igordog

...a dark turn in my mood... stupid fears from old ghosts coming out to haunt me... ghosts that betrayed me, ghosts that seethed bitter hate at me, ghosts that abandoned me for other men and women, ghosts that once enjoyed my loving touch and later recoiled from it, ghosts who used me as a weapon to hurt other people, and apathetic ghosts who never even cared about me in the first place...

The Night Crazies...
That's what I used to call it... they only ever come out late at night when the malfunctioning parts of my head get the best of me...

This is when my perspective gets occulted, when unfounded fears suddenly outweigh my intellect and resolve.


In the past when I would feel these things, I'd imagine myself in Roatan... it was an Island off Honduras. Beautiful and unspoiled.
There was a hurricane while I was there... it beached yachts and sunk boats while I stood there alone in the rain and watched them go under the water.

The rain, the wind, the waves, the sounds...

The storm stopped the world... no cars driving, no boats sailing, no birds, no planes, and no people at all anywhere...

It was like everything stopped and let the storm have it's say...


My Stupid fucking screwed-on-backwards head... it just wont let me off easy tonight... I need a hurricane to blow through and clear out all the crap...

I'm so very lonely right now. I've had to leave all I've worked towards for the past twelve years. I had to leave it behind in order to save myself from drowning...
I left my wife, my home, and my inherited family of in-law nieces and parents.

I still wake up lost at times. Not knowing why I'm not in my old bed... feeling like I somehow must have sleepwalked and woken up in the wrong place...


I'm so very lonely tonight... but upon reflection, I suppose that that isn't a manifestation of an unhealthy brain...
I suppose it's what I'm supposed to be feeling right now... Sad for my loss and lonely for some unrealized dream for the future that never manifested...

I don't really long at all for the things I've left behind... Nothing would ever make me consider going back to it for even a moment.
My release from that imprisonment was like bursting from a cocoon...
But none-the-less, it feels as if there was an empty space in my heart now... even though it had previously filled with poison and cancer, there is a void left after the removal of my old life...


I long for my new sweet love, the unlikely woman who only just stumbled into my life a paltry fifteen days ago...
I ardor every aspect of her being... our unlikely meeting followed by an unexpected passion and love.
I wish she was in my arms right now.

I wouldn't try to stuff her in the scarred hole left in my heart, but rather just hold her near until the ache of loss subsided.
I want her to start fresh with me, start a new life with me, and go down a new path... some path into a dark wooded future of mystery and bravery...
Whether or not that path leads to heartbreak or unprecedented love, I'll go down it anyway... I don't fear what might happen in my future anywhere near as much as I fear what has happened in my past...
The beauty of unknown possibilities outshines the stagnant securuties available in my former life.

Again, I long for my angel. She has awoken mee... she has reminded me that I am beautiful and worthy of love...
She has cast light upon aspects of my soul that I thought had been lost to time forever...

But her love, as healing as it is, can't chase away the ghosts tonight... I feel like crying... I feel like huddeling in a corner and becoming invisible...


I wouldn't want her to have to see me weak and vulnerable like this... I don't want her to take care of me. I don't want her to become my nurse, or my therapist. I don't want her to be a band-aid while I'm in pain.

But I do want her with me right now.
I love her to no end, and I wish she was with me in my arms.
I know that a single smile from her lips, or a single sincere admission of her love for me, or yet still -a single look from her penetrating eyes; would brighten my soul to such an extent that the shadows in the corners of my psyche would wither and wilt.

I'll blink away the welling pressure I feel behind my eyes. I'll turn out the lights and I'll close my eyes now...

The ghosts will try to keep me awake all night, but I'll imagine myself on that little island standing within the vortex of that incredible storm. I'll imagine myself standing there... I'll pretend that my new love is there with me.

And the entire world will stop... just me, her, and an atom bomb worth of turbulence whirling around us.
The rain will pour dowm in torrents of water, the houses will flatten beneath the wind, and the waves will crash towards us -climbing up stairs and over walls to touch our feet before reseeding to the sea again...

I hope she doesn't mind me kidnapping her and putting her in my dream... but that's where I'd like to see her right now. With me, sharing a threshold moment from my past... a moment of magnitude far grater than the paltry ennui and angst of impotent ghosts...

I hope she reads this. I hope she understands me. I hope she'll come to my arms soon and rest her head on my chest and tell me she loves me. I hope she melts at my words and shudders in excitement at the touch of my lips... I hope she'll open herself to me, and let me within her, and hold me until the world stops...

I love you Raynn...