OK, so...another history of an ex. And how memories from years ago can tie with a "new" album.
Anna, exgirlfriend nickname The Heroin Addict, is definitely a big name in the list.
Anna was my little sister's best friend. A hyperactive punk rock kid with a psychotic abusive family. We'd flirted back and forth for some years, and nothing ever really came of it then, though it could have:one night coming home late from work at the video store, she was in the kitchen alone. Couldn't sleep, got up to get a drink or something. We got to our typical chitchat and I was going to be up-care to come review that latest batch of screeners I'd gotten for review? X-Men, Toy Story 2, Gladiator, something else....we were up until 7am (at which point she snuck back into my sister's room) sitting on my bed getting along great.
It took every ounce of my self control not to peek down her loose shirt or skimpy boxers, as I didn't want to make things awkward....I was seeing Amber and trying to see Sascha (funny story there, I'll tell that someday, the threesome that should not have been), she was seeing some jackass I'd gone to school with. I KNEW the fucker was running around on her (and I could have brought her the store surviellance tapes to prove it), but I decided to respect the relationships and not make a move.
One hot summer night, I'm downtown at the Cafe and some friends are going to a party at...Adam? Adam's house. I take a carfull of people and we decide to make a pit stop (so that Matt...Matt having the nickname of Weapon M, yet another tale for another ex) so that Matt can pick up his coke and we can get more booze. We arrive at Adam's, party in full swing, and some girl screaming and crying in another part of the house, apparently in REALLY bad shape and really fucked up. "Some little girl named Anna or something...."Anna?! MY ANNA!? What's happened to Anna?! The noise approaced the living room as I approached the room (to hell with them, I had to see if it was her) and she burst through a doorway right into me. "KEVIN! HOW DID YOU GET HERE I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!" She'd mixed....things, not sure what....and was beyond fucked up and scared to go home. I became her clutch cushion and alternated duties from keeping her upright and guiding her to a toilet for more vomiting. I couldn't really understand what she was talking about with her family, she spoke as though I knew things that had been going on....I'd been away from family for a while. Cops eventually show, the party is dispersed, she stays there because she can't go home. I go home and regret not forcing her out of the house so I could continue to take care of her. Too many predators there.
Later that week, I visit my sister on her birthday and Anna is there....we all do the usual chitchat routine, and my relationship status is revealed when I'm asked about the condom mess in the backseat of the car. I recount the humbling tale of my first case of truly premature ejaculation, an awkward topic with one's sister present. Anna eventually needs to get home, and she asks me to take her home, argueing with my parents over their insistance that they take her. Doesn't bother me, I was going that way anyway. We talk about "the other night" and what's been going on at home and I give her my phone number because I want to know what's happening. Pure naivity follows as I pull in:the traditional parting hug is instead met with her attacking my face and trying to kiss me. It didn't go so well since I
was pretty stunned. I ask for a second take, and we get it done properly. All the drive home, I find myself stuck on repeat:I just kissed my sister's underage best friend.
I was....18? She was 16.
The next two months are a pleasant blur. Aside from getting my sweet job back, she and I have been seeing each other regularly and doing our best to hide it from my family. There are, however, two instances in that first month that contributed to "the worst month of my life":
During the first few weeks we are dating, it's unsure if we're a couple, so I continue to play manwhore for late night deliveries of breakfast burritos to ANOTHER 16 year old. I was a booty call, rock! So one night Anna and I are at a party getting quite drunk, and we head to a back room for some fun.....as I'm finishing, suddenly the pressure feels different. I panic and hurl myself off her. It all happened as though in slow motion:as I'm pulling out and falling backwards, I'm orgasming, throbbing, and I see the tip of the condom BURST OPEN and tear down the side....too late to stop, I grasp at it to try and shield it.....too late. Too late. It sprays in a wide arc across my hand, across her backside, in the air as I'm falling and....one. glob. hits. A DIRECT hit, right in the open lips and it disappears. I PANIC.
This was the first problem in "The Worst Month Of My Life". The second problem was a message waiting for me on the phone when I got home the next morning-my other pet project was late. Two weeks late. Holy shit, I've gotten two underage girls pregnant and I'm 18.
That's not the best of it though. Anna comes to see me at work in tears-I'm thinking she's pregnant, that I hadn't saved it and her birth control hadn't kicked in-nope. She just came from the doctor....hello, STD, hello follow up appointment later in the week. She said HIV.
Follow up a few days later revealed HPV, but I was still rather displeased. I went and got myself checked out and came up clean all around. That's still a time bomb waiting, though, I thought....
Neither of them ended up pregnant.
The next two months are a pleasant blur, as we try to hide our relationship from my family. I'm eventually cornered on a visit to family, as they try to convince me to take my sister to some event that I was going to....saying that I should take her since I was going. (but I already have company) your friends like her. (it's kinda like a private date) oh, when do we meet her? (eh, you already have, you just don't know it) Sarah was going to go with Anna, but she's got a new boyfriend who she's glued to that's taking her. Do you talk to her enough to know who it is? (well, that's the funny thing, Mom, I kinda am dating Anna) *awkward silence* Ohmy.
It was rather funny how quickly it turned into trying to figure out if I'd been fucking her while living there, under their roof-no, the opportunity was there, but no. The look was pretty priceless, though:"I gotta say, Mom, thanks for convincing Anna's mother to put her on birth control. Best thing you've ever done for me"
Anna recently had cleaned up. She'd gotten in some deep shit recently, involving dealing and heroin and etc.....decided she wanted to finish school on time and go to college. She'd cut off most of her old friends, I was taking up most of her time and there for everything, I'd managed to temporarily curb her only unshakeable addiction:the wacky weed.
I'm not a total straight lace who thinks that anything that isn't legal is HORRIBLE, it's only ok if it's legal; in those days I was quite the drunkard with my drug days long dead. Never found anything in it for me, but that's another entry. But I know the hold that it can take, I saw too many friends fall, and knowing her...she has no self control. She starts down that path, she's not going to stick with something harmless. She'll want something more "just once", and then "once more", and then "something new", and then....back where she was. Or worse. She was coming up on 18, she didn't have much immunity time left. If she wanted to graduate, she couldn't slip up. If she wanted to stay at home, she couldn't slip up. More importantly to me, I knew that her addictions had been strong enough in the past to sacrifice anyone and anything for that next fix....
In love.
October....October in Florida is the most wonderful weather in America. That gets it's own entry some day. This October, though, would be rocky. An incident (fueled by a naively stupid decision by Anna, not that I ever tell her such) involving a drunk father...and some
violence...and her being thrown from home. BEATEN. Ripped out piercings, bloodied ear/nose/mouth, bruised all over...she stays with a friend. I stay with her. She sings me softly to sleep. We make a stupid mistake:she skips a halfday of school...and her parents find out, THEN they become concerned about her again and send the Five-O after me. Long drama short, she gets tossed in the looney bin by family, I'm threatened with prosecution, everything works out quickly and she's released.
let's just skip to January, when trouble begins. Everything in between is fine. Because of the dense detail, I'll have to just skim over everything.
Darren lost his job in December, so it was just my income floating the house. After almost two months of this, I had to start picking up more work...either a Friday or Saturday. The "temporary extra work" would continue and increase for the next two months, sometimes going
weeks without a night off. This left us with, at best, time for me to get her from school or to squeeze in a phone call during working hours. She'd all but dropped her old friends, leaving just the one irritating but harmless oddball.
Until she was bored suddenly.
March, Darren's birthday, a small party, she and I and two of her friends come home...they sneak off to the back rooms while I work on a cake. Whatshername is suddenly "upset about her mom" and needs to take a breater walk to the park-um, ok, you're awfully quick to tell me not to come. The phone rings after they leave and it's....someone I don't know. Looking for them. Needing "directions"? One look at Stephanie tells me that she knows something I don't, and she spills....their attempts to bribe her into making a run, trying to get
directions from her...great. A pickup. AND it's going to be brought back to Darren and I's safe house, our haven? The phone rings again...it's work. I almost didn't pick up, figuring they needed help AGAIN...nope. They're wondering why Anna is in their parking lot without me and exchanging bags in our traditional dealer's lot. They've called the cops. She gets away...and then tries to lie to me when she gets back home.
Looking back, I should have dropped it there. Aside from not being one to tolerate lies (yea, I'm used to being walked on, everyone does it), I've NEVER snapped at Darren. Ever. He claims to have never seen me in such a state.
She tried to lie to me. I drove up there and saw her for myself. "I can't trust you to trust me!" Wow, what an arguement.
"If I could move to the middle, if I could give in a little, and make it work this time. It's one thing, insistance, its one thing the distance, I'll take it in prospect. Only if
you have to, only if it's everything." Lyrics arriving in a timely situation, I felt, as I listened to Dug's unreleased demos...I concede to back down on her drug use, trusting her to keep to her intentions of pot. She had "no desire to live that nightmare again" of hard drug addiction.
We met Austin, and he suggested that instead of our women moving in, that he move in and we use one of the bedrooms to build a small recording studio. "Dude. You drive a Firebird, we play music, there's no chick you can't fuck instead. What's she putting in anyway, she's
just putting out."
May. What a murderous month. Darren was STILL out of work, and at this point not even looking for work. His girlfriend was to move in come June or July, and so was Anna (though they both were staying pretty often already). I was working never less than 64 hours a week
to keep up the house payment, my insurance payment, utilities, keeping food in the house, entertaining Anna when I saw her. All hell broke loose:my car's engine exploded. The landlord ordered me to boot Darren. My job promotion fell through. Anna began hanging out
with the hardcore users again. Failing school and unable to graduate.
"Know I always think about it/there's never nothing left to say/everybody leaves, sooner or later/I dont know what it is about me that magnifies my self conscious/ Operation:Numb the Pain, gotta get you higher/I must be good at chasing away everyone I love/everybody leaves, sooner or later/gonna keep on trying/gonna keep on crying/it's just another day, it's just a way/no I'm not sad about it, I'm not mad about it, I'm sorta getting used to it" Left alone in the house without Darren.....
On the upshot, we found that months ago her OBGYN visit was a fluke and that TONS of people had been coming back with horrendously odd and off test results, so she was checked again....nope, no HPV, no nothing, and we never had any problems....sadly, it wouldn't be my last brush with an STD, but at least this one turned out to be a false alarm.
Things quickly deteriorated in every sense and it ended July 4th after she'd been AWOL for a week tripping out of her mind holed up in a hotel room party.
You know....I don't know why I'm bothering to write about her. It's not doing anything for me. I guess it's because most of the angst isn't with the relationshp, or even how it ended......it's because of what happened with Darren. This relationship and my mad desires to hold it and the rest of the life I wanted together, tore us apart. Sure, my best friend and brother was causing some difficulty for me and I lost faith in him; but to have put faith instead into someone who hadn't been through our life?
I need to do an entry on Darren. He is my Brother. I love him, and it saddens and strengthens me to know that our connection is impossible to duplicate. We shouldn't be seperated already.
It's been a decade since we met...and thinking of him hurts me so badly I cry. Life beyond our control wrecked our dreams, but it was US-it was ME-that tore us apart. THAT is the legacy of Anna, of that time in life....our House was finally being built and the foundation crumbled.
It's going to take some time to write him up. I wouldn't have ended up me without him.
(on the music:those demos, and many more that I played nonstop for many months, most of the new King's X album is recorded versions of those demos)
Anna, exgirlfriend nickname The Heroin Addict, is definitely a big name in the list.
Anna was my little sister's best friend. A hyperactive punk rock kid with a psychotic abusive family. We'd flirted back and forth for some years, and nothing ever really came of it then, though it could have:one night coming home late from work at the video store, she was in the kitchen alone. Couldn't sleep, got up to get a drink or something. We got to our typical chitchat and I was going to be up-care to come review that latest batch of screeners I'd gotten for review? X-Men, Toy Story 2, Gladiator, something else....we were up until 7am (at which point she snuck back into my sister's room) sitting on my bed getting along great.
It took every ounce of my self control not to peek down her loose shirt or skimpy boxers, as I didn't want to make things awkward....I was seeing Amber and trying to see Sascha (funny story there, I'll tell that someday, the threesome that should not have been), she was seeing some jackass I'd gone to school with. I KNEW the fucker was running around on her (and I could have brought her the store surviellance tapes to prove it), but I decided to respect the relationships and not make a move.
One hot summer night, I'm downtown at the Cafe and some friends are going to a party at...Adam? Adam's house. I take a carfull of people and we decide to make a pit stop (so that Matt...Matt having the nickname of Weapon M, yet another tale for another ex) so that Matt can pick up his coke and we can get more booze. We arrive at Adam's, party in full swing, and some girl screaming and crying in another part of the house, apparently in REALLY bad shape and really fucked up. "Some little girl named Anna or something...."Anna?! MY ANNA!? What's happened to Anna?! The noise approaced the living room as I approached the room (to hell with them, I had to see if it was her) and she burst through a doorway right into me. "KEVIN! HOW DID YOU GET HERE I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!" She'd mixed....things, not sure what....and was beyond fucked up and scared to go home. I became her clutch cushion and alternated duties from keeping her upright and guiding her to a toilet for more vomiting. I couldn't really understand what she was talking about with her family, she spoke as though I knew things that had been going on....I'd been away from family for a while. Cops eventually show, the party is dispersed, she stays there because she can't go home. I go home and regret not forcing her out of the house so I could continue to take care of her. Too many predators there.
Later that week, I visit my sister on her birthday and Anna is there....we all do the usual chitchat routine, and my relationship status is revealed when I'm asked about the condom mess in the backseat of the car. I recount the humbling tale of my first case of truly premature ejaculation, an awkward topic with one's sister present. Anna eventually needs to get home, and she asks me to take her home, argueing with my parents over their insistance that they take her. Doesn't bother me, I was going that way anyway. We talk about "the other night" and what's been going on at home and I give her my phone number because I want to know what's happening. Pure naivity follows as I pull in:the traditional parting hug is instead met with her attacking my face and trying to kiss me. It didn't go so well since I
was pretty stunned. I ask for a second take, and we get it done properly. All the drive home, I find myself stuck on repeat:I just kissed my sister's underage best friend.
I was....18? She was 16.
The next two months are a pleasant blur. Aside from getting my sweet job back, she and I have been seeing each other regularly and doing our best to hide it from my family. There are, however, two instances in that first month that contributed to "the worst month of my life":
During the first few weeks we are dating, it's unsure if we're a couple, so I continue to play manwhore for late night deliveries of breakfast burritos to ANOTHER 16 year old. I was a booty call, rock! So one night Anna and I are at a party getting quite drunk, and we head to a back room for some fun.....as I'm finishing, suddenly the pressure feels different. I panic and hurl myself off her. It all happened as though in slow motion:as I'm pulling out and falling backwards, I'm orgasming, throbbing, and I see the tip of the condom BURST OPEN and tear down the side....too late to stop, I grasp at it to try and shield it.....too late. Too late. It sprays in a wide arc across my hand, across her backside, in the air as I'm falling and....one. glob. hits. A DIRECT hit, right in the open lips and it disappears. I PANIC.
This was the first problem in "The Worst Month Of My Life". The second problem was a message waiting for me on the phone when I got home the next morning-my other pet project was late. Two weeks late. Holy shit, I've gotten two underage girls pregnant and I'm 18.
That's not the best of it though. Anna comes to see me at work in tears-I'm thinking she's pregnant, that I hadn't saved it and her birth control hadn't kicked in-nope. She just came from the doctor....hello, STD, hello follow up appointment later in the week. She said HIV.
Follow up a few days later revealed HPV, but I was still rather displeased. I went and got myself checked out and came up clean all around. That's still a time bomb waiting, though, I thought....
Neither of them ended up pregnant.
The next two months are a pleasant blur, as we try to hide our relationship from my family. I'm eventually cornered on a visit to family, as they try to convince me to take my sister to some event that I was going to....saying that I should take her since I was going. (but I already have company) your friends like her. (it's kinda like a private date) oh, when do we meet her? (eh, you already have, you just don't know it) Sarah was going to go with Anna, but she's got a new boyfriend who she's glued to that's taking her. Do you talk to her enough to know who it is? (well, that's the funny thing, Mom, I kinda am dating Anna) *awkward silence* Ohmy.
It was rather funny how quickly it turned into trying to figure out if I'd been fucking her while living there, under their roof-no, the opportunity was there, but no. The look was pretty priceless, though:"I gotta say, Mom, thanks for convincing Anna's mother to put her on birth control. Best thing you've ever done for me"
Anna recently had cleaned up. She'd gotten in some deep shit recently, involving dealing and heroin and etc.....decided she wanted to finish school on time and go to college. She'd cut off most of her old friends, I was taking up most of her time and there for everything, I'd managed to temporarily curb her only unshakeable addiction:the wacky weed.
I'm not a total straight lace who thinks that anything that isn't legal is HORRIBLE, it's only ok if it's legal; in those days I was quite the drunkard with my drug days long dead. Never found anything in it for me, but that's another entry. But I know the hold that it can take, I saw too many friends fall, and knowing her...she has no self control. She starts down that path, she's not going to stick with something harmless. She'll want something more "just once", and then "once more", and then "something new", and then....back where she was. Or worse. She was coming up on 18, she didn't have much immunity time left. If she wanted to graduate, she couldn't slip up. If she wanted to stay at home, she couldn't slip up. More importantly to me, I knew that her addictions had been strong enough in the past to sacrifice anyone and anything for that next fix....
In love.
October....October in Florida is the most wonderful weather in America. That gets it's own entry some day. This October, though, would be rocky. An incident (fueled by a naively stupid decision by Anna, not that I ever tell her such) involving a drunk father...and some
violence...and her being thrown from home. BEATEN. Ripped out piercings, bloodied ear/nose/mouth, bruised all over...she stays with a friend. I stay with her. She sings me softly to sleep. We make a stupid mistake:she skips a halfday of school...and her parents find out, THEN they become concerned about her again and send the Five-O after me. Long drama short, she gets tossed in the looney bin by family, I'm threatened with prosecution, everything works out quickly and she's released.
let's just skip to January, when trouble begins. Everything in between is fine. Because of the dense detail, I'll have to just skim over everything.
Darren lost his job in December, so it was just my income floating the house. After almost two months of this, I had to start picking up more work...either a Friday or Saturday. The "temporary extra work" would continue and increase for the next two months, sometimes going
weeks without a night off. This left us with, at best, time for me to get her from school or to squeeze in a phone call during working hours. She'd all but dropped her old friends, leaving just the one irritating but harmless oddball.
Until she was bored suddenly.
March, Darren's birthday, a small party, she and I and two of her friends come home...they sneak off to the back rooms while I work on a cake. Whatshername is suddenly "upset about her mom" and needs to take a breater walk to the park-um, ok, you're awfully quick to tell me not to come. The phone rings after they leave and it's....someone I don't know. Looking for them. Needing "directions"? One look at Stephanie tells me that she knows something I don't, and she spills....their attempts to bribe her into making a run, trying to get
directions from her...great. A pickup. AND it's going to be brought back to Darren and I's safe house, our haven? The phone rings again...it's work. I almost didn't pick up, figuring they needed help AGAIN...nope. They're wondering why Anna is in their parking lot without me and exchanging bags in our traditional dealer's lot. They've called the cops. She gets away...and then tries to lie to me when she gets back home.
Looking back, I should have dropped it there. Aside from not being one to tolerate lies (yea, I'm used to being walked on, everyone does it), I've NEVER snapped at Darren. Ever. He claims to have never seen me in such a state.
She tried to lie to me. I drove up there and saw her for myself. "I can't trust you to trust me!" Wow, what an arguement.
"If I could move to the middle, if I could give in a little, and make it work this time. It's one thing, insistance, its one thing the distance, I'll take it in prospect. Only if
you have to, only if it's everything." Lyrics arriving in a timely situation, I felt, as I listened to Dug's unreleased demos...I concede to back down on her drug use, trusting her to keep to her intentions of pot. She had "no desire to live that nightmare again" of hard drug addiction.
We met Austin, and he suggested that instead of our women moving in, that he move in and we use one of the bedrooms to build a small recording studio. "Dude. You drive a Firebird, we play music, there's no chick you can't fuck instead. What's she putting in anyway, she's
just putting out."
May. What a murderous month. Darren was STILL out of work, and at this point not even looking for work. His girlfriend was to move in come June or July, and so was Anna (though they both were staying pretty often already). I was working never less than 64 hours a week
to keep up the house payment, my insurance payment, utilities, keeping food in the house, entertaining Anna when I saw her. All hell broke loose:my car's engine exploded. The landlord ordered me to boot Darren. My job promotion fell through. Anna began hanging out
with the hardcore users again. Failing school and unable to graduate.
"Know I always think about it/there's never nothing left to say/everybody leaves, sooner or later/I dont know what it is about me that magnifies my self conscious/ Operation:Numb the Pain, gotta get you higher/I must be good at chasing away everyone I love/everybody leaves, sooner or later/gonna keep on trying/gonna keep on crying/it's just another day, it's just a way/no I'm not sad about it, I'm not mad about it, I'm sorta getting used to it" Left alone in the house without Darren.....
On the upshot, we found that months ago her OBGYN visit was a fluke and that TONS of people had been coming back with horrendously odd and off test results, so she was checked again....nope, no HPV, no nothing, and we never had any problems....sadly, it wouldn't be my last brush with an STD, but at least this one turned out to be a false alarm.
Things quickly deteriorated in every sense and it ended July 4th after she'd been AWOL for a week tripping out of her mind holed up in a hotel room party.
You know....I don't know why I'm bothering to write about her. It's not doing anything for me. I guess it's because most of the angst isn't with the relationshp, or even how it ended......it's because of what happened with Darren. This relationship and my mad desires to hold it and the rest of the life I wanted together, tore us apart. Sure, my best friend and brother was causing some difficulty for me and I lost faith in him; but to have put faith instead into someone who hadn't been through our life?
I need to do an entry on Darren. He is my Brother. I love him, and it saddens and strengthens me to know that our connection is impossible to duplicate. We shouldn't be seperated already.
It's been a decade since we met...and thinking of him hurts me so badly I cry. Life beyond our control wrecked our dreams, but it was US-it was ME-that tore us apart. THAT is the legacy of Anna, of that time in life....our House was finally being built and the foundation crumbled.
It's going to take some time to write him up. I wouldn't have ended up me without him.
(on the music:those demos, and many more that I played nonstop for many months, most of the new King's X album is recorded versions of those demos)
Dude, a doctor Who scarf would be awesome. I totally wouldn't mind making you one. I found a million different patterns for it online, that would be so fun to do. Only problem is how much it would cost. It takes quite a bit of yarn. Maybe after i am done with all the move in expenses and so forth i will make you one!
...i think greg and i are going to be zombie-vampires for Halloween, because it seems silly, and for lack of a better idea. We are so stupid.