Our main office is divided into three rooms. The first room when you enter our building is a micro kitchen and bathroom. This room has multiple microwave ovens, toaster ovens, coffee makers, a full fridge and other kitchen related items. We also use some of the area in this room for equipment staging and delivery. Basically a holding place until we can deliver the equipment.
The room at the end of our building, or room three is for testing, bench work and prep work. We keep some of our inventory in it. We also have an old tube style TV. This TV is massive. Attached to this massive antique television is a Nintendo 64 with Smash Bros loaded and ready for play. Yes, we all have Play Stations, X Box’s and various Nintendo devices but on this TV we only want the Nintendo 64 and Smash Bros.
The middle room is where the magic happens. This is the heart of our office. We have three desks for the three of us that call this home. On the wall we have a 60” LED TV with surround sound speakers. We have a cable box with an unlimited channels. I mean we work for a cable company so we might as well have access to everything we offer. We also have this TV connected to a Plex server that has pretty much every movie we would ever want to watch and it keeps growing. We have a very long table in this middle room where we host guests that stop by for a visit. Either to eat or just to hang, everyone is welcome.
I have described all this detail about our office to show that it is truly a nerds paradise. And I meant what I said about visitors, come one, come all. However, we only have one rule. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO SHITTING IN OUR BUILDING! If the urge to drop a deuce happens to strike one of our visitors we politely state our policy and inform them where they can go so their little astronauts can splash down. Every now and then we have that one wayward soul that just does not take our rule seriously. For these rule breakers we have one simple plan of action. WE SET THEIR RULE BREAKING ASS ON FIRE. At this point you are probably thinking, surely he is just being figurative and not actually setting someone on fire. No, I am serious, we actually produce a large ball of fire in the room where our problem child is taking a think’n stink.
Let me break down how this works. We have a room full of people eating lunch, playing games, watching movies. One of these guests will step away from the group and go to the bathroom. We will give them a bit of time but if they take too long one of the three of us will start the ignition process. You may ask, how do we know he is not peeing? Well the lack of water on water splashes, grunting, the occasional forced fart, all of these are signs we have a rule breaker and it is time for operation fireball. So we take some form of flammable aerosol, Pam, Air freshener, even WD-40 and we spay it under the door. The bathroom has a tile floor and nothing in it is flammable. The toilet sits just inside the door and the door has about a 1” gap between the bottom and the floor. You may ask how does he not hear it being sprayed. Well, the subwoofer for the surround sound system sits on the opposite wall of the bathroom. The squatter really can’t hear much in there. So we give our chosen form of flammable gas a good 20-30 second spray and then WOOSH! What happens next is purely magical. From the bright flash we see under the door we can tell the level of success. As for the shitter, well, he has something just shy of an out of body experience as a massive ball of fire flashes directly to his left and his colon finishes it’s evacuation in about .2 seconds. This is shortly followed shouts that usually contain the phases HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU BUNCH OF CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS! To which we reply we told you this is a NO SHITTING ZONE! Once they regain their composure, wipe their ass the best they can with their shaking hands and flush to get Elvis out of the building, they exit the bathroom. Once outside they find the movies and games are paused and the whole room is in tears with laughter. Needless to say, this only has to happen once to convince anyone thinking about breaking our one rule that it is a bad idea.
Some may consider this harsh. Trust me it is all in good fun. No one gets hurt, other than pride and that will pass. This is actually one of our tamer office pranks. Maybe next time I will tell you about the case of Summers Eve douches I left on my bosses’ desk. It was complete with a huge bow and a card telling him he was the worlds biggest pussy. It stated something along the line that the vagina of the blue whale can hold six grown men. Yet compared to him that made it the second largest pussy in the world. That crazy fucker left it there for two or three months because he thought it was so funny.
I hope you enjoyed my blog and the journey into The No Shitting Zone.
