OK...because I tire of telling the story over and over, here it is one final time:an article that I can use in the future to link to:the "how in the hell I ended up here and why the hell did I come back" story.
In November of 2002, I was deadlocked and powered simply by perpetual motion. Circular. Repetetive. Balanced. In my attempts to hold everything together, I'd let everything fall apart and bury me. Months earlier, I'd been forced to exise my best friend from my home for my own security, I'd lost the relationship I was in due to my lack of free time (working to cover several people), my car had died a horrid death and was undergoing a lenghty and expensive revival (a 79 Firebird TransAm, not the cheapest thing on the planet to maintain/repair) and I'd gone through several temporary replacements (Mustang? power system died. Ram? loaner. etc), and my job had fucked me over on money AGAIN. The debts were piling up from having to sink money into car and home without anyone else contributing, my income basically became water to tread. I couldnt afford to move anywhere else because I couldnt save cash for deposit/rent elsewhere, couldnt replace the car because I didn't have the credit, etc. Meanwhile, everywhere I looked were reminders of my failures and betrayals. I threw up my hands and said fuck it-I need to get away and try to do something for ME.
I listed several options on where I could go that I knew people, and it quickly became a narrow list of options that I would accept. HERE won out because I had a longtime, reliable, ADULT (so I thought) friend; and more importantly:small and cheap. I wouldnt NEED a vehicle to sink money into since I could easily walk everywhere, and the cheap cost of living would allow easy saving...particularly if I roomed with someone. If I were just a roomie, not the one in charge, it'd still be cheap but without the burden of wrangling other people. Obviously, I hadn't learned that people are unreliable. Plus it wasnt AS FAR a drive from Florida as other options were. I called up my friend and asked her to keep an eye out, and shortly afterwards she found a place for me.
By the end of December, I'd found people to replace me where I was living, knocked out my debts by selling the Firebird and sending the Camaro right back where it came from, income tax time was right around the corner and working 70-80ish hour weeks through the holiday season gave me a nice cushion. Off we go....
I intended to stay here about a year, year and half. I figured that would give me enough time, working fulltime and preferably overtime, to get a shiny top o the line digital camera and computer. Then, I'd head....somewhere else..?...bigger, with an indie film scene. New Orleans? It was close by. Austin? It was close by. I'd worry about that later.
Shit hits the fan shortly after arriving here-the guy I was living with decided to move out, but he'd claimed to have already cleared up switching the lease over to me. No deposit needed, it'd transfer over too. No problem, thought I, until I discovered that no-he hadnt checked. Yea, it was possible, but they'd need a HUGE deposit. Oh, and he was getting a discount on rent, it'd be higher for me. OH, I WAS FURIOUS. The other guy living there and I decided that for what it would cost to take over the place, we could find our own-and probably cheaper. Had it taken care of within the day.
Moving here, I never intended to date her, though I had a feeling that inevitably something would come around. I figured it'd be cheap, physical and temporary. Ohmy, how wrong I was and how fast it happened. After a month, we were essentially dating:we were constantly in each other's company, we were sleeping together, etc. She wouldnt accept the semantics for a few more months, but it was undeniable.
We eventually decided that hey-this might be a smart investment. We get along well, we're both Jews in the pocketbook, we hate kids, love cats, similar intentions for future, despite claims otherwise we're obviously dating (how else could I have "cheated" on her by fucking some one else if we werent a couple?)....
And for a time....it worked. And after a time, I had let go of my ridiculously unlikely dreams that I obviously wasn't going to be able to afford, I'd let go of all the shit that I'd gone through in the past, I was at peace and trying to figure out where to go next.
Then, a glimmer of hope appeared and I relapsed. An excellent digicam at a great price became available, and she offered. I'd have to shell out for the ubercomputer to handle digital video, but hey-even if I were handling the cost all alone, it still would have been a steal. The camera and computer became mine....and I started dreaming again. I couldnt devote the money I didnt have to it here, not living alone and working full time and the cost of our lifestyle. I couldnt devote the time I didnt have to it here, not working full time and having to pay constant attention to her-if she was there, I was to be focused on her, and she was rarely not there. I tried to ignore the dreams....
Then came the killer. Butt-Numb-A-Thon 5, I couldnt believe that we'd been invited to this awesome film orgy. In Austin, a city I'd never visited but always seemed to have such cool stuff happening, a city known for it's indie film/music scene. An exclusive event, packed with 200 of the geekiest of the geeks, all in love with film and intelligence and the unusual and the geekery in general. I met gorgeous shegeeks the likes of which I'd never actually met, made a few friends on the same crazy page as I, and fell in love with the city.
January of 2004, everything changes. I decide I SHOULD pursue the dream, I'd met people, I wanted to go to Austin, I joined SG and met more awesome people (living in and out of Austin), I met Molly. Go back a few entries to see the history of February; in short I took some time to make decisions and decided to put myself first for a change and move to Austin. And I did it, in March. Just like before, I decided to go somewhere and I simply dove in. For a man who has been noted for pattern recognition, sometimes I just don't catch on.
When I got to Austin....crazy, drug addicted roommates? Well, I suppose I could deal with that. Especially as cheap as it was. But the projects I'd specifically hoped to get involved with in Austin disappated, I had a hard (impossible) time getting involved in other work, home life was stressful, and it started sinking very quickly how comfortable things WERE. Yea, it had been sacrificing the dream, but it was more certain, more stable, more comfortable, more familiar. I missed her greatly and was becoming very quickly frustrated and defeated in Austin.
Here's the part where/why I return:I decided that maybe I'd killed the dream for a reason and I missed the comfort that I had, I was on my way to reorganizing life in a new direction. I need to get back to that. I need to solidify it. Add in the very discomforting discovery that we were being evicted and that within a month I'd find myself homeless in a city where I knew noone, and certainly couldnt afford to get my own place...time to get a ring and propose. It seemed like a divine suggestion-hey, you can only go one place now, back where you were, and why not eh? The ring hunt began as I worked to get back where I was.
I thought it was going to be a surprise. We'd spoken of it and for a time assumed it would be where we go, but I left. I was nuts trying to find the "right" ring-I ended up buying/returning several. Oddly, that same week, she made mention of what she does/doesnt like in rings....I thought it was sheer coincidence, I'd spoken to my mother about ring buying but believed the two of them when they said that noone had talked to the other about rings. I would later discover that mother had been relaying the information. She DIDNT want to get married-and did a pretty convincing job of tricking me-but didn't have the courage to say no, figuring that she could sabotage things later. I would later find that this was far from the only time that trusted information information would pass between them, as well as a fair share of damning lies (did you know I used to write death threats to people? Me neither! I did once write regret about showing restraint instead of beating someone to death, but that's hardly a "threat").
So I came back...we got engaged...and yea. Things didn't last, and now I'm too lazy/uninspired/frustrated to worry about going anywhere else right now. Now you know how I ended up here and why I'm back. SO QUIT ASKING!
Lesson learned? Don't SETTLE DOWN, as in SETTLING for less. If someone's not good enough, they're not good enough-pure and simple.
What have I learned about myself from all this? I can't just step back and let a house burn to the ground and rebuild....I'll try and hold it up, stretching myself further and further, fanning fire more than smothering.
As for Molly, briefly mentioned above....she very quickly became as close as Darren and Tim, as much a geek as we, and became a source of inspiration/encouragement for me to do things I probably wouldnt have (such as leaving the marriage). She sits in a position like Tim's, the only two people who's thoughts/opinions I've ever cared enough about to let influence me. I should have run off with her when I had my chance. There are no words to describe how much she has done for me.
She is my Goddess on Earth. I love you.
In November of 2002, I was deadlocked and powered simply by perpetual motion. Circular. Repetetive. Balanced. In my attempts to hold everything together, I'd let everything fall apart and bury me. Months earlier, I'd been forced to exise my best friend from my home for my own security, I'd lost the relationship I was in due to my lack of free time (working to cover several people), my car had died a horrid death and was undergoing a lenghty and expensive revival (a 79 Firebird TransAm, not the cheapest thing on the planet to maintain/repair) and I'd gone through several temporary replacements (Mustang? power system died. Ram? loaner. etc), and my job had fucked me over on money AGAIN. The debts were piling up from having to sink money into car and home without anyone else contributing, my income basically became water to tread. I couldnt afford to move anywhere else because I couldnt save cash for deposit/rent elsewhere, couldnt replace the car because I didn't have the credit, etc. Meanwhile, everywhere I looked were reminders of my failures and betrayals. I threw up my hands and said fuck it-I need to get away and try to do something for ME.
I listed several options on where I could go that I knew people, and it quickly became a narrow list of options that I would accept. HERE won out because I had a longtime, reliable, ADULT (so I thought) friend; and more importantly:small and cheap. I wouldnt NEED a vehicle to sink money into since I could easily walk everywhere, and the cheap cost of living would allow easy saving...particularly if I roomed with someone. If I were just a roomie, not the one in charge, it'd still be cheap but without the burden of wrangling other people. Obviously, I hadn't learned that people are unreliable. Plus it wasnt AS FAR a drive from Florida as other options were. I called up my friend and asked her to keep an eye out, and shortly afterwards she found a place for me.
By the end of December, I'd found people to replace me where I was living, knocked out my debts by selling the Firebird and sending the Camaro right back where it came from, income tax time was right around the corner and working 70-80ish hour weeks through the holiday season gave me a nice cushion. Off we go....
I intended to stay here about a year, year and half. I figured that would give me enough time, working fulltime and preferably overtime, to get a shiny top o the line digital camera and computer. Then, I'd head....somewhere else..?...bigger, with an indie film scene. New Orleans? It was close by. Austin? It was close by. I'd worry about that later.
Shit hits the fan shortly after arriving here-the guy I was living with decided to move out, but he'd claimed to have already cleared up switching the lease over to me. No deposit needed, it'd transfer over too. No problem, thought I, until I discovered that no-he hadnt checked. Yea, it was possible, but they'd need a HUGE deposit. Oh, and he was getting a discount on rent, it'd be higher for me. OH, I WAS FURIOUS. The other guy living there and I decided that for what it would cost to take over the place, we could find our own-and probably cheaper. Had it taken care of within the day.
Moving here, I never intended to date her, though I had a feeling that inevitably something would come around. I figured it'd be cheap, physical and temporary. Ohmy, how wrong I was and how fast it happened. After a month, we were essentially dating:we were constantly in each other's company, we were sleeping together, etc. She wouldnt accept the semantics for a few more months, but it was undeniable.
We eventually decided that hey-this might be a smart investment. We get along well, we're both Jews in the pocketbook, we hate kids, love cats, similar intentions for future, despite claims otherwise we're obviously dating (how else could I have "cheated" on her by fucking some one else if we werent a couple?)....
And for a time....it worked. And after a time, I had let go of my ridiculously unlikely dreams that I obviously wasn't going to be able to afford, I'd let go of all the shit that I'd gone through in the past, I was at peace and trying to figure out where to go next.
Then, a glimmer of hope appeared and I relapsed. An excellent digicam at a great price became available, and she offered. I'd have to shell out for the ubercomputer to handle digital video, but hey-even if I were handling the cost all alone, it still would have been a steal. The camera and computer became mine....and I started dreaming again. I couldnt devote the money I didnt have to it here, not living alone and working full time and the cost of our lifestyle. I couldnt devote the time I didnt have to it here, not working full time and having to pay constant attention to her-if she was there, I was to be focused on her, and she was rarely not there. I tried to ignore the dreams....
Then came the killer. Butt-Numb-A-Thon 5, I couldnt believe that we'd been invited to this awesome film orgy. In Austin, a city I'd never visited but always seemed to have such cool stuff happening, a city known for it's indie film/music scene. An exclusive event, packed with 200 of the geekiest of the geeks, all in love with film and intelligence and the unusual and the geekery in general. I met gorgeous shegeeks the likes of which I'd never actually met, made a few friends on the same crazy page as I, and fell in love with the city.
January of 2004, everything changes. I decide I SHOULD pursue the dream, I'd met people, I wanted to go to Austin, I joined SG and met more awesome people (living in and out of Austin), I met Molly. Go back a few entries to see the history of February; in short I took some time to make decisions and decided to put myself first for a change and move to Austin. And I did it, in March. Just like before, I decided to go somewhere and I simply dove in. For a man who has been noted for pattern recognition, sometimes I just don't catch on.
When I got to Austin....crazy, drug addicted roommates? Well, I suppose I could deal with that. Especially as cheap as it was. But the projects I'd specifically hoped to get involved with in Austin disappated, I had a hard (impossible) time getting involved in other work, home life was stressful, and it started sinking very quickly how comfortable things WERE. Yea, it had been sacrificing the dream, but it was more certain, more stable, more comfortable, more familiar. I missed her greatly and was becoming very quickly frustrated and defeated in Austin.
Here's the part where/why I return:I decided that maybe I'd killed the dream for a reason and I missed the comfort that I had, I was on my way to reorganizing life in a new direction. I need to get back to that. I need to solidify it. Add in the very discomforting discovery that we were being evicted and that within a month I'd find myself homeless in a city where I knew noone, and certainly couldnt afford to get my own place...time to get a ring and propose. It seemed like a divine suggestion-hey, you can only go one place now, back where you were, and why not eh? The ring hunt began as I worked to get back where I was.
I thought it was going to be a surprise. We'd spoken of it and for a time assumed it would be where we go, but I left. I was nuts trying to find the "right" ring-I ended up buying/returning several. Oddly, that same week, she made mention of what she does/doesnt like in rings....I thought it was sheer coincidence, I'd spoken to my mother about ring buying but believed the two of them when they said that noone had talked to the other about rings. I would later discover that mother had been relaying the information. She DIDNT want to get married-and did a pretty convincing job of tricking me-but didn't have the courage to say no, figuring that she could sabotage things later. I would later find that this was far from the only time that trusted information information would pass between them, as well as a fair share of damning lies (did you know I used to write death threats to people? Me neither! I did once write regret about showing restraint instead of beating someone to death, but that's hardly a "threat").
So I came back...we got engaged...and yea. Things didn't last, and now I'm too lazy/uninspired/frustrated to worry about going anywhere else right now. Now you know how I ended up here and why I'm back. SO QUIT ASKING!
Lesson learned? Don't SETTLE DOWN, as in SETTLING for less. If someone's not good enough, they're not good enough-pure and simple.
What have I learned about myself from all this? I can't just step back and let a house burn to the ground and rebuild....I'll try and hold it up, stretching myself further and further, fanning fire more than smothering.
As for Molly, briefly mentioned above....she very quickly became as close as Darren and Tim, as much a geek as we, and became a source of inspiration/encouragement for me to do things I probably wouldnt have (such as leaving the marriage). She sits in a position like Tim's, the only two people who's thoughts/opinions I've ever cared enough about to let influence me. I should have run off with her when I had my chance. There are no words to describe how much she has done for me.
She is my Goddess on Earth. I love you.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
Too bad lego is pretty expensive.