"I have seen the others, and I have discovered that this fight is not worth fighting. And I've seen their mothers, and I'll will no other to follow me where I'm going... you are young, man, you must be living... go now you are forgiven..."
I finally found this song. It's been quite a while that I've sought it, and though there were many barriers between me and these words, I am responsible for most of those barriers. I knew several people I could ask to identify the song... but it wouldn't have worked like that. Not for me. The song is tied up in memory and thoughts and... and I was aware of those thoughts and memories, but only subconsciously. All I was really aware of was a desire to hear the song again.
Now that I've found it, through incredibly circuituous routes, all the other associations come flooding back into me.
I'm lying on the bed. There's the sound of the shower in the background, and I stare at the ceiling and smile. I know something in my heart, but I can't put words to it. Nightmares and demons, the very things that fire my soul and drive me forward in my life, fade and retreat in the light of all of this. In confusion, I smile, but remain unaware of how to harness these more positive emotions to make myself do and be what I need to.
I've learned a lot since then, I realize... but largely in the way that one might learn from reading. I have yet to learn these particular lessons by doing. This is one of the many reasons why I have kept myself from being happy in love, and indeed, even in some of my broader friendships.
How do I learn to love myself... or to let myself be loved? How do I hold the lighter side of things and still push myself forward with my dreams? Even now, when I exist without the comforts of love or infatuation, I remain confused. I long for these things in some way, which distracts me from my attempt to refocus on my path. Do I need to learn to no longer even desire love and companionship? That hardly seems like a viable path, though it is an option. Do I need to create an enemy (or reintroduce an old one) against which to push myself? I seem to have done best in the past when I was proving people wrong or defying those who sought to hurt and stop me. This, too, seems slightly out of keeping with trying to not bring more hate and dischord into the world. I guess, since I am my own worst enemy, I may just have to learn to talk with myself more honestly... learn to fight myself where I need to in order to burn again... and learn to be my own friend as well, so that I can figure out how to truly let others into my life without things falling apart.
I need to figure this out.
"The old general was left with his own words echoing in his head. He then prepared to fight..."
I finally found this song. It's been quite a while that I've sought it, and though there were many barriers between me and these words, I am responsible for most of those barriers. I knew several people I could ask to identify the song... but it wouldn't have worked like that. Not for me. The song is tied up in memory and thoughts and... and I was aware of those thoughts and memories, but only subconsciously. All I was really aware of was a desire to hear the song again.
Now that I've found it, through incredibly circuituous routes, all the other associations come flooding back into me.
I'm lying on the bed. There's the sound of the shower in the background, and I stare at the ceiling and smile. I know something in my heart, but I can't put words to it. Nightmares and demons, the very things that fire my soul and drive me forward in my life, fade and retreat in the light of all of this. In confusion, I smile, but remain unaware of how to harness these more positive emotions to make myself do and be what I need to.
I've learned a lot since then, I realize... but largely in the way that one might learn from reading. I have yet to learn these particular lessons by doing. This is one of the many reasons why I have kept myself from being happy in love, and indeed, even in some of my broader friendships.
How do I learn to love myself... or to let myself be loved? How do I hold the lighter side of things and still push myself forward with my dreams? Even now, when I exist without the comforts of love or infatuation, I remain confused. I long for these things in some way, which distracts me from my attempt to refocus on my path. Do I need to learn to no longer even desire love and companionship? That hardly seems like a viable path, though it is an option. Do I need to create an enemy (or reintroduce an old one) against which to push myself? I seem to have done best in the past when I was proving people wrong or defying those who sought to hurt and stop me. This, too, seems slightly out of keeping with trying to not bring more hate and dischord into the world. I guess, since I am my own worst enemy, I may just have to learn to talk with myself more honestly... learn to fight myself where I need to in order to burn again... and learn to be my own friend as well, so that I can figure out how to truly let others into my life without things falling apart.
I need to figure this out.
"The old general was left with his own words echoing in his head. He then prepared to fight..."
it is difficult for us, two of a kind. that is why we fair better as friends than as any other relation - to help each other when we find the pieces to the answers.
would you like to dicuss further? I have an opening for dinner at the Grove tomorrow if you would like to accompany me as a date (aka you take me out... cuz I am broke!
I fucking love you. You are so intelligent it almost makes me feel like I know nothing of importance... does that make sense as a compliment?
I would love to hear from you. Call me at home or email me tomorrow, I have a film interview/audition at 3:30 pm and then nothing more.. a run is in order in the AM I think.
much love. as always.