like a hooker. Another highly efficient approach is to realize how late it is and candidly inform her that she must leave, without providing any explanation as to why. Everyone loves a man of mystery. An approach that I've never heard of failing is, "I'm tired, I'm going to crash. What are you going to do?"
Now that you've finally got some privacy, it's up to you how you want to break the news. The act of having sex has just become virtually irrelevant compared to bragging to your co-workers about it. Nothing spreads joy to the bros like video evidence of a kill captured slyly during the act. However you go about it, be sure to give yourself credit for having sexual intercourse. You just got laid and, that's damn right, you should be proud of yourself.
Steve-O
evilbully:
