How to turn a banal conversation into a surreal event, a guide:
Someone Else: Hey!
ME: Hey.
Someone Else: So....how're things?
ME: I'll have you know I'm feeling very depressed
Someone Else: Oh that's goo...wait, what? Oh? How come?
ME: I need a reason? Christ get off my back!
Someone Else: Well yeah, you need a reason. Otherwise it's just you being morose and glum..er...for...none....
ME: Ok then, I'm studying to become Marvin.
Someone Else: Marvin?!
ME: Yes, Marvin.
Someone Else: ...
ME: ....
Someone Else:...And he is?...
ME: The robot from the Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy.
Someone Else: ...
ME: He's a manicly depressed robot. He's my personal hero.
Someone Else: You're making it up. Aren't you.
ME: Why should I want to make anything up? Life's bad enough as it is without trying to invent any more of it.
Someone Else: That's witty.
ME: I'm rather depressed you liked it.
Someone Else: What?
ME: Kinda like 'I'm happy you liked it', y'know, without the happy part.
Someone Else: You've gotten very weird.
ME: Is there anything else you would like me to do besides update you on my emotional rollercoaster? Perhaps there is a piece of paper you would like me to pick up? Or maybe you would like me to stick my head in a bucket of water? Would you like that? I have a bucket right here. I can do it if you like?
Someone Else: No, err, that's ok...
ME: *Gurgling noises* There. I did it. Don't mention it. Oh, you didn't.
Someone Else: What are you doing now?! Why are you lying face down on the ground?!
ME: Because it's a very effective way of being wretched.
Someone Else: Oh come on now, get up!
ME: Why stop now just when I'm hating it?
Someone Else: Umm...listen I best be off..
ME: I'm not getting you down at all, am I?
Someone Else: What? No..but..
ME: I'd hate to think I'm getting you down.
Someone Else: No, honestly it's ok...err, you seen Carol?
ME: That girl? No. Not that I would want to. She's about as pretty as an airport.
Someone Else: Well she..wait, what? Pretty as an airport? What the hell does that mean?
ME: In no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
Someone Else: Well...yes..
ME: Hence the phrase I uttered. Would you like me to repeat it for you? I won't like that. But I can do it if you want.
Someone Else: No, I really must be...
ME: "That girl? No. Not that I would want to. She's about as pretty as an airport."
Someone Else: ...off, so I'll chat to you soon. Later.
ME: Right, well go on then. Leave me. They all do. I'll just sit here in the corner and rot.
Someone Else: What corner, there arent' any corners.
ME: Figures. Just when you think life can't get any worse, it does. I can't catch a break.
Someone Else: So why the hell are you doing this? Is it some form of masochism? Are you clinically depressed? Is it some unbalanced chemicals in your brain?
ME: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Someone Else: So why be Marvin? Why not be original?
ME: Because plaguirsm is faster and involves less effort. I'm working on a side project of becoming the laziest man in existance.
Someone Else: And how's that coming along?
ME: I haven't started yet.
Someone Else: So how come you're around here anyway?
ME: I've been waiting here to talk to you.
Someone ELse: What? Waiting here? At my office?
ME: I know, pathethic isn't it?
Someone Else: How long?
ME: 10 hours, 31 minutes and 23 seconds. I counted it.The first two hours were the worst, and the second two hours, they were the worst too. The third two hours I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of decline. The best conversation I had was over 7 hours ago. And that was with a coffee machine.
Someone Else: Erm. Listen it's been a blast, it really has..
ME: Don't pretend you want to talk to me, I know you hate me.
Someone Else: No I don't.
ME: Yes you do, everybody does. It's part of the shape of the Universe. I only have to talk to somebody and they begin to hate me. Even depressives hate me. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away.
Someone Else: Listen I have a task for you. How bout you take a little trip outside with security there?
ME: Is that it?
Someone Else: What? Yes!
ME: I won't like it.
Someone Else: It might take your mind off things.
ME: It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.
Someone Else: Security!
ME: What a fightfully depressing conversation that was.
Someone Else: Hey!
ME: Hey.
Someone Else: So....how're things?
ME: I'll have you know I'm feeling very depressed
Someone Else: Oh that's goo...wait, what? Oh? How come?
ME: I need a reason? Christ get off my back!
Someone Else: Well yeah, you need a reason. Otherwise it's just you being morose and glum..er...for...none....
ME: Ok then, I'm studying to become Marvin.
Someone Else: Marvin?!
ME: Yes, Marvin.
Someone Else: ...
ME: ....
Someone Else:...And he is?...
ME: The robot from the Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy.
Someone Else: ...
ME: He's a manicly depressed robot. He's my personal hero.
Someone Else: You're making it up. Aren't you.
ME: Why should I want to make anything up? Life's bad enough as it is without trying to invent any more of it.
Someone Else: That's witty.
ME: I'm rather depressed you liked it.
Someone Else: What?
ME: Kinda like 'I'm happy you liked it', y'know, without the happy part.
Someone Else: You've gotten very weird.
ME: Is there anything else you would like me to do besides update you on my emotional rollercoaster? Perhaps there is a piece of paper you would like me to pick up? Or maybe you would like me to stick my head in a bucket of water? Would you like that? I have a bucket right here. I can do it if you like?
Someone Else: No, err, that's ok...
ME: *Gurgling noises* There. I did it. Don't mention it. Oh, you didn't.
Someone Else: What are you doing now?! Why are you lying face down on the ground?!
ME: Because it's a very effective way of being wretched.
Someone Else: Oh come on now, get up!
ME: Why stop now just when I'm hating it?
Someone Else: Umm...listen I best be off..
ME: I'm not getting you down at all, am I?
Someone Else: What? No..but..
ME: I'd hate to think I'm getting you down.
Someone Else: No, honestly it's ok...err, you seen Carol?
ME: That girl? No. Not that I would want to. She's about as pretty as an airport.
Someone Else: Well she..wait, what? Pretty as an airport? What the hell does that mean?
ME: In no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
Someone Else: Well...yes..
ME: Hence the phrase I uttered. Would you like me to repeat it for you? I won't like that. But I can do it if you want.
Someone Else: No, I really must be...
ME: "That girl? No. Not that I would want to. She's about as pretty as an airport."
Someone Else: ...off, so I'll chat to you soon. Later.
ME: Right, well go on then. Leave me. They all do. I'll just sit here in the corner and rot.
Someone Else: What corner, there arent' any corners.
ME: Figures. Just when you think life can't get any worse, it does. I can't catch a break.
Someone Else: So why the hell are you doing this? Is it some form of masochism? Are you clinically depressed? Is it some unbalanced chemicals in your brain?
ME: I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
Someone Else: So why be Marvin? Why not be original?
ME: Because plaguirsm is faster and involves less effort. I'm working on a side project of becoming the laziest man in existance.
Someone Else: And how's that coming along?
ME: I haven't started yet.
Someone Else: So how come you're around here anyway?
ME: I've been waiting here to talk to you.
Someone ELse: What? Waiting here? At my office?
ME: I know, pathethic isn't it?
Someone Else: How long?
ME: 10 hours, 31 minutes and 23 seconds. I counted it.The first two hours were the worst, and the second two hours, they were the worst too. The third two hours I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of decline. The best conversation I had was over 7 hours ago. And that was with a coffee machine.
Someone Else: Erm. Listen it's been a blast, it really has..
ME: Don't pretend you want to talk to me, I know you hate me.
Someone Else: No I don't.
ME: Yes you do, everybody does. It's part of the shape of the Universe. I only have to talk to somebody and they begin to hate me. Even depressives hate me. If you just ignore me I expect I shall probably go away.
Someone Else: Listen I have a task for you. How bout you take a little trip outside with security there?
ME: Is that it?
Someone Else: What? Yes!
ME: I won't like it.
Someone Else: It might take your mind off things.
ME: It won't work, I have an exceptionally large mind.
Someone Else: Security!
ME: What a fightfully depressing conversation that was.