Too much information? get over it. 
What a night. I couldn't eat all day yesterday. I just munch on pretzels. It felt like something was sitting there eating away at my stomch the whole day. All I thought of was escape, but nothing engaged me. Then there was M who finally made me eat. M is in love now and really it's good for me to see someone I'm close to in love. Genuinely in a love that is returned just as stongly. It kind of brought that feeling in my stomach to a climax though. Because it stirred up my fears listening to her talk. I went home, instead of to the bar in Crookfield where I would see people I didn't want to see but where I would find one I did want to see for all of the wrong reasons.
I crawled into bed my entire boy aching for rest from thinking with feeling. I couldn't sleep though. My mind kept racing first about seeing E turn her back on herself in the name of a nice emotionally unaware male who happens to make a lot of money. In fact, the only thing about him that ever makes her smile seems to be this very fact. Then since E like myself reatined herself despite our growing u surrounded by people who one by one didn't succumb to death, or drugs, or just get shattered by physical abuse, rape, or psycholgical terrorizing. They all pured back into my head. It's been years that I avoided all but the people who survived that period, but I have to say it came back with a vengeance. As I couldn't stop feeling them all again and in particular since I found out last weekend that an ex of mine had been raped by the very person she lost her virginity to over a decade ago (apparently he thought he owned it forever afterward) The memories just kept coming like ghosts. I could barely keep my food down, but I did and shed a few tears instead.
I awoke and my body is numb from exhaustion. My mind is receptive in all ways but sharp as well. I'm glad I felt all of them again. I'm glad I didn't go have a drink to try and stuff it all down. I'm glad I didn't get one of my headaches that just seems to keep me from feeling anything.
I feel more whle than I have in a long time. Perhaps I just needed to hear the memories of everyone screaming and to not hang my head or turn away. Perhaps I just needed to show myself that I can handle it.
And now I think I'll go make plans for lunch.
What a night. I couldn't eat all day yesterday. I just munch on pretzels. It felt like something was sitting there eating away at my stomch the whole day. All I thought of was escape, but nothing engaged me. Then there was M who finally made me eat. M is in love now and really it's good for me to see someone I'm close to in love. Genuinely in a love that is returned just as stongly. It kind of brought that feeling in my stomach to a climax though. Because it stirred up my fears listening to her talk. I went home, instead of to the bar in Crookfield where I would see people I didn't want to see but where I would find one I did want to see for all of the wrong reasons.
I crawled into bed my entire boy aching for rest from thinking with feeling. I couldn't sleep though. My mind kept racing first about seeing E turn her back on herself in the name of a nice emotionally unaware male who happens to make a lot of money. In fact, the only thing about him that ever makes her smile seems to be this very fact. Then since E like myself reatined herself despite our growing u surrounded by people who one by one didn't succumb to death, or drugs, or just get shattered by physical abuse, rape, or psycholgical terrorizing. They all pured back into my head. It's been years that I avoided all but the people who survived that period, but I have to say it came back with a vengeance. As I couldn't stop feeling them all again and in particular since I found out last weekend that an ex of mine had been raped by the very person she lost her virginity to over a decade ago (apparently he thought he owned it forever afterward) The memories just kept coming like ghosts. I could barely keep my food down, but I did and shed a few tears instead.
I awoke and my body is numb from exhaustion. My mind is receptive in all ways but sharp as well. I'm glad I felt all of them again. I'm glad I didn't go have a drink to try and stuff it all down. I'm glad I didn't get one of my headaches that just seems to keep me from feeling anything.
I feel more whle than I have in a long time. Perhaps I just needed to hear the memories of everyone screaming and to not hang my head or turn away. Perhaps I just needed to show myself that I can handle it.
And now I think I'll go make plans for lunch.