Yesterday I made the decision whilst walking home from work that I would fix a loose button on my jacket. Since I was going to get the sewing kit out, I thought I might take up that pair of jeans I'd been meaning to get to.
I looked everywhere for that sewing kit. I'm so tidy and organized and there are only so many places it could be. It dawned on me that the last place I saw it was sitting on the TV stand, back when the place wasn't so tidy and organized, 18 months ago when she moved out.
I've been saying I would fix those jeans. For at least 18 months. And she had taken it with her.
Apart from being disappointed in myself, I happened upon a box of things in my wardrobe, full of mainly stationary items. I figured this was a place one may store a sewing kit. On top of all the paper and folders of things I honestly have no need to even keep anymore, were a few greeting cards. A couple from my 30th birthday. And a couple that were "just because" cards.
She always wrote greeting cards. I've never been a big believer of cards. I see them as a waste of money, and ironic that for birthdays and Christmases that you spend money on a card to put money inside of. She always bought a card, and always filled it with words.
They were always really well thought out too. When I met her she painted and wrote. She had a painting published in a calendar of young artists in our town. She wrote short stories too. They were always fucked up stories about serial killers and sexual depravity. I guess her upbringing and family circumstances manifested themselves a lot in both of those art forms for her. I always tried to encourage her to continue pursuing the things she loved. Suggested courses she could take, bought her art supplies.
But she'd always fill the card. I guess I've always been more of a "show you how I feel" kind of guy. But maybe I just haven't said or done any of it enough.
This card was a "just because" card. She always bought me gifts. And I was selfish, and bought us gifts. I may has well have bought her a bowling ball with the Homer printed on it.
Love was our romantic first date
Filled with chocolate and cheesecake
Stars and the sound of your song
Love was our trip to Riverway
Silly carwash antics and a damp music interview
The hill and a scrunched up piece of paper.
Love was our first trip away
Awkward chats with my mum about "it" and long nights awake doing just that.
Love was collecting catalogues when they weren't delivered
Sending flowers and the blush of embarrassment.
Love was those first sporting games huddled in the grass.
Trying to impress you by remembering their names
And the laughter....
"I bet I could do that!"
Things have since slowed down
And everything is much more serious.
Talk of owning our first house and providing for a family (for OUR family!)
But let's settle here for a while and have some more fun, because time is going far too quickly and I want to be the only one.
Things are sometimes difficult, but remember me when you're sad. I can't fix everything but I love you and I'm here until the very end.
I'm OK now. It's been a long time. You mourn and you feel pain and sadness for some time, and occasionally at other times. She's not a part of my life now, but she's still a part of my life period. That'll always be there.
We still have some mutual friends. Most of our friends though were my friends who'd adopted her, and all chose me back in the end. I speak fairly regularly to a family friend of theirs though
. She told me that I came up in conversation recently, and that their family missed me. HA, I thought to myself. We didn't ever get along well, and that was because I was protective of myself and of our life together, and not a fan of their negativity and their overbearing nature. Her mother even sent me a text recently asking whether I still had her brother's N64. I told her that she'd taken it when she left. But apparently she's turned into an asshole and won't speak to her family anymore. And that her new boyfriend is shit. So I took the opportunity to let her mum know that I was doing really well at work, that I'd bought a house for my mum, and that the cat she wanted but ended up being too irresponsible to take care of, was happy and healthy. Jusssst so she knew that even though their family gave me a hard time, that I was actually pretty alright.
So in summary.. While my actions maybe didn't always belie the things that I felt.. At least the cards she took so much care in to speak her heart didn't make promises that couldn't be kept such as "I'm here until the very end".
I had the ring ready to go, after all.
