October rusts, but February smolders.
This was supposed to be my month of glory. Let's take a look back, first, at February of last year.
It'd been about 2 months since BNAT5, which was simultaneously the most wonderful event and the most troublebearing event. After BNAT, she REALLY began to lay on the "not good enough for me" act....and I had accepted that she was not "perfect", but good enough. Yes, I did tease much. But BNAT....I suppose that it threatened her and inspired me:among my peers, geekly AND beautiful women that I could connect with instantly. It festered in the back of my mind, constantly brought up by her:yea, there IS better out there. I decide shortly before Valentine's Day that I need time to think by myself....
....Austin was the greatest place I'd ever been, it was calling me-it, and it's stock of shegeeks....the month before, I'd befriended a woman named Xavier and we struck up some brilliant ideas for a porn company. She wanted to start it up, and I would work behind the scenes. I asked her to give me a week or two to think it over-irrelevant, really, she decided to jump the gun and start up with someone else. Pity that they ultimately screwed her over, I suppose, but Karma is a bitch. Engaged in a few acts of what she would probably consider "infedility" with the ex-neighbor, and one of her friends who came by looking for her, and another girl I knew, and a coworker. In the end, I would decide that I need to move to Austin to try (AGAIN) to get dreams jumpstarted. (not that Austin would work out:be careful what you wish for, I missed her greatly and wham! Got the notice of the lease being terminated early, thus ridding me of the troublesome roommates). By the end of February, she and I were back together.
Here we are now a year later....what is the lesson we are learning too slowly? Trust noone.
Back in...August? September? Via the King's X message board, a young lady was directed towards me regarding music videos....a young, attractive, cynical, King's X loving young lady who's a friend of Doug's also! My how quickly things hit off, and from the first day and into January every day would include several lengthy phone calls, with plans quickly formed to spend time in each other's company. SHE came to ME. It had never happened quite like that before, the female aggresively pursuing ME and wanting something more...plot was, I'll stay in this shithole for while (as to save money), and if all went well during a visit in February (and why wouldnt it?) that I'd move out there around the end of 2005. She never came, nor did I go-the middle of January brought her cold feet and the realization that it would be a difficult task for us to manage. Well, no shit, I'd been saying that all along and she insisted that she could handle it. Under a year of difficulty and discomfort. Young people-noone wants to suffer a bit for the greater good, noone can see the forest for the trees. No patience.
I'd hoped also to shoot the music video in February...instead, someone else appears to be doing the video(s) this month, in Europe. The producer/director is a "name", with a history and videos that recieve airtime on MTV. It'd be CRAZY to go with a low budget digital amatuer. Still, though, unsure if it is definitely out now....but it looks that way.
My dearest friend in the world is still unwell and uncommunicative. It's been 2 months. I fear for him.
I find myself faced with the extreme probability that I will return to Austin in 2006 with my new family. There is nothing wrong with that, I am actually quite pleased about the thought and looking foreward to it. I hope to reacquire a bass of my own next month or so, as it kills me that I am so rusty and we have so much to do. It kills me that I will never be good enough for MY standards. I will never be able to play MY music.
Austin. School. I should. I really should go back to school, and UT Austin would be perfect. But what will I major in? What will I do with it? How much of my life with the "higher income" from a degree will be spent paying off ridiculous student loan amounts?
Everything in my life has been burned down, and I want to keep living simply as an act of stubborn defiance. I just hate driving down the highway with the lights off.
This was supposed to be my month of glory. Let's take a look back, first, at February of last year.
It'd been about 2 months since BNAT5, which was simultaneously the most wonderful event and the most troublebearing event. After BNAT, she REALLY began to lay on the "not good enough for me" act....and I had accepted that she was not "perfect", but good enough. Yes, I did tease much. But BNAT....I suppose that it threatened her and inspired me:among my peers, geekly AND beautiful women that I could connect with instantly. It festered in the back of my mind, constantly brought up by her:yea, there IS better out there. I decide shortly before Valentine's Day that I need time to think by myself....
....Austin was the greatest place I'd ever been, it was calling me-it, and it's stock of shegeeks....the month before, I'd befriended a woman named Xavier and we struck up some brilliant ideas for a porn company. She wanted to start it up, and I would work behind the scenes. I asked her to give me a week or two to think it over-irrelevant, really, she decided to jump the gun and start up with someone else. Pity that they ultimately screwed her over, I suppose, but Karma is a bitch. Engaged in a few acts of what she would probably consider "infedility" with the ex-neighbor, and one of her friends who came by looking for her, and another girl I knew, and a coworker. In the end, I would decide that I need to move to Austin to try (AGAIN) to get dreams jumpstarted. (not that Austin would work out:be careful what you wish for, I missed her greatly and wham! Got the notice of the lease being terminated early, thus ridding me of the troublesome roommates). By the end of February, she and I were back together.
Here we are now a year later....what is the lesson we are learning too slowly? Trust noone.
Back in...August? September? Via the King's X message board, a young lady was directed towards me regarding music videos....a young, attractive, cynical, King's X loving young lady who's a friend of Doug's also! My how quickly things hit off, and from the first day and into January every day would include several lengthy phone calls, with plans quickly formed to spend time in each other's company. SHE came to ME. It had never happened quite like that before, the female aggresively pursuing ME and wanting something more...plot was, I'll stay in this shithole for while (as to save money), and if all went well during a visit in February (and why wouldnt it?) that I'd move out there around the end of 2005. She never came, nor did I go-the middle of January brought her cold feet and the realization that it would be a difficult task for us to manage. Well, no shit, I'd been saying that all along and she insisted that she could handle it. Under a year of difficulty and discomfort. Young people-noone wants to suffer a bit for the greater good, noone can see the forest for the trees. No patience.
I'd hoped also to shoot the music video in February...instead, someone else appears to be doing the video(s) this month, in Europe. The producer/director is a "name", with a history and videos that recieve airtime on MTV. It'd be CRAZY to go with a low budget digital amatuer. Still, though, unsure if it is definitely out now....but it looks that way.
My dearest friend in the world is still unwell and uncommunicative. It's been 2 months. I fear for him.
I find myself faced with the extreme probability that I will return to Austin in 2006 with my new family. There is nothing wrong with that, I am actually quite pleased about the thought and looking foreward to it. I hope to reacquire a bass of my own next month or so, as it kills me that I am so rusty and we have so much to do. It kills me that I will never be good enough for MY standards. I will never be able to play MY music.
Austin. School. I should. I really should go back to school, and UT Austin would be perfect. But what will I major in? What will I do with it? How much of my life with the "higher income" from a degree will be spent paying off ridiculous student loan amounts?
Everything in my life has been burned down, and I want to keep living simply as an act of stubborn defiance. I just hate driving down the highway with the lights off.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
This is such a great photo, for so many reasons!
The shirt, the particular people you are with, and especailly the fact that it is a picture
of you holding up a picture. I love it!
Are you going to PAX 2005? Greg and i will definately be there. Just curious.
[Edited on Feb 24, 2005 11:20AM]