I HATE....
I hate this "house", "home". Aside from the incredibly invincible flea problem, the slanted floors, the HOLES in the floors, the bathtub that is slowly sinking into the floor, the nasty smell, the broken dishwasher and stove burner, faulty wiring (electric AND phone), poor ventilation, crappy location, and everything else....now we have a water problem. Sure, the water still comes out.
Except TODAY when I filled the bathtub as I like to do every few weeks....the water wasn't clear. It wasn't even murky.
It was the color of apple juice, or a light whiskey. And the bottom of the tub was gritty. I guess I'll shower-this nasty water will still run over my skin, but at least I won't be soaking in it.
I don't regret leaving home, though some days I wish I were back or hadn't left. I regret any and/or all of my reasons for leaving. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with my genitals again. Penile hypochondria is horrid. I don't remember what "normal" feels like. Not the sensations, not literally:running a fingertip over, I ponder every glide; wondering if it felt that way before or is it new, a leftover scar, a vein, I don't know anymore. I'd conquered the typical male insecurity of size-certainly wasn't HAPPY with what it, but not upset. I'd gotten beyond that barbaric Jewish ritual, and my side effects of unusually bad scarring and skin being...too tight. Painfully too tight at times.
This...disease....I have a bad habit of picking up odd diseases in life. Ever hear of "Fifth's Disease"? Yea, noone else had either. Or how about one of my favorites, a "psychological diagnosis"
ppositional Defiance Disorder. Hurm!? "A A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months, during which the following are present: often loses temper, often argues with adults, often deliberately annoys people, is often touchy or easily annoyed by others, is often angry and resentful, is often spiteful or vindictive. B The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning. C The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder." Wow, what an "illness". So, got a kid you disagree with and/or is disobediant? No, it's not that you're an oppositional asshole or that maybe you haven't bothered to raise your kid; it's not anyone's fault and if it is it's CERTAINLY not yours, it's a disorder, parents, we need YOU to pay a bill! Yes, a "disorder" to fix, a very costly and time consuming one! Why, certainly couldn't be a contrived contraption of a money grubbing industry who is more scared of losing an income source than actually helping someone! So, I was pissed off and didn't share the same opinions as family, had no impairment with any functioning, and it didn't occur during a disorder (maybe it's my PERSONALITY?!).....and that constitutes a disorder to fix? Amazing that EVERYONE could be diagnosed as having some disorder that needs fixing...nope, couldn't be a money wheel.
I'd strongly considered going into psychology for a long time, for a number of reasons. It pays WELL. It's easy as hell, I "get" people and can dissect people pretty well pretty quickly. I notice patterns quite well. It allows for a more flexible, creative working environment. It'd be an easy road on college. Why didn't I, though?
Well, you're seeing a reason above. Nothing against capitalism, I enjoy it's benefits, but GREED is the problem with all of human's creations:capitalism has become an economy of greed, and the mental health industry is just as guilty of putting profit before people. Not to suggest that some working could have been done with family, but when a system is rigged with the primary concern being money draining....where you're scared to confront a problem because it might take money from you....well, fuck that and fuck you. You're supposed to be there to HELP people.
The prime reason though was the inspiration and drive left me. I had intentions of college once, though I wasn't entirely sure for what. You know, I could be done or almost done getting my Masters in whatever by now, going to school year round since my earliest opportunity:1998. The opportunity was there to finish in a matter of months at the local college WHILE gaining college credit, then I could hope straight to college from there. Summer, fall 98 at the latest I could have started. I had the desire and drive to do it....but hey, what do I know, I had a "disorder", I surely only wanted to go to college right away because my parents so desperately DIDN'T want me to. In 7 calender years of straight schooling, I think I'd be done or close by now. But then, going on my family's "knowledge" (stuck in the 70s), a GED was worthless.....nevermind that noone cared anymore, as a high school diploma is worthless; NOONE could get a job or an education with a GED.
Odd dichotomy-original desires to go to school driven away by "loved ones" who couldn't stand the thought of me going; then when I DON'T want to go, a "loved one" never stopped trying to drive me into it.
If I can ever type it out coherently, I've recently exposed a friend of mine to some of my favorite movies which...I noticed....all carry a similar theme. It was only confirmed when a scene/type of scene was sort of repeated in two seperate films we watched back to back and he said to me "Thanks, Kevin, you've ruined me for work and when I get back there I'm going to really fuck that place up." American Beauty, Office Space, Clerks, SLC Punk....
I'm even running out of energy to hate....
I hate this "house", "home". Aside from the incredibly invincible flea problem, the slanted floors, the HOLES in the floors, the bathtub that is slowly sinking into the floor, the nasty smell, the broken dishwasher and stove burner, faulty wiring (electric AND phone), poor ventilation, crappy location, and everything else....now we have a water problem. Sure, the water still comes out.
Except TODAY when I filled the bathtub as I like to do every few weeks....the water wasn't clear. It wasn't even murky.
It was the color of apple juice, or a light whiskey. And the bottom of the tub was gritty. I guess I'll shower-this nasty water will still run over my skin, but at least I won't be soaking in it.
I don't regret leaving home, though some days I wish I were back or hadn't left. I regret any and/or all of my reasons for leaving. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with my genitals again. Penile hypochondria is horrid. I don't remember what "normal" feels like. Not the sensations, not literally:running a fingertip over, I ponder every glide; wondering if it felt that way before or is it new, a leftover scar, a vein, I don't know anymore. I'd conquered the typical male insecurity of size-certainly wasn't HAPPY with what it, but not upset. I'd gotten beyond that barbaric Jewish ritual, and my side effects of unusually bad scarring and skin being...too tight. Painfully too tight at times.
This...disease....I have a bad habit of picking up odd diseases in life. Ever hear of "Fifth's Disease"? Yea, noone else had either. Or how about one of my favorites, a "psychological diagnosis"
ppositional Defiance Disorder. Hurm!? "A A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behavior lasting at least 6 months, during which the following are present: often loses temper, often argues with adults, often deliberately annoys people, is often touchy or easily annoyed by others, is often angry and resentful, is often spiteful or vindictive. B The disturbance in behavior causes clinically significant impairment in social, academic, or occupational functioning. C The behaviors do not occur exclusively during the course of a Psychotic or Mood Disorder." Wow, what an "illness". So, got a kid you disagree with and/or is disobediant? No, it's not that you're an oppositional asshole or that maybe you haven't bothered to raise your kid; it's not anyone's fault and if it is it's CERTAINLY not yours, it's a disorder, parents, we need YOU to pay a bill! Yes, a "disorder" to fix, a very costly and time consuming one! Why, certainly couldn't be a contrived contraption of a money grubbing industry who is more scared of losing an income source than actually helping someone! So, I was pissed off and didn't share the same opinions as family, had no impairment with any functioning, and it didn't occur during a disorder (maybe it's my PERSONALITY?!).....and that constitutes a disorder to fix? Amazing that EVERYONE could be diagnosed as having some disorder that needs fixing...nope, couldn't be a money wheel.
I'd strongly considered going into psychology for a long time, for a number of reasons. It pays WELL. It's easy as hell, I "get" people and can dissect people pretty well pretty quickly. I notice patterns quite well. It allows for a more flexible, creative working environment. It'd be an easy road on college. Why didn't I, though?
Well, you're seeing a reason above. Nothing against capitalism, I enjoy it's benefits, but GREED is the problem with all of human's creations:capitalism has become an economy of greed, and the mental health industry is just as guilty of putting profit before people. Not to suggest that some working could have been done with family, but when a system is rigged with the primary concern being money draining....where you're scared to confront a problem because it might take money from you....well, fuck that and fuck you. You're supposed to be there to HELP people.
The prime reason though was the inspiration and drive left me. I had intentions of college once, though I wasn't entirely sure for what. You know, I could be done or almost done getting my Masters in whatever by now, going to school year round since my earliest opportunity:1998. The opportunity was there to finish in a matter of months at the local college WHILE gaining college credit, then I could hope straight to college from there. Summer, fall 98 at the latest I could have started. I had the desire and drive to do it....but hey, what do I know, I had a "disorder", I surely only wanted to go to college right away because my parents so desperately DIDN'T want me to. In 7 calender years of straight schooling, I think I'd be done or close by now. But then, going on my family's "knowledge" (stuck in the 70s), a GED was worthless.....nevermind that noone cared anymore, as a high school diploma is worthless; NOONE could get a job or an education with a GED.
Odd dichotomy-original desires to go to school driven away by "loved ones" who couldn't stand the thought of me going; then when I DON'T want to go, a "loved one" never stopped trying to drive me into it.
If I can ever type it out coherently, I've recently exposed a friend of mine to some of my favorite movies which...I noticed....all carry a similar theme. It was only confirmed when a scene/type of scene was sort of repeated in two seperate films we watched back to back and he said to me "Thanks, Kevin, you've ruined me for work and when I get back there I'm going to really fuck that place up." American Beauty, Office Space, Clerks, SLC Punk....
I'm even running out of energy to hate....
Except TODAY when I filled the bathtub as I like to do every few weeks....the water wasn't clear. It wasn't even murky.
It was the color of apple juice, or a light whiskey. And the bottom of the tub was gritty. I guess I'll shower-this nasty water will still run over my skin, but at least I won't be soaking in it."
sounds familiar...
you're better off without the energy to hate. it's wasteful.