ifyoushowmeyours

ah, seattle.

i had an amazing time; wandering around a place you've never been can be extraordinarily exhilarating. i have always been a "planner"... often to the extreme, as in: planning each day out hour by hour. so, my goal was to plan as little as possible. many days were left to spur of the moment decisions, entering various establishments on a whim, and allowing myself to truly go with the proverbial flow.

while i sincerely enjoyed my alone time, i was lucky enough to keep some incredible company this past week. from old friends to new smiles, it was interesting to see how those i care about have grown and adapted. this, of course, sent me into a bit of a self-analyzation dither... so, i shall share with you, some of the writing i did the first day of my trip. i didn't write as much as i would have liked, but maybe some of my thoughts will resonate with you. if you'd like more, let me know...

"i wonder if they can tell.

these people, i wonder if they can see that i'm changing. do the trees know, does the wonderful grey sky perceive my turning?

well, what makes these people different from the ones i so often find crowding against me on the 6 train at rush hour? despite their slow walking, these people seem to know how to breathe: deeper, cleaner, coffee-er.

i want to know what he's not reading. this man, very much how i dream the average...erm... Satellite (yes, that is what i shall call them)...to look sits in front of his open book, coffee, napkin, elbows on table, hands folded, chin resting. he doesn't feel the need to partake in his obviously planned activity. rather, he stares, openly out the wall of windows to the moving grey; not yet wet and just after beginning.

i think i look like i could live here. this never happens to me. it's been almost five years, and i only just now feel as though i look like new york. a woman just sneezed. instead of an awkward whispered sentiment of blessing, a resounding "bless you" echoes, unapologetically. i'm not falling in love yet, just noting the differences. a girl just sneezed...silence.

i keep making eye contact. this girl, who looks like we should have encountered one another in sg chat, keeps looking. i'm wearing plaid and Chanel and don't know where i fit, yet jet black hair, hot pink lids, and two lower lip studs is looking at me. i wonder who i'll meet here. i can't say myself, as i consider her to be my traveling companion.

he's reading now, the staring Satellite, and he looks less like a lumber jack.

people keep getting up to use the restroom or get more coffee. this is normal, accept there is no disdainful collection of belongings. instead, they leave their things, without hesitation. how can you possibly feel that comfortable? it would be so painfully easy to steal. its not that i want to, i'm just trained to think this way. maybe its true: 'i'm a new yorker, fear is my life.'

there's so much plaid. it's more than irony, more than a trend. it just is.

day one. it occurs to me that maybe i'm wasting my time with this leisurely latte consumption and written observations. i had therapy on monday, i shouldn't be this think-y. i felt 'happy' then. i still have the same feeling, more or less. i think its excitement? openness?

i've seen two 'south pacific' posters on the wall in cafe vita, and it strikes me as odd. that is a piece of my home, of my family, of my one time goals, and all the time nerdiness, sitting here 'hanging' (hah) out, waiting for my arrival. welcome.

another girl sneezes. she's the closest to my table. i decide i should guarantee a lack of blessed silence and want to take the plunge, but it comes out a new york whisper. she sneezes thrice, i only bless twice.

i've been here nearly an hour.

the pierced Satellite has a film scheduling book out, colored pencils, a ruler, lining some paper. it makes me want to know her more. my hand is cramping; i don't usually write this much.

the staring Satellite was reading for a bit, but is back to staring, this time book closed. after several seconds of squinting and trying to improve my eye sight, i see that he's reading 'dying inside'. i wonder if that's how he feels, what spurs the staring...

i love the way people look here: a little more tweed, a little more plaid, a lot more cozy, and a little less mad.

i think i should get going. i plan on walking to the water, but then i'm not really sure. uncertainty is turning out to be a wonderful feeling.

i just caught the pierced Satellite staring at me and it makes me even more curious. oy, torn.

the first Satellite to sneeze is now mouthing the words along with 'material girl'. the music choice strikes me as odd, but her action is perfect. someone is humming harmony."