ichipulti

well after 10 months of taking a back seat to his friends I grabbed myself a backbone and broke up with the boy.

I have been sick the last 3 days and tonight he went out with his friend stating he would be ther for about an hour and half, just long enough to watch a movie, as long as i thought i would be okay. I was not pleased, but he was going where there i liked it or not. (she is a 40 something woman who looks like trailer trash with missing teeth and all. As well there is there 16 year old girl who is always there who has a crush on Cole)

while he was gone I decided to get up and take a shower, I had been in the same pj's for 2 days and I has been sweating a lot so I wanted to freshen up a bit. Well as soon as the warm water hit me dizzy i became. I satin the bottom of the shower until I could manage the energy to get out. My 13 year old son just came in to say goodnight and knocked on the door. He helped my towel clad body to my bed and I called the boy and asked if he was coming home soon as he had been gone for 2 1/2 hours. He told me the movie had just started, I told him what had happened and asked if he would come home, he responded with, "after my movie, I don't know why you had a shower, your a nurse and should know better". I told him I really would feel better if he came home now instead of later, he said "no, when it is done". I told him now or we were through. He said "then I guess we are done" and hung up the phone. My 13 year old son looked at me and said as I hung up the phone "he is not coming back is he, his friends are more important". All I could do was look at the phone and I knew we were through, my body when limp and i colapsed on the floor beside my bed. My son called my parents and asked them to come as he was scared. They arrived and I called the boy and asked him to drop off the key to the house and when would he be over to collect his belongings. He said in about 45 minutes. An hour later he arrived with the son of the 40 something woman to get his belongings, he hugged all 3 od my kids and told my daughter it was not goodbye. HE looked at me with sadness in his eyes and said, "maybe this time apart will do us good, maybe we need a break" . I told him it was not a break it was goodbye as long as his friends took president in his life. That he should be greatful as now he no longer had any extra committments to us and was free to all his committments to his friends who he used to run out the door as soon as one of them called, leaving me and the kids alone at home". He told me he had to dissapoint someone and someone would always be hurt. I asked him why did it always have to be me. He looked at the floor and said he was sorry i was always hurting when he did things like that, but that soon his friends would be gone and he would have no one. I told him and now he would not have me or the kids either as we had been pushed away for the people he said would leave him one day. He shrugged his shoulders and his friend's son walked in the door. I told him to knock as this was my home, Cole did not even look up at me he just said goodbye and walked out the door.

I am not sure how long I remained sitting on the stairs, I had nothing left, I could barely keep my body up as tears streamed down my face, we had such a good christmas eve and christmas but it was a fairytale and not meant to last.

Now the question is how do I ever date again without breaking my kids hearts and mine? I am way to old to keep doing this, it becomes harder to date each time around.
Right now I am teriffied, terrified I will be alone forever and at the same time terrified that if I do let someone in he will hurt us all, I am not sure which is more scary!!